Saturday, March 27, 2010

30 Things Not To Do Before I'm 30 Part 30 (Kidding, Just Part Deux)

First, a quick public service announcement: if you don't care at all about my actual life and are just looking for my Project Runway recap, you can find it here. The powers that be at the Huffington Post haven't featured it on the site yet. 

Okay, so, the other day I made a list I didn't finish. It's a joke list, really--a way of turning the normal "what am I doing with my life now that I'v reached a new milestone birthday" angst on its head. And also, obviously, a way for me to have a list I can confidently check off. No money? Check! Mo' problems? Check! Lack of bedazzled pubic mound? Check! (Oh, we'll get to that in a second.)

11. Run a marathon (thanks, Kelli, for the suggestion). I ran track in high school. One day I will write an epic post about how awful I was (which eventually led me to fake an injury to quit the team--again, parents? SO PROUD.). I do not enjoy running, nor am I good at it, so 26 miles of running seems like something I won't do until I am trying to flee some serious (and possibly Bugle-related) weight gain or punish myself for crimes against humanity like...

12. Vajazzling (thanks, Anne! This list is writing itself!) For the uninitiated, this is something that Jennifer Love Hewitt is trying to make happen, much like how Gretchen in Mean Girls tried to make "fetch" happen. The site (yes, it's real) defines "vajazzling" as "Bedazzlin your lady parts with crystals" There is so much wrong with that sentence, and we won't even get into the lack of an apostrophe. First off, let's start with the use of the verb "Bedazzlin'". Does anyone else recall that the Bedazzler looked like a giant staple gun? Are you suggesting I staple crystals onto my labia, Vajazzler? Also, why specify crystals? What else would you suggest I use? Candy buttons? Old 42-cent stamps? And finally, I don't have a vajina, nor do I want it "jazzled." The whole process reads like misspelled stage directions from a bargain basement porno. 

13. Write my autobiography. (Potential titles include Unabrow: True Tales From a Hirsute Childhood and Did I Invite You To My Barbecue? Then Why You All Up In My Grill? The Una LaMarche Story.)

14. Enter a competitive eating contest (Like, officially. I still beat the pants off Jeff pretty much every day.)

15. Be in the running towards becoming America's. Next. Top. Model (Tyra could not HANDLE this.)

16. Get contacts (I don't like things touching my eyeballs. I'm sure I'll have to eventually surrender, but for the next few weeks I'm just going the be the kind of girl guys don't make passes at.)

17. Do a shot of Jagermeister (that's on the "Things Not To Do Ever Again" list.)

18. Get another tattoo (unless it's a tattoo of this list, down my entire back. Then maybe.)

19. Run with bulls (Dance with wolves, though, is a totally different story.)

20. Do a post of 40 Things Not To Do Before I'm 40 (Too soon.)

To be continued, since another thing not to do before I'm 30 is write any posts on the blog that require any effort! (Kidding... kind of.)
Share/Bookmark

29 comments :

  1. Two things:
    1. Apparently there is a movie all about things to do before you're 30. It is aptly titled "Things to Do Before You're 30" and stars some guy who's more recent work includes "There Be Dragons!" (okay, I added the exclamation point for effect).

    2. If you haven't yet, I insist that you try this:

    http://www.dreyers.com/juniorchef/images/MainHeader_D.jpg

    I intend to eat a lot of it before I'm 30, and even more after.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Two things:
    1. Apparently there is a movie all about things to do before you're 30. It is aptly titled "Things to Do Before You're 30" and stars some guy who's more recent work includes "There Be Dragons!" (okay, I added the exclamation point for effect).

    2. If you haven't yet, I insist that you try this:

    http://www.dreyers.com/juniorchef/images/MainHeader_D.jpg

    I intend to eat a lot of it before I'm 30, and even more after.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Candy buttons on one's lady parts actually sounds pretty awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I loved my 30's and when I turned 30 I felt like I had finally arrived. 40 not so much, but not so bad, either.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I dunno, candy buttons on my girlie-parts brings to mind that bit of cheese on a mousetrap.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I don't "get" marathons. Running 26 miles to prove that you can do it sounds pretty silly to me. I put that in the same category as mountain climbing (like Everest, not your local hiking-mountain). I am officially putting "running a marathon" on my list of things not to do before I die.

    ReplyDelete
  7. i totally wouldn't go the contact route.
    i've had contacts since 6th grade and now have corneal ulcers.
    this is true.
    i look like a freakin unibomber with my sunglasses over my glasses and my hoody pulled tight over BOTH of my glasses, blocking out any POSSIBLE ray of sunshine that might manage to sneak through any crack or crevice and hit my eyes.
    AHHHH!!!!
    unless you're super blind like me, stick with glasses.
    or do the lasik surgery, since you love things on your eyeballs.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Vajazzling should be an Olympic sport

    ReplyDelete
  9. Vajazzler...lmao...that one's going to keep me chuckling (and googling it) all day! What will they come up next?

    http://lapoeticseamstress.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  10. Very organized plans.

