Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Dental Damn

I went to the dentist today. I’m not the kind of person who freaks out about the dentist (which is convenient, really, because I am also the kind of person who regularly eats things off the floor and loses fillings courtesy of two year-old caramels found in the further reaches of the pantry, thereby ensuring abundant dentist visits). I think the reason I like my dentist so much is the hygienist, Thelma. Sure, she scrapes the shit out of my teeth, but she’s funny while she does it. “That poor Alexa Joel,” she’ll mutter. I think she’s talking about the suicide attempt, until she continues: “To have Christie Brinkley as a mother but the face of Billy Joel.”

Anyway, today I found out I have cavities for the first time since I was a preteen (well, excepting an incident in college when I broke a tooth eating God knows what and decided to just let it be like The Beatles told me to in times of trouble because I was young and stupid and wanted to spend all of my money on cigarettes, and then seven or eight months later I had to have a root canal because my tooth was essentially a well big enough to fit Baby Jessica or that girl from The Ring... but that wasn’t really a cavity so much as a giant gaping fucking hole). Anyway, I am distressed. While I admittedly guzzle wine and coffee to the point where my pearly whites are more like canary diamond yellows, oral hygiene is important to me. And I had kind of a record going with the no cavities thing.


(Hence the title, “Dental Damn,” which I very much wanted to use for this post, because in addition to reading about my sad oral history, I know you all were jonesing for a thinly-veiled reference to cunnilingus. Speaking of which, Happy Hump Day. We’ve come full circle, y’all. I feel good about this.)


  1. Dental Damn...oral history...jonesing for a thinly-veiled reference to cunnilingus...Hump Day...ahhhh. My day is complete. Satisfaction.

  2. DANG IT!!!!! TOTALLY not gonna lie. the SAME EXACT thing happened to me.... i had recently written about it too. do you have just one? yeah... cuz me? no, i didn't have just one.... i won't even go in to that story, cuz i'll just get all upset all over again.

    i'm sorry.

    it could be worse. you could have like 3 of your wisdom teeth ripping through your gums and trying to attack your other teeth sideways.... yeah. mine are doing that too. DAMN!!

    i never minded the dentist either, but somehow always found myself squeezing my buttcheeks together and raising them a few inches off of the seat... but i didn't really mind the dentist, really.

  3. again, i applaud your transparency. you're pretty much my favorite.

  4. wait... today is hump day!?

  5. True story: Met the girl from The Ring once. She'd taken a two-month sublet in an enlarged pore on my grandfather's nose. Nice gal.

  6. unlike you I'm afraid of the dentist I hate the feeling if anything scraping or drilling at my mouth.

    I'm sorry you have a cavity. I quit smoking about a year ago from smoking 13 years off and on so maybe I will grow balls enough to see the dentist just cause he'll be all proud.

  7. I love your clarity and humor, definitely one of my new favorite blogs!

  8. Okay I'm going to gloat...I just went for my cleaning, no cavities. None since I was 12! *does a little jig*

    However, I only got 2 of my 4 wisdoms out and now the 2 I didn't get out are brutally trying to make their way out. Only the one on the bottom well that little bastard is completely on his side so he just is basically ramming my bottom row of teeth. It's excrutiating at times.

    And yes I intrigued by the title of the post. I admit it. I admire the way your titles hint at something perverse but then it's totally not. That is talent.

  9. Hooraaaaaaaaaaaaay for innuendo!

    The girlfriend makes 4-5 "that's what she said" jokes a day, and it makes me fall for her just a little bit more each time.

  10. hehehe... cunnilingus

  11. I saw Dental Damn in the title and came running over as fast as my new hips would take me to see if, in fact, you were actually referring to what I thought you might be referring to, and, S.O.A.B., you even mentioned fellatio's kid sister. Now I gotta sit down, I'm outa breath.

  12. Anonymous2:49 PM

    I agree with Thelma. Sorry about the cavity, though.

  13. Hump day? Better get to humping! Hmm, lol. Sorry about your cavity :P

  14. Made my day. Not because of your pain and suffering but because of your humor mixed with the pain and suffering.
    I am a coffee and soda addict so I'm surprised that I've only had 1 cavity in my adult life. I'm actually surprised I still have teeth.

