Wednesday, March 24, 2010

30 Things Not To Do Before I'm 30

Brace yourselves--the 30 posts, they are a-comin'. After all, I'm now less than three weeks from the big day, and while I'm not particularly worked up about it (meaning I'm not fearing it in the least, except maybe for the fear that I am now too old to throw myself a decent party. I'm just so tired all the time... can't we all just order in Chinese and watch Fletch?) I do feel the need to thoroughly document it here on my little piece of Internet real estate (in the grand scheme of the web, my blog is surely a water-damaged studio walk-up).

So. I never made any promises to myself about the things I would do before I turned thirty. In retrospect I wish I had. I could have made a list with challenges like "Eat own weight in Bugles" or "Watch more than twelve hours of television in one day," and handed myself an easy victory. I guess at least I'm not saddled with directives from my clueless just-out-of-college self to own my own house or have published a novel, but now that I'm almost to the big 3-0 I find myself wanting some kind of list to check off. So, I present to you, 30 things I will NOT do in the next three weeks.

1. Finally learn how to do a cartwheel (like I said, I'm tired, and at the age where my legs don't go over my head... that's what she said.)
2. Get a graduate degree. (If I'm lucky, I may never need one.)
3. Have children. (My eggs are too busy drinking right now.)
4. Get six-pack abs. (Unless there is a beer called "Abs." OMG, gold mine. There's my first million, right there. Quick, who knows how to make hops?)
5. Travel the world. (Except vicariously through The Amazing Race.)
6. Make a shitload of money. (Keep clicking on those ads, though. Momma needs a new filling in her upper first molar!)
7. Learn how to straighten my hair. (What's the point? It's totally gay.)
8. Learn how to make hospital corners. (Mom, you did not fail me; I am just lazy.)
9. Bungee jump. (Look what it did to Jake Pavelka, guys--HE PICKED VIENNA!)
10. Finish epic lists. (JK, I'll finish this at some point before my birthday.)


  1. I think hospital squares can wait until the "before 40 list". I'm pulling for you and that cartwhell.

  2. Guess I should be sad that I can do hospital corners. :( Oh well, that's the military for ya.

  3. i think this list should include the horrific and disturbing "vajazzling". just for good measure.

  4. If you haven't eaten your weight in bugles by the time you turn 30, then you haven't eaten enough bugles in your life. Bugles are delicious!

    I've probably eaten my weight in bugles twice over by now--and by the looks of it, I've got 30 pounds on you!

  5. no.3 "have children" - thats biologically impossible ;-) unless a fertilised egg counts

  6. Paaaalease....I shouldn't even comment, being 61 and all. There are a lot of things I won't do before I hit 62, like get a boob job...way too late for that. Too many things to have tightened up. I do love your list. Clever, funny, creative..I'm jealous. If you think you're tired now, wait a few years.

  7. Congratulations! You have just been awarded a Doctorate in Business from the University of As Seen On TV for the invention of "Abs Beer".

    We will be awarding your degree in an elaborate ceremony on April 1, and look forward to your commencement address.

  8. I did think listing thirty things all in one go was a little ambitious...

  9. I turned 30 last year. I didn't do anything on this list except get a graduate degree. And, I can still sort of do a cartwheel. I stress "SORT OF". I don't remember seeing spots and then having to lie down afterwards when I did them as a kid...

  10. Well done. I turned 30 in January, and while I did not panic over this, I felt (for some bizarre, unexplained, insane reason)compelled to make a list of things that I HAD accomplished prior to turning 30, and that made me truly depressed. I have yet to recover. I like your approach better. Good luck with NOT accomplishing any of the things you have set out to NOT accomplish!

  11. Wow. I totally made this list in the eighth grade. Only mine said things like, "Dye hair pink," "Shave head," and most importantly, "To Do."

    Oh, and, the thirty thing-- I keep telling Boots that thirty is the new 21. Can't be that bad.

  12. Y'know, it might be fun to see a list of 40 things you'll do before you're 40!

  13. When I saw the title of the post today, I smiled... looking forward to the rest. Very funny stuff Ms. Sassy.

    WV .. what does eavyle mean???

  14. You should add, "Run a marathon," on your list. It's more impressive after you're sixty anyway...

  15. I hope you are having a party. This is me inviting myself. :)

  16. Now, I on the other hand, waited until after I turned 30 to "perfect the art of living". And, kids before 30?? Highly overrated. Happy (early) Birthday!

  17. LOVE it! Now THIS is how to write [part of a] list. At least you have goals to not do things...You could be really lazy and have no goals at all!

