Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Go Fug My Jeff

So, as those who have been reading the blog for awhile know, in past years on my birthday I have made fun of old photos in the spirit of the hilarious website Go Fug Yourself. (If you missed them, here are my 2007 and 2009 entries.) This year Jeff has permitted me to do it to him, as kind of a back-handed birthday ode that doesn't allude to blowjobs (well, if he's lucky). I have to get it done before his birthday's over, so here goes:

1981

Oh, who am I kidding? I cannot hate on this. This is freaking adorable, even with the Rod Blagojevich hair (and also further proves that overalls, like rompers, are only acceptable when worn by small children).

1985

Note to all would-be intruders: This man lives in my house. He has a black belt in karate pajamas and can complete a perfect roundhouse kick to the clavicle even during REM sleep.

1986

Who wears short shorts? All three of these assholes! (Jeff made me write that; I do not generally call children assholes, unless they are banging something on a subway pole or crying on an overnight international flight.) Also, Jeff is on the right. And they are standing in front of a well in Pennsylvania, on what was obviously the best and most leg-baring family trip EVER.

1998

Jeff is pictured here wearing a Phish tee shirt at a Phish concert. Generally you do not want to be "that guy" who wears the tee shirt of the band he's going to see, but I understand that Phish fans are generally too high to adhere to protocol.

1999

Jeff does a really good impression of Leonardo DiCaprio from What's Eating Gilbert Grape. I just didn't realize he went all Method on that shit.

2001

Jeff totally had an Edward Cullen phase before Twilight even existed. Or he might just have been on a hunger strike.

2002

A scene from the straight-to-DVD Ace Ventura: The College Years (if only he was wearing Alex's Hawaiian shirt! It would be perfect! Sadly, like Barney Stinson, Jeff likes to suit up whenever possible).

2005

This is cheating, because Jeff was really drunk when this photo was taken. However, he is still wearing an upside-down pink sweatband with a heart on it and therefore the judge (moi) has ruled this admissible.

2006

Hipster Jeff. Rrrrowr. I am not even fugging this; I love his luscious hair. I can pretend I'm a roadie with MGMT or some such band the kids are listening to these days...

circa 2006--The Most Egregious Fashion Faux Pas of All


This is Jeff's ass. But those are not Jeff's jeans. Those are MY JEANS. MY SIZE 4 JEANS. And they look better ON HIM. Thankfully, this was a number of pounds ago. I've been feeding him Ensure through an IV in his sleep (when he's not wearing his ninja PJs, obviously; I don't have a death wish).

Get ready for a super sized Go Fug Myself when I turn 30 next month... oh yes, it will be epic.
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28 comments :

  1. Man this guy's a master of disguise! ;-) He even got into character imitating you! In your jeans. Size 4 jeans! And got his pic taken in them. Where your butt used to be.

    I'm totally impressed. And kinda freaked out.

    But he's a cutie, so happy b-day, Jeff!

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  2. Damn those SO's who look better in our clothes than we do... Favorite: pink headband shot.

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  3. happy B day Jeff lol the first photo is really cute!

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  4. I would have to say that your husband's long hair does look quite lovely! Not as lovely as the fact that he can fit into your jeans. My goodness. (Granted, however, my boyfriend does the same thing, and it scares me a little. And, yes, my pants fit his curves splendidly.)

    Anyway, Una, I wanted to tell you that I truly--and greatly--enjoy reading your blog. Though I follow many, yours is one of the ones I routinely read. I never comment, however, simply because, suppose, I am slightly intimidated. What do I say? Would you answer back? :)

    Ah, yes, my inane ramblings.

    Anyway, thank you for keeping such a wonderfully entertaining blog, and...happy birthday to your husband!

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  5. My hubby has been doing P90x for the last six months or so, and he almost got down to my weight. He hasn't tried on my jeans (thank GOD), but my biggest fear is that he gets thinner than I am. If that ever happens, I'll take your cue on the Ensure IV. Good plan!

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  6. Wow. Jeff is a complex, multi-faceted man, isn't he?

    I love that you go fug yourself. There's something terrifyingly liberating about posting grotesque photos of yourself. I did one yesterday and it was both frightening (for me and the readers) and wonderful: http://mellearnsherlessons.blogspot.com/2010/03/lesson-learnt-think-then-post.html

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  7. this is so cute. happy birthday to your hubby!

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  8. You've just brought tears of laughter to my eyes... you are one funny lady!! =)

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  9. am totally digging the b-day roast. i feel inspired.

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  10. The "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" thing AND the "Ace Ventura" thing both are spot on. He sure has gone through some LOOKS and I can't wait to see yours. A nice same-year side-by-side comparison would be so AWESOMEEEE.

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  11. I have to say I read your blog every time you put a new entry up and I am loving it!! I literally laugh out loud (while in class at university I might add), and Happy B day to your happy...
    PS. eluding to the BJ... hilarious!

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  12. he's totally cute.

    except in the girl jeans.

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  13. This is hilarious!

    But is it wrong that I totally think the 1999-Gilbert-Grape-picture of your husband is hot?

