Monday, February 8, 2010

Understated in Dyke Slope, Or The One In Which I Try To Start A Blog War

So today one of my friends linked to the blog "Fabulous in Park Slope" on my Facebook wall and wrote, "Please start a blog war with this woman."

As you loyal readers may have gleaned from reading my blog over the past four years, I am not much of a fighter. I have terrible hand-eye coordination and am easily distracted by shiny things such as passing headlights and York Peppermint Patties. I tend to wear unsupportive footwear and constrictive Muppet mittens, and my only real weapon is my ability to shriek repeatedly at glass-shattering decibels. Despite my alarmingly frequent fantasies about cage-fighting my enemies, Matrix-style, to a soundtrack composed entirely of Ludacris and House of Pain, I am, at the end of the day, an eater, not a fighter.

That said, I must stand up for my home turf.

Now, Park Slope is essentially the least tough place in the world to say you're from*. The only hometown that sounds less tough than Park Slope is Avon-by-the-Sea, because it sounds like you are saying you are from Puddleby-on-the-Marsh or The Hundred Acre Wood or some equally butterly-infested children's paradise. Except that Avon-by-the-Sea is less than 19 miles from where the Jersey Shore house is, which means that you could be dealing with a hardbodied, roid-raging, hair product-abusing guido and so should probably not make fun of his town's sissy name.

Park Slope, of course, is generally thought of as a sissy place. It's become the poster community for yuppies, an urban sanctuary where young, rich white people can move into multi-million dollar brownstones with their babies so that they have more space in which to sip their lattes and stow their bugaboo strollers and write New York Times bestsellers about being sanctimonious vegans. It stands for a sort of entitlement that it didn't used to, back when it was an immigrant community in the early 20th century and even back when it was just starting its gentrification in the 1980s, when me and my family moved onto a fairly gritty block that back then was still a popular site for prostitutes to stroll. Which is precisely the problem I have with Courtney's blog.

It's a free country and she can write whatever she wants. God knows I'm still shocked that people read my ramblings. But being a (presumably) quite wealthy and non-working person and writing a blog about how to bring fabulousity to a community you've only just arrived in is a little bit insulting to those of us without much disposable income who've been here for awhile. Here is how Courtney says hello to her new neighbors:
Apparently, I’m the only one in Park Slope who wants to stay warm…and fabulous at the same time. I got some pretty interesting looks on my outing, and it’s about time. To be honest, I was happy that they were taking notice that there is something else out there than long black The North Face down coats and mittens made in Nepal. I don’t understand, you are missing out on all the fun it is to be Fabulous! I miss seeing other people all dolled up, contemplating what the new “it” bag is, and seeing the most incredible new Loubitons on the girl across the street.
Well, it looks like someone won't be joining the Food Co-Op.

But seriously, look, Courtney, I like being fabulous and fun. Really I do. I throw a great sweatpants dance party to Prince's "Pussy Control." It's just that I don't believe in wearing fur and I like my sub-zero down coat that makes me look like the Michelin Man because it keeps me from freezing my ass off when I walk around judging other people, and also I can fit an entire sandwich in one pocket. I would contemplate what the new 'It' bag is but it would be kind of pointless seeing as I can't afford it anyway and also, then what would I do with the other 23 hours and 59 seconds of my day? And as for seeing the most incredible new Louboutins on that girl across the street (that would be... you, I guess?), well, mostly I would just wonder where exactly the fuck she thinks she is.

We may be sissies, Courtney. We may be yuppies. But we're from Brooklyn. We know better than to pound this cracked-to-shit pavement in $700 shoes.

Yes, that's right. I am beaming my Brooklyn pride out through my pits, that's how fucking proud I am.

(OK, now that House of Pain has stopped playing and I've stopped levitating and shrieking, I'm going back to being non-confrontational. Somebody jump in my way if she tries to swat me with her Burberry umbrella.)

*Park Slope is made even less tough by its nickname, "Dyke Slope," alluding to the unusually high number of gay women who make their home here. Nope, not kidding.


