You Know It's True... Everything I Do... I Do It For You (A Very Special Episode of The Sassy Curmudgeon)

This post is long overdue but its lateness makes it, sadly, very in character. (True story: I once kept a book on Emperor Tiberius out of the Brooklyn Public Library for over four years. They made me pay $60 and then I got to keep it. Um... score?)

Anyway, on January 20 Blogger made me a Blog of Note (a title given out to a different blog each weekday) and since then I've gotten a ton of new readers. I'm not like Perez Hilton or anything, but for me it's been huge. I'm continually amazed that people I do not know personally have any interest in my little rants and raves and drunken awards show live-blogs and unibrow photos and embarrassing anecdotes (part of me will always be convinced that you are all my Mom using various aliases) and I thank you from the bottom of my curmudgeonly little heart. Every single comment I get makes my day better, and even if you don't ever comment I so appreciate you being here. I guess what I'm trying to say is...

I might as well reveal to you now that I am secretly a big old sap. I teared up during the Jersey Shore episode when Snooki got punched in the face and all of her housemates suddenly gathered around her and iced her jaw and realized she was an actual human being instead of just a sepia-colored Bratz doll in a trucker hat. I can't watch the movie Ghost anymore because I always end up severely dehydrated from hysterical weeping at the end when Molly finally sees Sam and he touches her face and tells her he'll always love her and she says "Ditto." Anyway, I'm just trying to apologize, basically, for getting all mushy up in here when I'm supposed to be making you laugh. Tears of a clown, y'all. Tears of a clown.

Okay, anyway, I want to say a few special thank-yous before I get off of my little soap box o' love this morning.

#1 Thank you to my die-hard readers

This means you, peeps who have been following my blog since 2006. Many of you in this category are my friends and family, and while I know I make a lot of self-deprecating jokes about how blood relatives and bosom buddies are my base audience, I'm going to drop some realness here and say that you are EXTRA special for reading. Actually knowing me in real life means that you don't have to read my blog; it's like I force you to read a mini Christmas newsletter every single day about the minutiae of my life when you could just as easily call me on the phone. So the fact that you continue to read (especially when I write about you and/or tell you things you didn't want to know about my ladyparts) and support me in this touches me (in a totally appropriate way) more than you can know. And if you are NOT a friend or family member and you've been reading since the early days, you are amazing, because God only knows how you found this blog in the first place, not to mention put up with my uneven quarter life crisis posts and doctored photos of Supreme Court justices.

To all of my loyal readers (all two dozen of you) I present this trophy, which is amazingly shaped like a bust of Christopher Walken:

It's the "A Walken To Remember" award, to commemorate that time we fell in love even though I was the pastor's daughter and you were the popular but rebellious bad boy and I had terminal leukemia. YOU COMPLETE ME.

#2 Thank you to my new readers

Whether you found my blog through Blog of Note, the Huffington Post, or other people's blog rolls, I'm so jazzed to have you here (yeah, I said "I'm so jazzed." I might also be wearing scrunch socks and a side ponytail, but you don't know because you can't see me.) Every time I get a new reader, Samantha Baker makes out with Jake Ryan while leaning over a birthday cake—yes, it is that magical. I hope you stick around, and if you have any questions for me please leave them for me in the comments. I love nothing more than to answer reader questions (although I have only gotten one to date).

To all of you new followers and readers and commenters, I present you with this crappy Photoshop job award, which is Mickey Rourke drinking champagne and holding a golden mask:

You get "The Mickey" award because even though your faces are completely unrecognizable to me you are still undeniably awesome. YOU ROCK.

#3 Thank you to Jeff

Despite my many mis-rememberings of our conversations and ceasless airing of my literal and figurative dirty laundry, Jeff has never commented on the blog to defend himself (or to claim he doesn't know me and that he is a fictional character created by my uncontrollable schizophrenia). He reads the blog every day and checks my visitor statistics to excitedly tell me how much traffic I'm getting. He is my absolute perfect match and I love him forever, honest to blog.

Jeffrey, you get the "I'm Not A Witch, I'm Your Wife!" award. Take a look at our future, honey:

Okay, I'm done. Seriously, thank you. And to all of my fellow bloggers out there (especially new ones), don't be afraid to send me your links. I'd be honored to be able to return the favor and read about you.

You Know It's True... Everything I Do... I Do It For You (A Very Special Episode of The Sassy Curmudgeon)