All of which begs the question: Who decides to get wasted watching Greenberg? I was all set to put my judgment pants on (they are, as you might imagine, itchy and tight in the crotch) when I remembered a little incident from my past involving cheap vodka and an art house film called Little Voice.
Woah, Ewan McGregor was in it? For you, Ewan, I would have tried not to be so sloppy. (Also, is it my imagination or does Brenda Blethyn look exactly like Liza Minnelli in this poster? No wonder I drank...)
I wish I could tell you what Little Voice was about but I can't because I was wasted. It was the fall of my freshman year of college, and my friends Charlie, Carolyn and I decided to drive out to a movie theater in a nearby town. It was a Friday, which seemed to us as good a reason as any to get drunk. Carolyn, as I remember, abstained, but Charlie and I mixed up a truly vomitous concoction with Dubra vodka, Mountain Dew, and Kool-Aid. We poured the red mixture back into the Mountain Dew bottles and smuggled them into the theater.
The main problem was that the bottles were 20 ounces, the cocktail tasted like Hawaiian Punch, and I wasn't used to drinking alcohol at movies. I chugged it like it was a soda, and then all of a sudden halfway through the movie I started crying hysterically because something caught fire onscreen. Charlie and Carolyn ushered me out and drove me home, and to thank them I puked in the backseat of Charlie's Toyota Land Cruiser.
So I guess I can't judge the woman who sloppily laughed her way through Greenberg. I can just be glad she wasn't weeping, and hope that whatever she was drinking didn't contain liquor from a plastic bottle or any ingredient that might, hypothetically, stain anyone's car seats hot pink.
Oh, since I titled this Art House Tailgating 101, I guess I should offer some tips. I covered not sobbing and trying to drink clear things... what else? Maybe get high instead. Then at least you'll get all paranoid and hopefully stay quiet. I should totally write "The More You Know" segments for TV. Do they still do those?