  1. she is fabulously shallow.

    and YOU have like, perfect armpits & sammich pockets.

  2. Oh my God that is like the best compliment I have ever gotten. You rock.

  3. How did your friend even find this chick? She's only written three blog entries!

    You'd think that if she could afford all those expensive designer clothes then she could afford to live in Manhattan, around her people. From the looks of it, you can take solace in the fact that she'll likely soon be covered in red paint by the PETA people, and that will totally clash with her fancy new hot pink bag.

  4. I'm in. Hold my purse, girlfriend, I'ma trip 'that one' and steal her shoes...

    Wait, what else do you need for a blog war? I made some cookies, and I could try to dance-fight like on the t.v.

  5. I think the formation of a club of people who wear fabulous tacky mismatching winter clothes in favor of staying warm is in order. Assessing my winter wear: Monster fur scarf (check), knitted hat & gloves made in Nepal or from a local store (check), random department store brand bulky wool coat (check), warmth (check) fabulousness (CHECK PLUS). Kind of hypocritical of her to ask not to be judged for wearing fur when she's judging others for wearing typical, frumpy winter gear. I bet her fur coat doesn't have pockets let alone one big enough to fit a whole sammich; therefore & thusly, I say she is lacking in fabulosity.

  6. Everyone should have a coat with pockets big enough to hold a sandwich.

  7. Wow. What business does she have bringing children into the world when her priorities are so effed up!?!? She needs to leave "Santa Monica" off that blog. It's making us CA residents look bad, lol.

    P.S. I totally heart your blog. I found it today and it made me truly laugh my ass off.

  8. Did anyone notice that she dedicated half a sentence to her 18 month old being sick and dedicated a whole blog entry to her clothing (like we give a shit)? I have 2 toddlers, and the LAST thing on my mind is my clothing. Who the hell would wear fur or Prada when it's just going to wind up covered in kid snot and snack food? Fabulous never crosses my mind seeing moms like her. Moron, impractical, detached...these are all words that would suit her much better. :)

  9. I can understand your feelings perfectly!

    She sounds like she's trying to be a one-woman Californian invasion...ugh. Folks in the Pacific Northwest have this problem a lot too.

    (Ironically I just now checked the link and found out I'm horrifyingly right!)

    If she'd really get off her high horse (maybe someone needs to take out its knees first) she may learn that when it comes to true style, Californians didn't start it. Nope, in the US, it's New York - and wondering where the heck she gets off thinking it's California...

    But if she thinks she's all that and a bag of stale chips, who are we to say otherwise? Might be more fun to keep silent for the sheer entertainment factor of her being foolish...

  10. First, I'd have to completely agree with Robin. Second, Miss Fabulosa's blog is nowhere near as fabulous when compared to your blog. Third, I may or may not be sucking up to you in the hopes of getting a pair of extra pajama jeans that company may or may not send you...or at least the grey t-shirt...

    And fourth, best compliment I've ever received:
    "Girl, your hair looks like fire."


  11. You couldn't have said it better. Where I'm from, Montana we have the same type of situation, we call them trustafarians. They preach about living minimally, not showering, riding your bike even when there is 2 feet of snow and slack lining...mean while they drive their full-sized top of the line Utility vehicles that SOMEONE obviously bought them and they likely haven't had to work a day in their life for anything.
    It's very frustrating to be looked down upon by someone who doesn't even know what it means to be from a place.

  12. Dear Sassy,

    Blogger told me I should read you, and since it said "volcanicensemble," I knew I would enjoy it. Only a Pretty In Pink fan would use that phrase.

    And I was right. To both counts.


  13. I couldn't help myself , I had to go and have a read on the "dark side".

    So many judgement words sprung to mind while reading. But thats not the way I roll. Maybe in SoCal, what you wear is more important than the person you actually are.

    She has 15 followers. You have over 800 and you're entertaining without being bitchy. You win.

  14. I snorted coffee out of my nose at that photo, thanks for that...

  15. You have wit. She doesn't. You win. Easily. ;)

  16. LOL she sounds like such an ignorant bitch.

  17. Anonymous6:07 AM

    Can you use this pic for your passport photo? It's fabulous.