  15. Lucky U.. U only ask a million question.. I was flirting with him with my mouth wide open for a root canal. Nice Blog!!!!

  16. LOL! Love the title!

  17. i totally feel your pain. i just posted last week about my trip to the dentist and the tooth removal there after. be glad its only one tooth....and hang in there

  18. I too admit that I clicked faster than the eye could see thanks to the title....and hump day again....don't tell my husband...:)

  19. I don't have much of a problem with cavities but not smoking a factory a day makes my gums and teeth all scratchy they need a good hump from the very tired toothbrush.

  20. Same thing happened to me. My beautiful perfect record (No cavities as a child whatsoever) came to a grinding halt about 3 years ago. I sat in my car in the parking lot afterwards crying. It's like the 4.0 GPA's first B. It just killed me. And it seemed to usher in a biannual sense of dread for my next dentist visit. Now everytime I escape without a follow-up appt for a filling, I feel as though I've been given a stay of execution.

    Nothing like a penchant for the dentally dramatic, eh?

  21. As usual, you made my laugh again! And seriously, that poor Alexa Joel, it really is unfortunate.

  22. I'm so glad you brought this up. I was supposed to get a root canal a long time ago. I'm not scared of dentists and only put it off because one guy told me I needed braces (I don't) and I haven't believed a diagnosis since.

    p.s. LOOOOVE your blog

  23. And I thought I was the only one who saw the irony of Alexa's gene pool and Piano Man-esque appearance...

  24. That title reeled me in, lol. I need to have oral surgery but I am avoiding it. WOrk inthe office is one thing. Being knocked out is another.


  25. Yay for dental dams! Yay for hump day! I just watched ANTM and I am drunk! Now to respond to les comments:

    @Julie: I am glad I satisfied you. That sounds wrong. And it IS.

    @Ashley: Great minds... write about dentistry?

    @Alle: Every Wednesday is hump day. And you (and your dentist) should be proud! It's hard to quit smoking.

    @Illustrious D: Snap! (seriously, I'm snapping in your honor right now. And I can't snap. So it's like a silent finger scream.)

    @robin: In real life, I am pretty opaque. But thank you!

    @Mrs. Brady: Aw, thank you!

    @ForeverRhonda: You bitch! (Sorry, that was 9th grade me talking.) I am just jealous of your cavity-free teeth...

    @soft nonsene: I love your girlfriend. That's what she said... if she is a lesbian.

    @V: I know, the worst name for the best thing.

    @Mrs. L: I knew you all would get hot and bothered and read the blog, that's why I chose the title--false advertising!

    @Chickens: Thanks. They'll give me laughing gas, so it's kind of a win.

    @Richard: It's customary. And thanks!

    @Melissa's: Why thank you. And coffee and wine should strengthen teeth. Yet another thing to do when I'm president...

    @ZOomysh: I have no idea what you are talking about. But thanks...?

    @Corinne: I know, so saucy!

    @Half Pint: Thank you. It's two teeth, but like I said, I'll have gas. Like, laughing gas, not farts.

    @Alison: I'm telling ;)

    @Redbonegirl: Get your oral surgery! Trust me, waiting on dental work is not pretty. My mouth was like a manhole. Wait, that sounds wrong....

  26. Sassy - you responded to just about every (or every. I didn't count) comment. How'd you get so awesome?

  27. It's reassuring that I'm not the only one who rejoices about the 'fuck yeah no cavity' thing.

    However, last week when I was at the dentist I got 'You have some decalcification, here's some [super fucking expensive] toothpaste', which was a trial size of course.


  28. I used to go to a dentist who assured me, "You never need a reason for more gas"

  29. ok, i've been feeling a cavity brewing for the last 4 months and my denial/dental phobia has been keeping me out of the dentist's chair all this time.

    however, your post scared the shit out of me. no ring girl will be climbing out of the deep recesses of my gums!

    i'm calling my dentist today...

  30. You're funny but dental health is no laughing matter. Don't forget to floss kids.


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