Monday, March 8, 2010

Belated Oscar Fashion Throwdown

Before I start in on this, I want you all to know that, yes, I am a hideous troll, passing judgment on others while wearing glasses and fat pants and spot-treating my adult-onset acne with Persa-Gel. The real reason I mock celebrities' fashion choices is because I want to be them. Glad that's out of the way.

I mean, for instance, I have always wanted to wear a gown that was half-pinata to the Oscars, so that I could pack a couple of decent-sized bags of Tootsie Roll midgies to snack on while staring at the back of Clooney's head and making up bawdy limericks.


I'm just... confused. What is that sparkly beige bodice doing on this Purplesaurus Rex lei of a dress? Am I going mental? Zoe's smile here looks suspiciously like a grimace; I think maybe the bottom of this dress is holding the top hostage and she's just issuing a silent scream for help.


I have also always wanted to turn snakeskin into asphalt and then roll it out into a big o'l caftan, put on Elizabeth Taylor levels of eyeliner, and mix myself martinis while listening to Petula Clark records. (Note: I have no proof that Nicole Richie was actually doing any of this before the ceremony. I mean, except for the caftan and the eyeliner, obviously. And I must commend her on taking my advice to eat, like, fifty meatball subs. They look well on you, Nic. Keep it up.)

Okay, so, FACT: Diane Kruger is hot as shit. 
Also FACT: She is dating Pacey Witter and therefore she has WON AT LIFE. (If you like it, Diane, put a ring on it. For real.)


So I guess she can totally be nonchalant about her cat using her Chanel couture as a scratching post. She's all, "Ain't no thang, bitches. I might look like I'm molting, but at least I'm not trapped in a cult and saddled with a baby, unlike some people I know (cough, Joey Potter, cough)."

Hey, what has two thumbs and hates Miley Cyrus?


This girl! I know, I know, she's only sixteen and I should pick on someone my own size--preferably someone who remembers to put shirts on when attending globally televised events. Because seriously, what is that top? It looks like a Maidenform corset from the 50s. What hath John Galliano wrought?

Okay, so last night my mom and I fought over Jennifer Lopez's dress. My mom loved it. I did not. When I first saw it on the red carpet I thought it looked stiff and kind of sticky, like it was made of damp ShamWows or congealed cotton candy.

Turns out I was pretty close:


It's styrofoam! Right? No wonder she looks so awkward in this photo; I would be too if I was dressed in the stuff microwaves came wrapped in.

And it gets even more awkward, you guys. Amanda Seyfried wore the same exact material.


Luckily she was able to quickly distinguish herself as the one whose boobs looked way more like a shoehorn. Crisis averted!

Confession time: I actually loved a lot of the dresses this year. Very sadly there were no Bjorktastrophes, not even ol' Rose Boobs Theron (see previous post). But you don't want to hear me gush about how great Helen Mirren or SigWeave or Gabourey Sidibe or Kate Winslet looked, do you? You want the smackdown. And I'm totally ready to give it to you (if you'll wait just a sec for me to reapply my Persa-Gel).

This last one kind of saddens me, because I love SJP. I can't help it. I'm totally a Carrie, y'all.


I must admit that at first I thought she kind of rocked it. Does it resemble something Ladybird Johnson might have worn on Roman holiday? Granted. But she looks so happy and it's the color of butter, my favorite food, and I kind of dig the retro vibe even though it has no waist and she is pulling it up because it is obviously too long and the flowers on the bustline are the color of week-old dishwater.

But then I saw the side view:


Suddenly this woman is seven months pregnant, and an asteroid has hit her squarely on the thuttocks. This is not, I fear, the look she was going for.

So... who did you hate? Who did you love? Let me know in the comments!

P.S. I'm sorry I haven't posted photos of all of the great dresses (there were many). I'm just super tired and "thuttocks" was all I had left. Believe me, had I continued this would have spiraled into gibberish peppered with upside-down Spanish exclamation points and all-caps mentions of RYAN REYNOLDS.
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54 comments :

  1. Nicole Ritchie looked OLD in the dress. SJP looked horrible, I can care less if it was couture. Not all couture was made to be worn out in public, ahem Charlize. Diane Kruger, she had a bad experience in the fringe store. Miley Cyrus needed to be slapped in the back so that she could stand upright, hunchback is not sexy youngling. Everyone else on the page---stellar aside from Zoe Saldana who I will give a bye because she is suffering from PTSD from making AVatoar, lol.