  18. Funny, funny...that poor glam starved girl, she's probably tired of seeing Yeti's everywhere. Winter can be soooooooo long. I've yet to see a pair of Louboutins on these desolate Toronto streets this winter, but maybe I'm not looking hard enough.

  19. I am speechless. If this chick isn't scared right out of her Laboutins now, then she is fabulously dumb. You're way too sassy to be messed with!

  20. Regina Doublemint9:33 AM

    Just this morning I was working on memorizing which blocks on the way to the subway have the best sidewalks for when I wear heels to work.

  21. I am filled rage, but it's a rage that takes comfort in the spelling of "Loubitons" and the unabashed manner in which this, ahem, lady articulates her endless desire to escape her son/apartment/life in general. If I ever see her (and I'll be on the lookout), I'm going to vomit on her, permanently rid her of her ability to "fab it up" and her poor little son and I will skip off into the sunset chuckling.

  22. York peppermint patties are what I use when in the need to distract my 7 year old. Or husband. Always works.

    Nevermind Avon-by-the-sea, I think the Park Slope snob should have come to Jersey and moved to Spring Lake. That sounds more her speed. Or maybe Deal? Rumson?

    As for the Jersey Shore house, I paid homage to it just a few weeks ago....
    You should check it out:

    I just couldn't get my fist pumps up so high...working on it.

  23. I have been searching for a good way to qualify buying large coats with gigantic pockets, and FINALLY someone has put it in a way that the world can relate to.

  24. Yikes. Women like this are the exact reason I got the frick out of LA when I graduated from college. Also, you know what's fabulous? Knowing how to spell Louboutin. Because, shit, she probably PAID enough for them.

  25. hmmm...I just took a little looksy at the other chica's blog...and yes it is ridiculously mind blowing. However, your blog is epic.

  26. I hate her with the firey passion of 10,000 white hot suns.

    "FABULOSITY! TeeHee Toats no peta ppls LOLLERCOASTER!!!111!"

    Wouldn't it be awesome if there was a rage virus spreading around and her mink coat caught it and became a zombie coat... while she was wearing it?

    Lolz at my own zombie fantasty.

  27. Oh.

    I am inundating this bitch with snarky comments RIGHT NOW.

    Righteous indignation is one of my favorite emotions. Thanx for making my day!

  28. Is she serious? It sounds like a joke. Can anyone really be that shallow and not already have their own reality show?

  29. I am truly delighted to see this insane woman skewered by you. I saw her blog mentioned over on Brokelyn and just sat with my mouth hanging open at the train wreck.

    Also, I am glad that a) you were also asked about guns when you told people you were from Brooklyn. This happened to me when we moved to Boston. WTF???

    b) You pointed out that when some of us moved to Park Slope (my family moved a year before yours) it actually was kinda gritty and drug-infested. I acknowledge what it has become (uh, I have fled to the nabe next door) but my remembered Park Slope has burned out buildings and hookers and crack vials and dear God, nobody like this crazy fur-wearing chick.

  30. I told her to get smacked in the face with a knock-off bag. :)

    This is so much FUN! It's FABULOUS!

  31. Wowwww. I've never seen a blog like hers before. I mean... I haven't went out LOOKING for a blog that would make me completely disgusted... but, there it is! "OMG which $900 bag with the tags still on should I use today? I'm so amazing, look at me! I do nothing while my husband makes all the money that I spend! I'm important!" makes me want to stab my eyes out.

    Una, seriously, you're so much better than her that you don't even need to start a war with her. You've already won. How hard is it to win a war against someone with four brain cells?

  32. Anonymous12:42 PM

    I, as a native-born Angeleno, would like to let everyone know that the good lot of us here in LA are not at all like this woman. When I go to NYC, I feel at home only in Brooklyn (seriously Brooklyn is fabulous enough without dressing like a hooker).

    Please don't judge us.
    And please keep that woman over there.