  18. Hey! My 30's were my absolute best! I'm 3 years away from 50 now and I remember mom saying, "If you want to loose any weight, do it before 40. It just gets harder!" Ain't that the truth! lol Enjoy your 30's! They will be great!

  19. Hey- these days, 30 still counts as young! At least we don't live in the 1800s when you would be required to be married with a hundred kids and considered middle-aged by now. You've still got plenty of time to do the things on your list.

  20. Don't shame your mom. Get that bed make and change the sheets weekly.

    Thank you.

  21. If it makes you feel any better, ordering Chinese and watching Fletch is pretty much all I have energy for too. But I also average about 5 hours of sleep a night during the week, so take that as you may.

  22. Here's a suggestion:

    No Do-It-Yourself Home Surgery.

    Just saying. It sounds like a good one to avoid for the next three weeks.

    *Word verification: enicedmi
    Are these even real words?

  23. i bet my brother can help you with the 6 pack of "abs." he brews his own beer and has been looking for an idea, such as yours, that will make him millions.

  24. A week after I turned 33, I wrote a list of things I've done since turning 33, because lists of things to do that you've already done are so much more satisfying. It included "had ice cream for dessert twice in one day" and "shaved my legs with a fancy razor." I'm ambitious!

  25. I love that you posted "Not" to do, I just recently turned thirty and I swore I wasn't going to be the person saying "oh my gosh I'm 30 what have I done with my life!"

    But I was , so I'm glad to see some humor in it for all of us. Love your blog Sassy!

  26. @NC17: Thank you for the gymnastic support. Now if only I could make hospital corners WHILE cartwheeling...

    @anne: Good one! I'll use that on the continuation of my list. I've been meaning to address vajazzling.

    @Richard: Come over and do mine? Please?

    @CML: Biologically impossible? Are you saying I am a hermie?! Oh, wait I see. Yeah, that's why I put it on the list... kind of a joke :)

    @TB: Everyone knows Bugle weight doesn't count!

    @Californian: Interesting comment.

    @Judy: I know, I know. Someday I will look back on this and laugh at how I thought 30 was old. But sadly I don't have that hindsight now.

    @Julie: YESSSS. Except now you ruined my not getting a graduate degree item. I am so torn.

    @Ellie: I know, I'm in over my head.

    @Stolen: I think there were spots when we were kids, but we just got up anyway and ran somewhere fast, and then had a juice box.

    @April: Milestone birthdays just make you want to list things, don't they? Thanks for the support! :)

    @Blissed: That is the next list on my list.

    @Rachel: You were MUCH more badass than me at 16. Also, you're right, 30 IS the new 21... or at least my liver seems to think so.

    @Kelli: I totally won't run a marathon in the next 3 weeks! That's going on the list. Thank you!

    @Heidi: Aw, I'm glad. And word verifications are confusing to make sure you're not a robot. I think robots explode when faced with made-up words. Good to know in case you are ever attacked by one.

    @inflammatory: At some point, yes, and you're totally invited :)

    @Julianna: Yeah, I figure why shoot my life wad early? And yes, I just compared my entire life to semen.

    @gamommy: I like the way you think!

    @Deanna: I'm looking forward to the 30s, metabolism slow-down and all. Thanks!

    @Abigail: So true. If we lived in the 1800s, in addition to having 17 hairy children I'd also be in debtor's prison.

    @Maybelline: I make my bed every day and change my sheets every week, I just can't do hospital corners. Geez.

    @soft nonsense: Do you stay up late analyzing the Fletch movies? Because that is a fool's game.

    @Janina: Good one! I'll try not to remove any organs. And see my response to Heidi re: word verifications. They are bananas.

    @brm: Nice. Let's make this happen.

    @Amy: I like that strategy! And I love your list.

    @Alle: Thanks so much! Yeah, an unambitious list is so much less pressure.

  27. When I hit 20, a friend and I made a list of things we wanted to do by the time we hit 30. Thirty came, and my friend and I looked back on our list. I cringed at all the things I didn't do.

    At 31, I got really depressed, because a whole year had gone by and I still had done nothing major on my list. Do yourself a favour: don't spend all of 30 thinking about what you didn't do. Just move forward.

    When I hit 40, I looked back again. I didn't do the things I had planned to do but I did so many more things that were unplanned and really exciting.

    Don't sweat the list, and have a happy birthday!

  28. I REALLY want to be the 30th comment on this post.

    *crosses fingers*

  29. lol at 'A beer called abs'.... That's good stuff!

    I just turned 30 too! Happy early birthday!

  30. I totally agree with number 7, my sister always spends an hour in the morning straightening her hair just to say, "It looks gay" and tie it up in a bun it drives me crazy!


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