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  14. I just love you. =) I have yet to read a post of yours that did not have me laughing hysterically!! Here's to us about-to-be-30-something's...*clinks glasses* (Though I will have to wait until June.) Happy B-day to your hubby, whose pics are just too cute!! I wish I could do the same with mine, though he would probably murder me in my sleep. LOL Thanks for being so amazing! =)

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  15. I've just discovered your Blog and I'm laughing out loud at many of your posts. I think it is because I can relate to so many of them. You are braver than me as I don't think I could post old photo's of my self on my blog. What my mother did to my hair back then would today result in child services taking me away for cruelty. But then again it was the 70's and who did have good hair back then.
    I will keep on reading as your writing style is brilliant.
    Oh and by the way, would you believe my first name is "UNA" too !!!! Seriously! There isn't many of us around under the age of about 80 these days.

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  16. Loving your blog!! Hilarious and just made me laugh at loud. I think it is because I relate to many of your posts. And because my name is "Una" as well! Yes, there are more of us out there.

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  17. Karate kid was FIERCE! He fills out those jeans nicely, no visible muffin top...or did he borrow your Spanx for the photoshoot...

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  18. This was hilarious and your husband is a good sport : ) I bet you guys have lots of fun together. And why the fuck to guys always want blowjobs for their birthday? I never got that?

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  19. I appreciate what you've done here, but I think everyone is trying to avoid a VERY uncomfortable truth. The most unsettling thing in any of these pictures is THAT BREAKFAST CLUB POSTER in the 2005 picture!!!

    Seriuosly...what up with that?!

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  20. I'm sure you've gotten this before.. but I have to tell you, I was sneaking a peek-read of this at work and almost got in trouble because of my giggling aloud. VERY nice. I can't even pick a favorite picture because I loved what you did with them so very much.

    I try never to promise the birthday BJ... why? Well, because to be honest, my credit is no good with my husband. I've "fallen asleep" one time too many. He doesn't even hope for it anymore. Lately I've just been trying let him forget when his birthday even is. Some men are so selfish.

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  21. I'm pretty sure 2006 was his best year. I mean, look at those lips. Though the Arnie look is very "I don't wanna take a baff."

    My husband's bday was Monday & I'm not even kidding, I started a post of awful/awesome pictures of him too. But then I couldn't finish it because obvi, I was too busy eating Doritos & making little orange men out of my coated fingerprints.

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  22. I need to learn to respond to comments a few at a time. Because once I get 20 it becomes a daunting task and I procrastinate accordingly.

    @Fragrant: It frightens me too. When I cam across this photo I thought it was my ass and I was all, 'Damn, I used to look GOOD.'"

    @Ellie: Yes, our only revenge is looking better in their button-down shirts (when worn as nighties).

    @notsoboring: Thank you!

    @Dawn I always beg him to let his hair grow and he ignores me! And thank you so much for reading and commenting. I'm so happy and flattered that I make you laugh.

    @TB What is P90x and where can I get some?

    @Mel YAY. I can't wait to read yours. I find that it's an excercise in self-esteem boosting, since it makes me feel like I look awesome now by comparison.

    @RMb Why thank you!

    @knitty Making people cry makes me feel like Kelly Cutrone, only less mean :)

    @Megan I highly recommend Go Fug Yourself to all bloggers. Self-roasting is underrated.

    @Megan V I only trust people who have gone through hideous awkward phases. Luckily that means I can trust myself, like, 100 times over.

    @megan Thank you! I am really thrilled that I was able to post something titled "Giving Head" that made people misty.

    (P.S. Megans, you are breeding like rabbits, aren't you? Are you forming an army? Will you fight the Meghans?)

    @Betsy I don't know, he's got a great pair of legs.

    @Allie No, it's not wrong. Does Boyfriend have a touch of the 'tard on him, too?

    @passionofthemom Clink! Glug! Cheers! Thank YOU for making me feel awesome.

    @Metropolis Girl: UNA! Hi! We must team up in case the Megans turn against us. Thank you so much for reading!

    @GRUNTILDA He had no muffin top back in 06. Now we are both more muffin-y.

    @inannasstar: Thanks! And Jeff never asked for a BJ, I just decided to title his birthday blog extremely awkwardly.

    @Jim If you mean there is something wrong with the poster because you think it is in Jeff's room, you can relax: That was my room. If you feel that there is something wrong with the poster in general then we need to have words.

    @robin Hi lips are still there and all-natural--they had better a dominant gene. Also, I applaud your commitment to Doritos. I wrote this post while slowly eating a block of cheese.

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  23. P90x is like the stupidest workout/diet routine EVER, but you can do it at home. I did Insanity, it's wimpy cousin, and threw my back out for three weeks. They sell both on late-night infomercials, but here's the website if you've never seen or heard of it:
    http://www.beachbody.com/product/fitness_programs/p90x.do?code=P90XDOTCOM

    I would not recommend doing this unless you hate yourself intensely.

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  24. There is nothing more depressing than when your boyfriend/male friend not only fits into your clothes but looks good while doing it. Unfair!!

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  25. Hi there. If there's one thing I can count on, it's chuckling, sometimes even guffawing, at your posts...thanks for that!

    And....do my eyes deceive me or is that A PIPE in your honey's hand in the '98 photo??

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  26. Your husband is hot like the heat of a nova.

    Put those knee pads on.
    I'm just sayin'.

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  27. @TB Yeah, I'll stick with my diet of wine and sandwiches, thanks.

    @Graygrrrl For real, girl (or grrrl). Luckily, as I said, Jeff's size 4 days are behind him.

    @Carol Why thank you! And Jeff's official position on the pipe is "no comment."

    @Recessionista HA. I am totally telling him you said that.

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  28. Hey...wasn't that poster "Pretty In Pink"? LOL?

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