    Tiffany
    http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com/

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  2. It's not styrofoam, it's totally bubble wrap. I just want to go around behind Jen popping her dress on the red carpet. Because I'm classy and mature.

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  3. I didn't watch the Oscars because they bore me and if anything good happened I can watch it on Youtube, but I bet you 50 bucks SJP couldn't sit down all night because of the...hold on, let me go see how you spelled it..."thuttocks" problem! Extremely odd and now I must go find a picture with a closer view so I can see what it is....

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  4. Bahahaha! Hilarious! Favourite line: "When I first saw it on the red carpet I thought it looked stiff and kind of sticky, like it was made of DAMP SHAMWOWS or congealed cotton candy."

    You're awesome :)

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  5. I would have been ok with you throwing in a picture of Ryan Reynolds, even if there had been no witty comment to go along with it. In fact, would you mind doing that in every post from now on, preferably one of him sans shirt? Thanks, I appreciate it.

    What was Nicole Richie doing at the Oscars? Did she sneak in, like the White House gatecrashers did, just assuming that nobody would ask questions since she's a recognizable face? If she was in a film this year, much less an Oscar-nominated film, I completely missed it.

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  6. Okay now...I wouldn't watch the red carpet or pay attention to what the people were wearing if you paid me....

    But reading your take on it all (fashions and the show itself) made it friggin hilarious!!
    Please don't tell my friends...

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  7. Okay, THIS:
    "Suddenly this woman is seven months pregnant, and an asteroid has hit her squarely on the thuttocks. This is not, I fear, the look she was going for."

    Is my favorite fashion line ever. I am now forced to stalk you. Damn it.

    I thought JLo looked ready for shipping in a USPO flat rate box, and I like Kristen Stewart but she took a perfectly lovely dress and ruined it by scratching herself and phlegming on stage.

    Loved Sandra, Meryl, Helen, Latifa, Winslet, Kendrick. Loved watching Clooney's girlfriend hike her dress up and adjust her ta-tas every time she stood up and they did a crowd shot.

    Most of all, loved your live Oscar commentary. You rocked it, Persa-gel and all.

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  8. Dawson's Creek forever! Pacey FTW. I totally agree with you in regards to SJP's dress, I really wanted to like it as well.

    My question, how did Matthew get out of the 'does my butt look big in this dress?" question without a black eye?!

    http://ethony.blogspot.com

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  9. when i first saw miley cyrus i was all like, "stand up straight, child!" then i realized that she HAD to hunch over like that or else the dress would fall off her boobs. oh miley. she's a talented girl, that one.

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  10. In a show of support for the makers of "The Cove", Vera Farmiga decided to come wearing some repurposed marine life, specifically a sea anemone. Fuschia sea anemone. How do they sit in these things??

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  11. Ur Funny. I really like this post. =)

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  12. Zoe's dress totally reminds me of the smoke monster from lost.

    As for J-Lo's didn't you just want to throw her down on the floor and stomp on her until all the bubble wrap was popped?

    Totally agree on SJP...poor thing.

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  13. I had a whole blog post dedicated to my "Man Five" and Ryan Reynolds was at the top of the list. Also, thuttocks, even though I'm not sure exactly what it means, will be worked into my every day conversations from now on.

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  14. Vira Famiga and Zoe Saldana where the worst in my opinion... Zoe.. well you summed that up pretty well and Viera, well that one kinda leaves me sitting and staring at the screen to make sure I'm actually seeing it correctly. (Ahem) yes I think I am.. kinda look's as though she needed a prop.. like a clam to jump out of. Kate Winslet and Anna Kendrick although I wish Anna's was a darker shade or different shade altogether =) but I like Anna'a and Kate's the best so far. I have yet to see them all though

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  15. I completely agree with all of yours - awesome post! I would only add Anna Kendrick. Her dress was gorgeous but really poor color choice. And what was up with Suzy Amis? Ick. Loved Sandra Bullock and Meryl.

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  16. You hit the worst dressed right on the nose (is that a saying?) Anyway, I think I really loved the best director lady's dress - especially in a close-up, she looked so beautiful and elegant.

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  17. I have a theory that if Miley Cyrus had actually pulled her shoulders back, her boobs would have popped out. Just a theory.

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  18. You are so on it with the Shamwow idea. Get it to market before anyone else thinks of it. With that kind of moisture-absorbing capacity, you could go from a sheath to a bustle in nanosecond. And does that say "Guest Porking" on the sign in the first photo? Is that what the gift bags are for?

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  19. LOVED: Cruz, D. Moore, K. Stewart, Hartigay, prints and patterns, long trains!