  33. My muppet mittens are bright orange and I'm proud of it!

  34. Your blog is hilarious and brings me joy. Thank you blogger "Blogs of Note."

    I can't believe I stooped to comment on poor Fabulous in Park Slope's blog, but I just couldn't help myself as I am kind of a twat.

    I mean, I'm generally not one to want to hurt the feelings of a fresh blogger, just putting herself out there and feeling all lonely and isolated in a new role and in a new place, but it's pretty hard to resist when her essay is all "how come nobody is nice to me? Just because I'm richer and more fun then them? I don't get it!"

    I mean talk about your low hanging fruit.

  35. Ugh, the fact that that woman is a mother is sickening...
    Stay home with your fur coat and take care of your sick baby.
    She's the kind of Rochestarian that makes the rest of us wanna puke.

    Ps. New fan of your blog and I love it!
    Your writing is so funny!

  36. I agree on the fabulosity (ha.) of your armpits, beautiful.

    Can I be the flogger in this blog war? Hang er' by her "Loubitons" until she flees our city?

  37. *Le Sigh* I would just like to say that my blog has a crush on your blog. It's too bad my blog lives in Queens and yours in Brooklyn otherwise I'd say we could set them up for a play date. I feel like this picture of your airing our your life (that is you right?) could be on this new tasty blog I found yesterday
    You could be a famous Rainbow Muppet Brite!

  38. i got yo back sista'
    i dont understand labels and their purpose.
    LV is something i dream about but cant yet find a way to rationalize a purse the size of a poptart was worth two mortgage payments. But hey LV? I still love ya' i'm waiting on the walmart rip off's to appropriately represent el cheapo style... better then drawing in my own initlas with glitter pens...
    All these other designers leave me with a "meh" reaction before i'm distracted by thoughts of cheese or quantum physics... or Tom Sawyer a la Lost *swoon*

  39. Thanks to blogger, I found your blog and I'm glad that I did. It's hilarious and now I'm hooked. Like you, I'm an eater, not a fighter. I would rather stand out of the line of fire and throw pointed barbs. ;-)

    I'm gonna continue to read!

  40. Is it ironic she named her child Cash? (noticed in someones comment in one of her posts --- after reading my head hurt and i was trying to figure out how getting dressed FABULOUS was "hard work").

  41. http://www.onachickenwingandaprayer.blogspot.com2:34 PM

    The only 'it' bag around here is a hay bag. Way to defend the hood....I'm not sure about the 'pit' shot though.....even though your underarmoral region is lovely.

  42. um... Wow. This woman reminds me of all the sorority girls I saw when I was in college. Those girls who would wear teeny clothes and scary-high shoes in the middle of winter and then whine about how cold they were. I never understood that.

    I'll keep my frumpy coat and scarf, thank you very much.

    You win, Muppet-gloved-hands down.

  43. I freaking love you - there, I said it :-)

  44. You are hilarious, and such a great writer. Thank God for blogs of note, you are one of the most entertaining parts of my day.

  45. whirler3:05 PM

    Thank you Blogs of Note! Loved it. And hey, this could get interesting... ;D

  46. Maybe I'm just still acting like a naive kid, but I really hope that blog is a spoof. I mean, can a person really be that stupid and shallow?

  47. life got so much more fun when I found your blog. Thank you for your hilarious posts! They make my day!

  48. Nawwww, not gonna go read it. I'd take it as a personal challenge to be mind-blowingly UNfabulous, which would be an easy win for me. And as a native of The Other California I just don't need that kind of exposure.

    My LORD you're funny.

  49. Checked out her blog and cannot believe it is real!!
    Now I love fabulousness as much as the next girl and dressing up is FUN but realllly going on about how hard it is for her and how much she needed to get out and be fabulous when her baby is sick. PUHLEASE this women needs help.

  50. Wow. I want to believe that people like that don't actually exist.

    I'm a new follower of your blog and I love it. You definitely win the blog war, no question. Pretty sure this chic isn't going to last too long in the blogosphere. Her head will likely implode from the effort of being fabulous and finding designers to name-drop.

