Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The Coma Patient's Guide To Current Television

A few weeks ago Jeff wandered into the living room (which he has dubbed “the femme cave”) while I was watching The Bachelor.

“So, does he fuck all of these women?” he asked.
“Nope,” I replied, navigating the terrain of a peanut butter Newman-O with my tongue. “Only the final three or four. They get to spend a night in ‘the fantasy suite,’ which is totally code for boning.”
“So...” Jeff thought for a minute. “He screws them all and then marries one of them?”

Which is, basically, the entire plot of the show summed up in one line.

Last night, as I was watching the finale wherein Jake (SPOILER ALERT) chooses Vienna over Tenley and he and his heavy-lidded, black-rooted bride-to-be ride on a boat equipped with a sign that reads “Do Not Ride In Rear” (sound marital advice if I ever saw it), Jeff suggested I write a post about how to explain popular television shows to someone who has just emerged from a long coma. Kids, this is what happens when titles stop being polite and start getting real.

Vapid Wealthy Children Go To Pretend Jobs, Have Altercations, Discuss, Repeat


Vapid Wealthy Adult Women Go To Pretend Jobs, Have Altercations, Discuss, Repeat


Sad Reality Contestants You Can’t Remember Do The Cha Cha Wearing Spandex In An Attempt To Win Back Their Dignity


White People Paint Selves Brown, Drink Bacardi, Exchange STDs


People Wash Up On Island, Travel Through Time, Yet Never Lose Weight or Grow Unibrows


Women Rejected By Regular Modeling Agencies Take Advice From Mercurial Drag Queen


Heartwarming Fat People Forced To Dress Like Rainbow Brite's Color Kids Get Yelled At


Giant Chin Overstays Welcome


Now, if you'll excuse me, I must get back to watching Man Fondles 30 Women; Sleeps With 3; Marries 1...
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56 comments :

  1. Very good. I feel like I don't have to watch any of these shows you summed them up so well. What kind of viewing public have we become?

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  2. Priceless! LMAO I'm forwarding the link of this post to some friends.

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  3. Excellent! I laughed like crazy at this...and felt a little bit better about not being able to stop watching that damn bachelor finale. So trashy, yet so addicting!

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  4. Very funny! Thanks for the laughs. I'm definitely linking to this in my post tonight.

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  5. AWESOME. This is SO great. Totally passing this one on...

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  6. ouch sick burn jay leno! (the picture is blocked at work, but I'm sure I guessed it right!)

    Oh Biggest Loser, how you warm my heart.

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  7. You left out Crazy Orange Lady in Short Skirts Sets Up [Real or Imagined] Millionaires With Vapid Gold Diggers, which is one of my favorites.

    http://www.bravotv.com/the-millionaire-matchmaker

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  8. I just read this out loud. Everybody in the room is laughing.
    Another classic post!

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  9. LOVE your name variations for this show. Especially the last one...

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  10. Do drag queens emulate Tyra or vicey versa?

    The chicken or the egg?

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  11. Wow. Television really is a wasteland!

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  12. haha, I love you. This is why I stick to "Offensively true animated series with talking dog and vengeful baby" and "6 people date each other" reruns. TV sucks.

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  13. the giant chin needs to ride off in the sunset to not been seen again

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  14. Excellent tags for the shows...I would refer you to my post on Jersy Shore for a similar excoriation of a truly sad and pathetic offering by TV idea men.
    Great post!

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  15. bwah hahahaha...

    ha.

    makes you think why they call these shows Dancing with the "Stars", "Celebrity" Fit Club, "Celebrity" Rehab, and blah blahdi-blah...

    ppl who reached "celeb" status because they were previously on some reality show and/or used to bone an actual celeb.

    i like the femme cave, btw.

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  16. Loved it! Your sense of humor is amazing.

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  17. Lmao. There we have it. *mini applause*

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  18. I wish there was a way to share this - was LOLing. I am sad to say I don't have cabel so this was a very nice way to know what is REALLY going on in the tv world.

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  19. Hahaha all of your descriptions were spot-on. Kudos.

    "Kids, this is what happens when titles stop being polite and start getting real."- is it sad that I caught the real world reference?

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  20. Haha, you should actually send this to Jay Leno- it's funnier than any of his bits have ever been! Love the description of Lost- and why does Sawyer's hair always look like he just got a blowout at the salon?

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  21. Rather watch you make more of these names than watch the actual shows!

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  22. Aaaagh! I'm only halfway through the first season of Lost, and now I feel like I know just what's going to happen!

    . . . about the unibrow situation, anyway. That's the main reason I've been watching.

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  23. Classic! Jeff is a sharp as a tack as well. Thanks for the laughs :D

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  24. Oh that's just perfect. I, too, watched The Bachelor finale, and I am of the "Tenley didn't give it up" persuasion.

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  25. Oh boy, don't judge me too harshly, but I haven't seen most of these shows. That aside, I still got a kick out of the titles you gave them; I understood some of 'em.

    I especially liked the one about Leno; get off the air already! I miss Conan...

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  26. LOL that pretty much sums it up.

    Tiffany
    http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com

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  27. Interesting blog, love the captions for the pics. Please look at mine: http://glsweetness.blogspot.com/

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  28. this is sooo great! but i'm going to defend LOST and say - no one will ever understand wth is going on on that crazy island, and I think it's great no one changes their physical appearance during their time there... it gives some sense of 'stability.' the traveling through time thing gets confusing though. but it's still my fav show!

