Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Giving Head: A Birthday Ode

Last night I went to bed with a twentysomething. This morning I woke up with a thirtysomething.

No, I’m not having an affair with Timothy Busfield. Jeff has turned the big 3-0.

True story: The first birthday gift my now-husband ever bought me was a glass head, the kind electronics stores use to showcase headphones. He worked at Pier 1 at the time, and he told me he got me “the weirdest thing” that the store sold. Keep in mind we had only been dating for a few months and he was presenting me with a head-sized box. Ah, the red flags ignored by young lovers.

Yes, I married this man.

A few years later, when we were living together, I returned the favor by purchasing 10 styrofoam mannequin heads for Jeff from eBay. He was going through a phase with his photography wherein he was obsessed with taking pictures of two things: raw meat and mannequin parts. I thought about getting him some steaks, but that seemed unromantic. He loved the heads. He stored them in our office closet along with our mullet wigs and Christmas ornaments. Without fail, every December I go looking for tree lights and startle upon finding ten white faces staring out at me. It’s like Cocoon up in there. (I wonder if spending a few hours in the closet would do anything for my crow’s feet...)

This year times have been tight and I didn’t think in advance to give Jeff any sort of creepy body parts (that aren’t attached to me, anyway). The longer you’re married, the less you give head, I guess. (Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week.) Instead I got him a few books, a tee shirt, and MTV’s The State on DVD. I’m going to make him dinner and we’ll drink a bottle of wine.

Maybe it’s a sign of aging, but I’m starting to realize, like the Grinch before me, that real gifts can’t be bought in stores. This weekend my sister gave me a box of old stuff from my mom’s house. One of the things in the box was a letter I wrote to Jeff less than a month after we started dating. I don’t believe I ever gave it to him. Ahem...
May 11, 2003
Dear Jeff,
I am sitting in my room at 3 AM listening to Etta James and unable to stop thinking about you—see? You keep me up, too, even when you’re not here.
This whole thing—you and me—has taken me by surprise... of the wonderful, turned-on-my-head, out-of-my-mind variety. I want you to know that I think you’re amazing. The more I get to know you, the more I find myself grinning on the subway, spacing out (more than usual) at work, humming. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. So, if I ever fall quiet, or turn my eyes away, or “Mmmmm” for no reason, please know that I am just buying time, trying to find the words to let you know that I am happy to be with you.
You are such a gift, my love. Happy birthday.

*OMG, I totally signed it "love" after LESS THAN A MONTH. Thank God I didn't give this to you at the time; it would have totally freaked you out. But, yeah, I loved you. And I know you loved me too. The glass head said it all.


  1. so sweet - I was just thinking about my own upcoming birthday and got on you blog to find your recent birthday post and then this.

    I am happy for you both - finding great love is a precious thing. I too married a wonderful man - aren't we lucky girls? have a good day, Cheri

  2. Ahhh, that made me a bit teary eyed. It's partly because I'm pmsing, but still - so sweet.

  3. Happy birthday, Jeff and Sassy Una. :)

  4. damn. that made me tear up. we should all be so lucky.

  5. Cathy Q10:58 AM

    Happy birthday, Jeff!

  6. Love the letter - and it's so true about giving gifts. I have one shirt that I've given my little brother every Christmas for the last 6 years because it's become an inside joke. He told me he loved it when I gave it to him, and almost a full year later I found it with the tags still on it. So I took it back and rewrapped it, gave it to him again. And so on. Now it's just something that makes us laugh. It's my favorite gift to give every year. Happy Birthday to Jeff!

  7. its official.

  8. Gahhhhhhhhh this is just so sweet.

    Teary eyes.

  9. I'm feeling uber-bitchy today and am really pissed at my husband, and then I read this and thought, "OhferGodsake I guess I love him."

    Another divorce averted. Very sweet. Love the heads.

    Thank you, SassyC!

  10. Isn't that the sweetest thing ever? And the title... so Sassy! :)

  11. I especially love that the tag on this post is "twoo love" haha!

    "mawwage is what bwings us togethow today..."

  12. This is officially my favorite post..and the title is so misleading. I love love it.

  13. What?!?

    (in the good slangy way)

  14. the glass head he gave you...
    my parents have the same one,
    only it's filled with a bunch of tiny doll heads.
    rather freakish if you ask me.
    it's scary.

    that is just too funny!
    i TOTALLY agree that the best gifts cannot be bought in stores when you age.
    it's the time, for sure.
    because it's limited.
    items, in stores, are endless....
    you'll always find something....
    but the TIME you spend with each other is priceless....
    you don't want to be one of those people (that I speak of in my medical days blogs) rushing to their hospital bedside for some last words you never shared....

    hope you guys enjoy dinner and wine.... and weird body parts....