    HATED: 1.Clooney and Canalis -- I know they were in on the early jokes, but they looked miserable the entire time. Dude, you are George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis...which means you are WITH Elisabetta Canalis and George Clooney! It's your social obligation to be happy.

    2. I'm with you about Miley's dress. And I'm super irritated with her posture. STAND UP STRAIGHT.

    Strangely, there was an amazingly bad photo of Cheryl Hines out there. It's REALLY REALLY bad. Giant eyes, freakishly large teeth. You'da LOVED it!!! I stumbled upon it by accident, then lost it. And now it's GONE. Duuuuude, her people are good.

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  20. Vera Farmiga's dress was scary. She looked like a lampshade tried to eat her.

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  21. I wonder if there is some kind of reporting structure for Oscar dresses to make sure no one wears the same thing. Then again, since we are not buying off the rack at Macy's I suppose it is not that hard to avoid. "Hey, ______ (insert famous designer name here), are you sure no one else will be wearing your totally green, recycled styrofoam and garbage ties rendition of Halston gown? Because I think it makes the right red carpet statement for this year's awards. That brings up another question...do you think there are any cheeky famous people out there that purposely wear something awful just to see how many people will tell them how great it is?

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  22. my gripe is not so much of the sartorial kind, but i wanted to rip my face off during the reign of terror that was kathy ireland. it was painful.

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  23. Mind you, dude, the (Diane Kruger) cat-scratched look on super-hot woman is kind of in.. this year. Don't believe me? Check out Demi Moore's 'What, Rumer jealously destroyed my skirt with scissors because I'm way way way hotter than she is, even if I am plasticised' ensemble...
    Great post, by the way. :)

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  24. Agree with most of this, except I actually sort of liked Zoe Saldana's dress. It was so batshit that I had to roll with it.

    SJP looked FUG, I'm sorry to say. I love her, I think she's fabulous and she's a great person and can wear ANYTHING...except that. That was awful. What was Uncle Karl thinking? What was SHE thinking? And the horrid spray tan...just no.

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  25. Anonymous9:34 AM

    I love that you used the Dawson's Creek names ... genius!

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  26. Loved your take on the red carpet. I thought you might enjoy mine too!
    http://larainydays.blogspot.com

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  27. Miley def did NOT pull off that look. The dress wasn't terrible, but her hunched posture was so distracting. Also she looks 30(not that there's anything wrong with that, I'm hitting the dirty thirty later this month) but COME- ON!

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  28. Anne - ditto ditto ditto on Kathy Ireland. Please God make it stop...it won't stop...and it's hands, like metal scoops, so precise, so Edward Scissorhands in a huge pearl necklace. (She said pearl necklace...)

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  29. I was just happy that Kristen Stewart looked as though she had bathed for the occasion as it had appeared in some of the magazines lately that she had become a fan of not showering...although she did appear to have to scratch some fleas out of her hair during her time on stage.

    I also shall now have to get the word "thuttocks" into a conversation today, and see if someone asks me if that's a real word!

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  30. I'll respond more individually later, but for all who asked, "thuttocks" is the nebulous area where thigh meets ass. Think cankles but for your derriere. I did not, sadly, coin this term.

    Happy Tuesday!

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  31. Anonymous1:35 PM

    I have to disagree on Miley's dress... I loved it!!!! ..granted for a 30 year old, or generally someone who isn't made famous by her dad's mullet and her ability to wear a blonde wig and confuse a generation of small children about how wigs don't change your identity.

    I want Cameron Diaz's dress and Miley Cyrus's dress to have a dress love-child that can be my very overly formal wedding gown.

    [I will admit that Miley's dress would have been better if the top were covered with the same material as the rest of the dress, but I loved the cut 100%.]

    Lastly, GOD I love Ryan Reynolds.

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  32. Aw, poor Miley. The dress was not that bad - it was the posture that killed it. But she's only 16!!
    And am I the only one who thought Sandra Bullock's dress was meh? And her lips were a disturbing color of glow in the dark pink.

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  33. I actally like Zoe and SJP's for thier risks! I have a strange fashion sense tho! Miley should have taken the wings off her mom's back tattoo and flew far far away!

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  34. Jennifer Lopez looked like she was wrapped in bubble wrap to me. The style of the dress itself wasn't so bad. The texture is to blame.

