Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Art House Tailgating 101

I saw Greenberg with my sister last night. It was the kind of quiet, quirky character-driven story that makes you so uncomfortable that you laugh extra loud at any jokes--even weak ones--to release the tension. But there was a girl in the front of the theater who cackled even during unfunny scenes (when she wasn't cackling she was coughing or playing with her hair). My sister and I concluded that she must be high or drunk, and felt our theory was confirmed when we heard her drop a glass bottle midway through the movie.

All of which begs the question: Who decides to get wasted watching Greenberg? I was all set to put my judgment pants on (they are, as you might imagine, itchy and tight in the crotch) when I remembered a little incident from my past involving cheap vodka and an art house film called Little Voice.

Woah, Ewan McGregor was in it? For you, Ewan, I would have tried not to be so sloppy. (Also, is it my imagination or does Brenda Blethyn look exactly like Liza Minnelli in this poster? No wonder I drank...)

I wish I could tell you what Little Voice was about but I can't because I was wasted. It was the fall of my freshman year of college, and my friends Charlie, Carolyn and I decided to drive out to a movie theater in a nearby town. It was a Friday, which seemed to us as good a reason as any to get drunk. Carolyn, as I remember, abstained, but Charlie and I mixed up a truly vomitous concoction with Dubra vodka, Mountain Dew, and Kool-Aid. We poured the red mixture back into the Mountain Dew bottles and smuggled them into the theater.

The main problem was that the bottles were 20 ounces, the cocktail tasted like Hawaiian Punch, and I wasn't used to drinking alcohol at movies. I chugged it like it was a soda, and then all of a sudden halfway through the movie I started crying hysterically because something caught fire onscreen. Charlie and Carolyn ushered me out and drove me home, and to thank them I puked in the backseat of Charlie's Toyota Land Cruiser.

So I guess I can't judge the woman who sloppily laughed her way through Greenberg. I can just be glad she wasn't weeping, and hope that whatever she was drinking didn't contain liquor from a plastic bottle or any ingredient that might, hypothetically, stain anyone's car seats hot pink.

Oh, since I titled this Art House Tailgating 101, I guess I should offer some tips. I covered not sobbing and trying to drink clear things... what else? Maybe get high instead. Then at least you'll get all paranoid and hopefully stay quiet. I should totally write "The More You Know" segments for TV. Do they still do those?
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25 comments :

  1. I would love it if the star at the end of your The More You Know segments was unibrowed.

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  2. When I was 16 my friends and I snuck a couple of warm, 32 ounce Coronas into Will Smith's gem Wild Wild West. I then severely injured my hand trying to twist of the non-twist cap. I never again attempted to mix the boozing with the cinema-ing.

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  3. I may or may not have been under the influence of a substance while viewing Avatar in 3D. It may or may not have been a transcendental experience. With no puking. AND I lived to blog about it.

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  4. I worked at a movie theatre in high school, and we would screen the movies after hours the day before they were released to the public.

    We generally did these screenings with 40s of Old E, and one guy always experimented with the different kinds of high he could get from different kinds of cough syrups...

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  5. These days I am not getting a good movie or I don't enjoy the way I should.

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  6. Nice. Very classy. I would only have to assume, not that I know anything about it, that going to the movies high is a much better decision than going drunk. Again, not that I know anything about that, but I've heard stories. Yeah... stories... from... friends.

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  7. I wish I had got monumentally wasted before watching Waterworld. Or during. Because god knows, once that turkey was over the first thing I did was run to the pub.

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  8. I just love a good drunk story. I thought those days were over for me, but I was wrong. The boyfrined and I attended a wine tasting a couple weeks ago that resulted in the following:

    1. Me waking up on the floor wearing only panties. (Back at his place THANK GOD!)

    2. Me spending the entire next day in bed

    3. Him injuring his knee trying to pick me off the floor. This resulted in a trip to the ER, a knee brace, a stash of prescription painkillers smuggled over from Mexico and a referral to an orthopedic surgeon.

    4. Me feeling the need to point out over and over "You have a scrotum! I don't have a scrotum, but you do!" (Yes, the exclamation marks were put there to indicate the enthusiasm which which I made these declarations.)

    5. Both of us having to adjust our spring break activities to compensate for his knee injury.

    Conclusion - Pehaps there should be a maximum drinking age as well?

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  9. I was hammered when I watched "The English Patient." It was a very bad idea.

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  10. I saw "The Rise and Fall of Little Voice" on Broadway in 1994 (according to Wikipedia it lasted 19 previews and 9 performances before closing). If the movie was anywhere near as bad as the play, then you were SO lucky to be wasted.

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  11. I can't remember a durn thing about "Little Voice" either and I don't have alcohol to use as an excuse.

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  12. I think a lot of us were drunk when we watched "Little Voice". Who wants to watch the one Ewan McGregor movie in which he's not naked?

    Still, I think I would have had a fit in the theatre! The last film I saw in the theatre was "Repo Men" and while it is entertaining, it is in no way as hilarious as the loud group of women down the row from me felt.

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  13. You forget that I started bawling as well, given that I was equally housed. And then I drove us home! Yay for good decisions!

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  14. And, oh yeah, I should totally have my own label since you talk about me enough... That way my narcissism can be satisfied with one easy click!

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  15. Oi, sou Brasileira, tenho um Blog a 5 meses, moro em uma montanha no Brasil, linda chama-se Campos do Jordão.
    Se voce puder visite meu blog
    www.ligadajusticapopular.blogspot.com
    Felicidades a voce
    Déborah Cocci

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  16. I once smoked pot and went to see Kissing Jessica Stein. I had already seen it, so I dragged the hubby. I don't remember why we thought it was a good idea to get high before-hand, but I found it incredibly distracting. Not my idea of a good time! Maybe I should have bought popcorn, but I was too afraid that people would be able to tell I was high, so I avoided all human contact.

    Can you tell I'm not really a stoner?

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  17. i was wasted the first time i saw Anchorman. it was great.

    i liked Little Voice. it's not THAT great but it might be worth rewatching when you might remember it.

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  18. Little Voice is one of my favorite movies! If you watch it with subtitles, of course. I can't imagine understanding the accent after drinking..er wait..maybe that's the ticket!

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  19. I look forward to you blog everyday, you always make me laugh. Thanks.

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  20. I have never been to the movies drunk/high...but maybe I am seriously missing out...

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  21. If you can, revisit Little Voice. It's one of my favourite movies of all time, Jane Horrocks is gob-smackingly amazing.

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  22. hahaha judgement pants! tight in the crotch! hilarious!

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  23. When I was in college our local "movie theater" (Yes, it deserves quotations. It was more like a bar basement and there were often reportings of rats. There were 2 screens...or so I heard.) did a free showing a The Green Mile for students. Naturally, my guy friends stuffed their pockets full of beers and we strolled in for the free viewing. Now, of course, I've graduated to the much classier alternative of tossing a couple of screw-off-top wine boxes in my purse. They supposedly contain three glasses of wine each, and are basically the best invention ever. You're welcome.

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  24. Achei o maximo super legal

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  25. Judgement pants! Great visual.

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