Abandon hope (and, apparently, hair), all ye who enter here.
I am pretty sure that this was a school assignment having to do with Holden Caulfield, who was himself a pretty sassy curmudgeon, running around New York dismissing people as "crumby" and "phony." Seeing this adorable little book, I had high hopes for my burgeoning 9th grade misanthropy... but sadly as I read through it I found that I barely cursed at all (although in my defense I think I had to hand this in to my teacher). A lot of things (people's fingernails, shoes, hair, overall appearance) I deemed "nasty," and a few times I just wrote ASSHOLE! underlined a bunch of times, as if channeling Kevin Kline in A Fish Called Wanda. There were, however, a few bad thoughts that I wanted to recognize:
2:23 PM (School) Those overalls are not becoming.
I don't even have to see the person I'm talking about here; this is a universal truth. I think Ghandi even said it once, to Mother Teresa. He was all "We must become the change we want to see... by not wearing overalls. What are we, farmers?"
8:28 PM (Home) This show is so stupid. I can't believe I'm watching it.
Hold up, now. This is not the self I know. What could have been stupid enough that I felt guilty for watching it? What was even on back then? Herman's Head? That, admittedly, was pretty gay. No matter, though; in fifteen years, tiny self, you'll have no shame left, and will delight in watching back-to-back episodes of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant and Toddlers in Tiaras.
7:18 AM (Subway station) I HATE WHEN THE SUBWAY'S LATE! I hate everything!
Preach, l'il Una. I still think this, like, every day.
2:00 PM (School) I HATE people who read stuff with feeling.
Hahahaha. Remember when people had to read passages aloud in English class, and most of us would try to sound as disaffected as possible while still correctly pronouncing all of the words, but there would be that one kid who had to enunciate and emote like they were performing Shakespeare in front of the college admissions board?
7:25 AM (Subway) You bitch.
This always applies, whether you're talking about the subway, a fellow passenger, or yourself.
2:01 PM (School) If you're fat, don't wear horizontal stripes.
What, I was trying to be helpful! (BTW, this is totally going to be the title of my memoir-slash-self-help-book, like how Kelly Cutrone's is called "If You Have To Cry, Go Outside.")
Side note: I am pretty sure that the "104" scrawled on the cover means that I had 104 bad thoughts in the span of a week. I was a featherweight, surely, but look at me now... I bet I have 104 bad thoughts in the course of a day. My parents, needless to say, are so, so proud.