    Happy birthday Jeff!

    to many more wonderful years together.

    oh and p.s. you guys aren't crazy.... my husband told me he loved me after 4 days.... he says i said it first. i didn't. i said, "i love us." on day 16, we were engaged and on day 68 we were married. (and no not due to some unplanned pregnancy). the wedding was actually planned, believe it or not.

  15. I have one of those exact same glass heads. I couldn't upload a pic here, so I did it on your FB page

  16. PS--Timothy Busfield is now pushing sixty-something.

  17. StephBeth12:45 PM

    That is so sweet. My husband and I were actually just at Pier 1 the other day and they still sell those glass heads, that we thought were totally creepy, but you manage to make them seem like a nice gift.

  18. It is nice to see people sharing a life together. Never give up when the odd difficult days come along, they go away and love is for ever. We celebrated 55 years last 28th February.

  19. This brings all new meaning to giving head.

  20. You have a beautiful relationship.

  21. I want love more than anything now I cant wait to find that special someone to share all those special moments with! Thank you Sassy C!

  22. That is too sweet. I'm glad I saved all the letters that we corresponded through over the years. I don't think there are any I've forgotten to give him. Birthday and Anniversary cards, sure, but not love letters. LOL!

  23. Damnit! I try to avoid being a romantic, but this post ruined it. So completely sweet! I love when two people realize what they have.
    p.s. also love how you didn't want to give him steaks because it wouldn't be romantic so you gave him a bunch of heads

  24. I still have trouble using the F word here in Bloggerville (but not in real life), so bear with me as I gain courage every day...this is so f**king funny. Thank you for regularly making me laugh, sometimes til I snort.

  25. This is so sweet! Happy Birthday, Jeff!

  26. Awww.
    I'm still new to all this blogging so I feel as if I'm reading private stuff that I shouldn't be! But I do love the way you write :)

  27. I love the image of getting out the ol' Christmas decor and facing 10 white heads. Heh heh...freaky, but hilarious...

  28. Anonymous5:32 PM

    Happy Birthday, Jeff. Sassy, what a great post. Thanks.

  29. I am about to hint of my age here (I detest doing so,but its for a good cause)...I have decided that the two of you are way more interesting than Paul and Jamie (my favorite TV couple)from Mad About You.

    Thank you for sharing!

  30. I love the glass head!!!! And I love that you came across that letter and you are able to share it with him now.

  31. We have the same glass head. We refer to him affectionately as Monsier La Tête.

  32. I think it would have been awesome if you'd given him a head on a steak. Very Lord of the Flies

  33. Happy Birthday Mr. Sassy!

    I've had one of those glass heads for ages! I named him George Glass, after Jan's imaginary boyfriend on The Brady Bunch. Yeah, I'm THAT old.

    This line:

    "The longer you’re married, the less you give head"

    is almost enough to make me want to get married.

  34. Last night I went to bed a twenty-something and woke up a thirty-something. I would be completely freaking out if it weren't for my "Jeff"--who is actually a Will. We're so lucky to have found our best friends dressed up in a hot man suit, aren't we? (I almost said "hot man package," but that means something different.)

  35. What a beautiful love letter, Uma! I really hope that one day, someone will make me feel the exact same way. It's nice to know that love like this still exists in a world where believing in "happily ever after" is seen as naive and/or stupid.

    Keep up with the punning too! It's an often-underappreciated art. Take it from someone who basks too much in its light.

  36. that was disgustingly sweet. awesome blog entry!

  37. A. My mom has that Pier 1 head in her office.

    B. The State is awesome!

    C. "Love?" You were so creepy! He must have been creepy, too. *soul mates.*

  38. Thank you all so much. I would give you all head(s) if I could! I still can't get over the fact that a post titled "Giving Head" made so many people get all misty :)

    I promise I will try to respond to comments as they are posted from now on, so I don't have to write a lame catch-all response like this one as often...

  39. Once upon a time I was an Asst. Manager at a Pier One... believe it or not, the glass heads were one of the most popular items... for the very reason that they were the strangest item in the store! Congrats, and I hope you have many more "heady" years together ;)


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