  51. OMG. Love this post. And what is up with women paying outrageous amounts of cash for the IT bag. Really? A bag???

    I have a better plan.

    Let's come up with the IT WorldVision child. We'll paste the picture on our IT bags and compete with who has the cutest one. We'd still have the competition and all of that cash would actually be doing something useful.

  52. Seriously. You're going to get me fired.

    I can't help but laugh out loud but because I'm at work it's that stifled laugh (you know, the kind that happens during church or a funeral that you know is just WRONG but you can't help it) and when you try to stifle laughter it just gets more funny. Eventually, they're going to hear me and I will be fired for reading blogs at work. Particularly your blog.

    Ah, well. It's not the worst thing to be fired for. =)

  53. Blog wars? I just started a blog and now find there are blog wars out there. This stuff is more complicated than I envisioned.

    Okay -- I took a peek at her three sentences...and decided to come back here to the real thing. Let her do her thing and she sink under the weight of her on pontificating.

    Enjoyed this.


  54. I think it is funny that she thinks the way to become less uncomfortable in a new place is to get everyone ELSE to change.

  55. I love all of you, and it really makes me feel bad to not respond to every single comment. But I'm at work all day and then suddenly I have 52 comments and there is a glass of Cabernet and American Idol Hollywood Week and then I black out.

    But, if any of you are reading this I just want to say a few things:

    1. I was torn about posting this. It made me feel like a bully for picking on a new blogger, even one who seems so self-involved and superficial. Also this was a totally one-sided fight (which is not fair but is, if you ask my husband, exactly how I like 'em.)

    2. No matter how many times you tell me I made you laugh, it never gets old. It makes my day. Well, that and the aforementioned wine and Idol... and Lost. I am so fucking glad Lost is back.

    3. I'm still afraid that Courtney will read this and send her Louboutin-wearing fans hobbling after me, or that someone will get offended by my blase use of the word dyke.

    4. Did I say I love you? Well, I do. If Jeff and I ever split up I want to marry you and have 10,000 of your babies. I have the best readers ever.

  56. This comment has been removed by the author.

  57. I would totally encourage people to visit her site and leave comments - so I guess your all bigger than me.
    New blogger or no, people like her are why people like us coined the terms: clueless, Eurotrash, and worthless.
    May be just my opinion, but I tend to have them. I guess because I don't have a designer bag made in a sweatshop.

  58. The sad thing is that I WAS a sorority girl, and I know that there are lots of these people in the world, but she really does just believe she is being...FABULOUS...and that it is harmless. And by harmless I mean bitchy and mean and shallow. But she doesn't see the harm in that. And she'll read all of this and get drunk on a bottle of $60 wine and take a Xanax and shop until the hollow spot inside is full again. Maybe no one ever gave her a Rainbow Brite doll or let her listen to Prince and that is the problem.

    And your armpits are fabulous, but DAMN look at those GUNS! I'm going to eat a cupcake and contemplate that. A cupcake that I pulled out of my parka pocket.

  59. Anonymous10:26 PM

    Dude. She wrote a response to your post and to all the criticism she's been getting...check it:

  60. I just found your blog tonight, and I wanted to say that you're frickin' hilarious. Hey, I'm a clownfish. I know funny.

    I'm totally watching you now.
    Feel stalked.

  61. Weird. My comment disappeared.

    You're hilarious. I just found this blog tonight, and I gotta say that you crack me up. And I know funny. I'm a clownfish!

  62. Anonymous: This is just what I was afraid of. I'm such a mean girl!

    Christi: Your comments are both there. I'm being stalked by a clownfish!

  63. Anonymous2:26 PM

    She is insufferable. You are a delight.

  64. If you're a mean girl, than I am, too. Solidarity!

    I also think I found her new "it" bag:

  65. You look like Nancy Botwin from Weeds in that picture. It makes me smiley cause that's a great show and I like your tank.

  66. You can start a blog war with me instead? We can curse back and forth-n-shit and try REALLY hard to be fabulous (although, true confessions: that's not actually so hard for me). (Ok, I lied, it really kinda is). (Ok, forget it).


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