First, a quick public service announcement: if you don't care at all about my actual life and are just looking for my Project Runway recap, you can find it here. The powers that be at the Huffington Post haven't featured it on the site yet.
Okay, so, the other day I made a list I didn't finish. It's a joke list, really--a way of turning the normal "what am I doing with my life now that I'v reached a new milestone birthday" angst on its head. And also, obviously, a way for me to have a list I can confidently check off. No money? Check! Mo' problems? Check! Lack of bedazzled pubic mound? Check! (Oh, we'll get to that in a second.)
11. Run a marathon (thanks, Kelli, for the suggestion). I ran track in high school. One day I will write an epic post about how awful I was (which eventually led me to fake an injury to quit the team--again, parents? SO PROUD.). I do not enjoy running, nor am I good at it, so 26 miles of running seems like something I won't do until I am trying to flee some serious (and possibly Bugle-related) weight gain or punish myself for crimes against humanity like...
12. Vajazzling (thanks, Anne! This list is writing itself!) For the uninitiated, this is something that Jennifer Love Hewitt is trying to make happen, much like how Gretchen in Mean Girls tried to make "fetch" happen. The site (yes, it's real) defines "vajazzling" as "Bedazzlin your lady parts with crystals" There is so much wrong with that sentence, and we won't even get into the lack of an apostrophe. First off, let's start with the use of the verb "Bedazzlin'". Does anyone else recall that the Bedazzler looked like a giant staple gun? Are you suggesting I staple crystals onto my labia, Vajazzler? Also, why specify crystals? What else would you suggest I use? Candy buttons? Old 42-cent stamps? And finally, I don't have a vajina, nor do I want it "jazzled." The whole process reads like misspelled stage directions from a bargain basement porno.
13. Write my autobiography. (Potential titles include Unabrow: True Tales From a Hirsute Childhood and Did I Invite You To My Barbecue? Then Why You All Up In My Grill? The Una LaMarche Story.)
14. Enter a competitive eating contest (Like, officially. I still beat the pants off Jeff pretty much every day.)
15. Be in the running towards becoming America's. Next. Top. Model (Tyra could not HANDLE this.)
16. Get contacts (I don't like things touching my eyeballs. I'm sure I'll have to eventually surrender, but for the next few weeks I'm just going the be the kind of girl guys don't make passes at.)
17. Do a shot of Jagermeister (that's on the "Things Not To Do Ever Again" list.)
18. Get another tattoo (unless it's a tattoo of this list, down my entire back. Then maybe.)
19. Run with bulls (Dance with wolves, though, is a totally different story.)
20. Do a post of 40 Things Not To Do Before I'm 40 (Too soon.)
To be continued, since another thing not to do before I'm 30 is write any posts on the blog that require any effort! (Kidding... kind of.)