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  35. haha awesome! what happend to just a simple yet elegant gown? At least they're wearing clothes now, all those events in the past where they're dresses were not neccessarily "too much", but too little... if at all. check out my retro blog http://retrostruggle.com

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  36. I loved Cameron Diaz. Stunning. But doesn't she always look hot (as pointed out by the boyfriend, at which I them looked at him open mouthed like, yeah, I am her exact opposite thanks.)

    Sandra Bullocks dress took a certain kind of taste, but again, she always looks hot, could probably wear a paper bag and people would rave about her. I really liked it.

    Charlize, wow, as you have said. Awful.

    And I felt like the director of the best film had the most ill fitting dress and she looked very uncomfortable.

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  37. The 'wow' dresses were pretty few and far between this year. I spent most of the evening wondering, "what was she thinking?"
    Loved your comments!

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  38. I thought J.Lo's dress was made of bubble wrap

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  39. Agreed, that side view did nothing to justify SJP's figure

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  40. Great stuff...very clever!

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  41. I really don't care about the dresses - I usually am a poor excuse of a woman, but I mostly agree with you.

    Still, the one thing that struck me the most was SJP's hairdo. What happened? Did she go through a mini-tornado before she hit the red carpet? It looked like the woman had been struck by lightning on her way to the Oscars, and no one at the event remembered to bring a brush... Or a comb... Or even some good ol' fashioned grandma spit to tame that thing down...

    Oh, yes. And the chewing gum with her mouth open during the ceremony kinda classied it up too.

    I love her work and respect SJP, but I got the feeling that the woman was on some sort of heavy-doody "pain medication"... (I said "doody".)

    Brilliantly funny post, by the way.

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  42. OMG, I liked SJP's dress until I saw the side view posted here! If the dress doesn't fit, find one that does! I loved Sandra Bullock's look except for the lipstick, thought Cameron Diaz looked all grown up for the first time ever, and thought Kate Winslet looked fabulous, but couldn't she have worn something other than gray? Still, pale colors are her thing. And I want to be Helen Mirren when I grow up.

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  43. Anonymous10:19 PM

    OK, I must admit, I love YOU. I bookmarked you eons ago and you make every day brighter for me. Well, you asked. This column is so far my fave thing about the oscars. yep.

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  44. I was LMAO through this entire post...thank you so much for being the funniest person alive!! I don't care if my husband keeps tossing the sidelong "Is this bitch going crazy??" glances my way! You were spot-on with what I thought of the evening, and I love the "thuttocks" quip more than anything I've read in a long, long time! You are simply awesome. =) Loved Sandra's dress, but HATED the train on it!!! Wanted to "accidentally" step on it until it was detached.

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  45. Joannafesto1:39 AM

    Very cute blog. I agree with Julia Writer. SJP has such a great body, what was she thinking with that dress?

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  46. I found you today while I was wandering through the internet/blogging ether (I'm having a duvet day with my laptop, yay!), and your post here made me laugh out loud. I like a gal who admits from the offing that she's bitching 'cos she's a bit jealous. That said, I totally agree with your thoughts. And it pains me to admit that SJP (I love her) has gone over to the "I'm wearing it cos it's couture but it's actually strangling me" dark side of fashion. I love your blog and writing style. Sending smiles, Emma.

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  47. I can't believe how terribly wrong SJP's dress is!!!!!! How could anyone DO that to her?? they turned her body into a sack of butter. Have you ever even SEEN butter in a sack? Eeesh.

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  48. Anonymous2:26 PM

    Omg, you are so funny. Thanks for your unique take on things. I check your posts out daily, (and forward them on of course!)I am often laughing out loud at my desk and my co-workers think I am having a breakdown. (Only at lunchtime though) :)

    How is Buckwheat? That was HILARIOUS!!!!!!! My 79 year old mom enjoyed it as well.

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  49. Another hater of Miley Cyrus here! She grosses me out.

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  50. hahah your absolutely fantastic! and everything u said was one hundred percent true. who cares if Miley is 16, she needs to be knocked around by some of us old girls until she starts acting her age! SJP made a huge mistake. but we all do. however, ours aren't normally broadcasted on Television for everyone to see

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  51. Honestly, I was completely satisfied after "thuttocks".

    I think it may replace my current favourite of "hambeast"!

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  52. I have to ask what the hell was Miley Cyrus even doing there? Here I thought you had to be a good actress/actor to get invited but apparently they are just handing invites out at the local mall. I'm sure Lindsey Lohan is stealing her outfit for next years Oscars as I write this.

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  53. Jennifer Lopez's dress was totally made out of BUBBLE WRAP, not STYROFOAM! DUH! ;-) I really enjoyed this entry. Hilarious!

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