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  29. You certainly qualify for professional reviewing of tv shows.
    Since people who produce tv impose idiots upon us,we are stuck watching some of the most inane premises you could imagine.Not to mention the parade of this bizarre human zoo.There should be a free network where anybody could apply to get their show produced,but the green light to come by a raffle,so we don't get the same mentalities deciding for us.You did a marvelous job exposing some of these freaks.You missed some of the most inane ego strokers,such as all the diverse "Real housewifes series","The Kardashians"and other useless Paris Hiltonian personalities.But worry not,tv will continue as the encyclopedia of idiocy,perhaps until we see some alien intervention,or the second coming of Jesus.

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  30. I agree with "No One Reads The Copy"...more, please. There's still Idol..."A Curmudgeon, a Funny Lesbian and a Has Been Provide Snarky Commentary Disguised as Advice to Rockstar Wannabees". Of course, that would have to change if you were in the pre-finals stage. Then you could call it, "When Everyone Who Can't Sing But Wants to Be Famous Anyway Come out of Caves to a Major City Near You to Torture a Curmudgeon, a Funny Lesbian and a Has Been."
    Or is that too wordy?

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  31. Ok...i thought you couldnt get funnier....but....OMG...
    I actually made the mistake of reading your post in office during a meeting....erm...the looks from the speaker after my loud burst of laughter .....
    not good at all
    gal! u crack me up!

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  32. This is friggin' hysterical! love it!

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  33. Thanks for the heads up about what they do on the bachelor...I've never watched it but I think it's a riot that they spend a night in the fantasy suite. What if old bachelor man feels the pressure...do they give you a blow by blow account?

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  34. OMG...do not ride in rear.

    That's right, perfect marriage advice

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  35. o...m...g ok now that I stopped laughing so hard, I have to admit watching some of those shows late a night is a guilty pleasure of mine shhh! anyway as always great post you crack me up!

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  36. I am upset that I actually know all those tv shows that you are talking about. However, this blog did make me chuckle out loud in an otherwise really quiet environment.

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  37. This is hilarious! I was feeling all proud and slightly morally superior for not watching any of these shows...and then you got to my own guilty pleasure...The Biggest Loser. :-) We all need a guilty pleasure here and there, as long as we can still laugh about it. Your titles were right on!

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  38. this is my fav post ever
    you get 5 stars for this one!
    My hubby's a tv addict and gets all withdrawn when i criticize his "babies" or when i figure out the season plotline within 2 min of viewing the first episode.

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  39. this is my fav post ever
    you get 5 stars for this one!
    My hubby's a tv addict and gets all withdrawn when i criticize his "babies" or when i figure out the season plotline within 2 min of viewing the first episode.

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  40. Ahaha! Your new titles are completely right! Great job, as usual. :)

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  41. I was all, "I don't watch these shows! Pah!" and then I saw "People Wash Up On Island, Travel Through Time, Yet Never Lose Weight or Grow Unibrows." Busted!

    This post is especially funny because it's so true. :)

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  42. A few things:

    1. @TB I LOVE the Millionaire Matchmaker title. My sister made me watch that once and it is RIDICULOUS.

    2. I hope you guys realize that I watch every single one of these shows. And love them. I so am not judging anyone for watching them; I just thought it would be funny to make up truer titles.

    3. I realized today that I whisper "Thank you" every time I approve a new comment. Is that creepy?

    4. You're all awesome. That is all.

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  43. Also @Chicken's Consigliere: So right on... except that I think it should be A Curmudgeon, A Funny Lesbian, and a Dawg :)

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  44. Yes, you are right. Forgot Randy is the Dawg.

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  45. Too funny, you made my evening! Thanks for the laugh.

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  46. Love it, I am actually laughing out loud at your TV titles, I think they work much better!

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  47. My favorite was about Lost, especially the part about no one having unibrows. I know I would def have some yucky eyebrows if I were on a deserted island for even 2 weeks. Ha ha.

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  48. I really don't like those shows but I did watch Southern Belles Louisville on hulu.com. Hmmmmm? They can be addicting.

    We are spiraling downward . . . . .

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  49. Fun-fricking-tastic! ;))

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  50. Soooo funny! I have been a lurker for a while, but I HAVE to comment on this one.

    My significant other hates the bachelor and part of it I believe has to do with my utter naive denial that he doesn't sleep with them (even though, I mean, come on, Jake and Vienna might as well have this season. The "heat" was too intense for primetime, right Jake?) Anyhow, it's sad that some of my embarrassing guilty pleasures can be summed up so well. Thanks for the great laugh!

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  51. The new media decision is awful. The judges are judges because they know the business not who the general public want to see because they are funny or theres a romance blooming.
    I miss the old judges, and the fresh batch of models there are only a few genuine people. Alot of them are very self indulgent with their "heartbreak sstories"needing a serious reality Phil being homeless - THAT is real. All the others welcome to the real world, the fact they mention it or draw any experience to it is ridiculous.
    I also think having many photo shoots with multiple guys and girls in one shot stunts the overall improvement of the models. Guys working with girls, gay couples or scenes is great. But having two guys one girl ect just seems a little unfair. I personally think this was done to save airing time nothing more. abogado españa veterinario por internet medico online abogado online consulta online veterinario online psicologo por internet ginecologo online dermatologo online pediatra online doctor por internet medico por internet abogado por internet abogado online psicologo online doctor online Ive followed Americas Next Top Model since the bbeginningand this is the first series i've been massively disappointed with. its too loud, busy, and no wheres near as serious. The only good thing still about this show is makeovers, final shots, and of course Tyra. Rant over -phew!

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