    ReplyDelete
  11. The 'towards' bit gets me every time. I cringe, then yell at the tee-vee... as though she can hear me... and/or gives a shit what I think...

    ReplyDelete
  12. don't shoot down running while under 30...I started running last June at 51...just did a 5K and 8K...registered for a 10K...and maybe...just maybe I'll do the 1/2 Marathon...and who knows...maybe after the 1/2, I'll do the full.

    ReplyDelete
  13. How can you not make lists?? Especially the silly ones, com'on: top 10 albums of all times (not necessarily ever listend to), top 10 films, top 10 things not to do when you turn.. your next birthday..

    ReplyDelete
  14. Ugh. I am totally down with you re the contacts. Stick with glasses, just shop around until you find some nice frames.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I don't think vajazzling will be happening to me anytime soon, either!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Vajazzling is the funniest thing I have ever read. The visual is kind of scary though... alot of pre-sex navigation through the labial minefield so to speak sounds a little deflating, if ya know what I mean.

    Cool you are doing a list.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I would definitely try contacts. I love mine - they are a much better alternative to my nerdy, and I mean this in the most non-stereotypical way possible, glasses. I initially feared touching my eye until I ripped off the band-aid (not literally, that shit would hurt) and touched it one day. And now I can wear contacts and they are so much more efficient than glasses and I can lay on my pillows at night and watch LOST without my glasses making everything uncomfortable.

    ReplyDelete
  18. LMAO I LOVELOVELOVE your potential autobiography titles!! I haven't laughed that hard all week long....xD I would have laughed that hard at the 'vajazzling' rundown, had my super gay coworker not killed that buzz earlier this week. My boss was just LOVING that conversation!! Haha...

    ReplyDelete
  19. 1.I was ALWAYS 100% certain that "Love" was certifiable. I just needed evidence before I said it aloud.

    2.My ex used to say he ran so long his nipples bled.
    I can't think of one reason to start a hobby/exercise regimen that might potentially end in nipple abrasions.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Vajazzlin?

    She must be doing this as an experiment, like "I don't want to be photographed panty-less or drive with a baby in my lap, so let's see how much publicity I can get from this ridiculous new fad."

    That, or she's crazy. And has a vajazzlin good time every day.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Please for the love of all that is holy write an autobiography.
    I'm sure it would not only be me running to the store like a bat out of hell to buy a copy.
    (Please excuse the Meatloaf reference)

    ReplyDelete
  22. I am LOVING your blog! Just want to say that you are hilarious, and find a way to write the things that I'm thinking in a way that makes them way funnier than they are in my head! Keep it up, I think I may be living vicariously through you :)

    ReplyDelete
  23. Ahhhh yes. "The Hot Tub Machine". Not as deep as "Peggy Sue Got Married", but along the same premise. I would love to "go back and do it all over" (an Eddie Money tune) but not so sure I would change all that much. I would definitely ditch the gummy bracelets and florescent jelly shoes. I would take more risks like maybe eating the red M&M's or standing in front of the microwave while it was on (no Mom I won't glow!) But the "Woulda Coulda Shouldas" have a way at eating up "The Present". Maybe it's best just to stay in 2010?...

    ReplyDelete
  24. Okay, two things...

    1. Like Recessionista's ex, my boyfriend also claims to have run till his nipples bled. WTF? When nursing my baby made my nipples bleed, I STOPPED!

    2. The more I think about it, Vajazzlin with Beer Buttons sounds like it would yield more desireable results, no?

    ReplyDelete
  25. ok, unless i know the author, i don't normally comment on blogs because it makes me feel like a deranged fan; but! i have to say, you are special. and no, not in the "touched" way, but in the magical-i-can't-wait-to-read-your-posts way. so, thank you for being so fucking funny. i.love.it.
    (shamelss plug http://www.heartsallover.com- just close your eyes and click and try not to think of chris brown.)

    ReplyDelete
  26. Re: the Vajazzling...be sure to only use Pubic Zirconia.

    ReplyDelete
  27. This entry, which was my first to read of yours, was my reason for becoming a follower. FANTASTIC! I'm only in my 20's but now see what i don't have to look forward to when i'm in my 30's....and i thank you! :o)

    ReplyDelete
  28. RE: Vajazzling

    Last night I was watching Bob & Tom radio show on TV and they were inciting one of the other male panelists to get "vajazzled". As he was a man, they decided to call it "dickorating"! LMAO.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...