A few weeks ago Jeff wandered into the living room (which he has dubbed “the femme cave”) while I was watching The Bachelor.
“So, does he fuck all of these women?” he asked.
“Nope,” I replied, navigating the terrain of a peanut butter Newman-O with my tongue. “Only the final three or four. They get to spend a night in ‘the fantasy suite,’ which is totally code for boning.”
“So...” Jeff thought for a minute. “He screws them all and then marries one of them?”
Which is, basically, the entire plot of the show summed up in one line.
Last night, as I was watching the finale wherein Jake (SPOILER ALERT) chooses Vienna over Tenley and he and his heavy-lidded, black-rooted bride-to-be ride on a boat equipped with a sign that reads “Do Not Ride In Rear” (sound marital advice if I ever saw it), Jeff suggested I write a post about how to explain popular television shows to someone who has just emerged from a long coma. Kids, this is what happens when titles stop being polite and start getting real.
Vapid Wealthy Children Go To Pretend Jobs, Have Altercations, Discuss, Repeat
Vapid Wealthy Adult Women Go To Pretend Jobs, Have Altercations, Discuss, Repeat
Sad Reality Contestants You Can’t Remember Do The Cha Cha Wearing Spandex In An Attempt To Win Back Their Dignity
White People Paint Selves Brown, Drink Bacardi, Exchange STDs
People Wash Up On Island, Travel Through Time, Yet Never Lose Weight or Grow Unibrows
Women Rejected By Regular Modeling Agencies Take Advice From Mercurial Drag Queen
Heartwarming Fat People Forced To Dress Like Rainbow Brite's Color Kids Get Yelled At
Giant Chin Overstays Welcome
Now, if you'll excuse me, I must get back to watching Man Fondles 30 Women; Sleeps With 3; Marries 1...