Friday, February 26, 2010

Um, Just Kidding. I'm Not Gone Fishin'. I'm On A Horse. With Chin Hair.

So, our flight got cancelled due to the snow in NYC (and as far down as DC I gather, since our connecting flight was also cancelled). No Florida funeral for us. However I am still staying home because I already put in for the time off and I'd have to deal with HR not to mention slog through Gary Coleman-high drifts just to get to the subway, so... SNOW DAY. Even if my work reads this they cannot be mad, because the relative is still dead and it is not my fault God wanted me to go sledding today instead of to a wake.

Of course, this means I have to blog now since I was all dramatic about my three-day hiatus. I should have just not said anything, but then I thought you guys might think I abandoned you and I thought of your sad little faces (well, I thought of sad emoticons actually, since I don't know what most of you look like) and it was too much for me to bear.

At first I thought I'd have to distract you like that dude in the Old Spice ads. Like, hey guys, I'm back. Now look down. Is that a burrito? I'm wearing a fright wig. No, I'm not. Aren't you glad I'm blogging? This blog is now made of freckles. I'm on a horse.

This is the only time I have actually been on a horse and also the only photo in which I do not look like I'm peeing from fear.

But then I went to put some concealer on (yeah, keepin' the magic alive for Jeff) and the snow outside my window flooded my face with, like, a blinding white light. And that is when I saw my chin hair. It was long enough to wave at me in the breeze like one of those inflatable Gumby-looking things you see at car washes. It was like, "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, you finally found meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" I lunged for my Tweezers. I think I even screamed "DON'T LOOK AT ME!" even though Jeff wasn't even home.

You'd think that a person with a natural unibrow would not be surprised by a chin hair, but I'm actually not a terribly hairy person (TMI, right, you are totally picturing me naked right now, aren't you? Well, now you are.) Full disclosure, YES, in seventh grade some bitch asked me if I shaved only the backs of my legs (which would be ridiculous, since the back are so much harder to reach and why would I want a reverse leg hair mullet?) but I never pictured myself as one of those old women who don't even try anymore and who shuffle around the laundromat with a full beard. Is this my destiny? Now I do want to distract myself. Uh, this chin hair is made of diamonds! Look at the Old Spice guy's pecs. Now back to the chin hair, I MEAN DIAMONDS. GOD. Now back to the Old Spice pecs? It's almost 2 o'clock. Time for wine? I'm [sob] on [sob] a [sob] HORSE!
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47 comments :

  1. YOU GO GIRL! I was born on a horse and have two out there looking at me right now to get them out and explore. You look like a natural..next barrel racing!

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  2. That post sounded like you DID take a three day break from blogging, then combined three days worth of posts together into one brilliant flash of spaz.

    And it was mighty to behold.

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  3. a girl asked you if you only shave the backs of your legs? I know you aren't confrontational but you should've punched her right in the mouth!.. not that I'm condoning violence.. ok I am.. but only toward MEAN GIRLS of the world.

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  4. *long distance interweb hug*
    i feel ur pain, i swear i'm related to wolfman :P
    I tell my sweaterchest hubby that he's contagious so i can blame it on him :D
    tmi? lol

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  5. I LOVE that Old Spice commercial! Love it to death!

    Whenever my fella is sitting next to me, I totally follow Old Spice man's directions, looking at my man then looking back at the screen. And I ooooo and ahhh when he shows me the diamonds and yell "Yay!" when he announces that he is on a horse. It doesn't take much to entertain me.

    Also, I'm riding this horse backwards.

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  6. I actually look like an emoticon so you got me right, at least.

    :)

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  7. I know this is way TMI, but when you get old there is no hair on the backs of your legs.

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  8. Before I got to the chin hair part, I thought that it was the horse, instead. And I scoured that poor picture of you on the horse for an equine goatee. It sounded like it might be cute in the title. Alas, as a fellow possessor of an occasional errant chin hair, I feel your pain.

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  9. My senior year in high school I was driving a friend around when she pointed at my chin and laughed because I had a giant long black whisker sticking out. I look over and lo and behold she has one too! We bonded over our mutual chin hair discovery. So just be glad yours are just cropping up now (cause 14 years later I have 3!)

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  10. Um, two things.

    1. I love the image of you shouting 'DON'T LOOK AT ME!' to nobody as your lunge for the tweezers. Classic.

    2. THANK YOU for not only referencing but writing your own version of that uhhhhmazing Old Spice commercial. I'd secretly been wishing you would. Genius.

    Look, my chin hair is made of diamonds. Hahahhahaha

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  11. I thought the horsey was gonna have the chin hair hehe. First time here. :)

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  12. OMG!!! It must be chin hair ...I freaked when I found one...I really am not one of those women that worries about eyebrows or even leg hair most of the time...it is so pale you have to be in the exact light to notice...so when I found it I am not sure if I was proud or scared....lol

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  13. "...a reverse leg hair mullet?"

    I've never met, heard about, or seen, anyone as continuously hilarious as yourself.

    Seriously...
    thanks so much!

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  14. I really enjoy the flash of spaz comment. Haha. I love that commercial and I love your blog ;)

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  15. Chrisy in Chicago3:15 PM

    I firmly believe that all chin hairs grow to their full length overnight. There is NO WAY that I could overlook something that hideous multiple days. And my BFFs would TELL me about it, right? RIGHT?

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  16. I have one of those too. I have to pluck that bitch out on the regular, and I resent it. Of course, my grandmother had a pretty impressive 'stache and billy goat beard that she had to get waxed, so perhaps that's my future. Le sigh.

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  17. this post pretty much sums up why i ready your blog religiously. love it!

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  18. this post pretty much sums up why i read your blog religiously. enjoy your snow day.

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  19. You don't want to come to Florida any how, it is rainy most of the time. Plus, this morning it was 30 and there was frost...okay maybe you did want to come to Florida. Happy snow day!

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  20. I totally feel you on the chin hair thing... my ex boyfriend was actually the first one to spot it.... most humiliating moment of my life. And I'm only 25.

    I'm glad I didn't read this post in public. I guffawed out loud.

    You rock.

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  21. Ha! I'm 32, and a few months ago found ONE chin hair, too. It is such a frightening experience!! I actually felt it, and THEN looked in the mirror and to my HORROR, saw that it was about two inches long! How no one ever saw it, (or worse saw and didn't alert me to its presence), I'll never know. Now I do weekly chin-sweeps to make sure I get that sucker as soon as it pops its evil head out. Aging gracefully. Yup.

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  22. How long were you on horsie? Is your arse killing you?

    I got on a horse for the first time in ages a little while ago, 2 hours almost killed me. The next day I wanted to slowly lower myself into a bucket of ice.

    Diamond chin hairs are made of win

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  23. Just joined your blog, first time commenting. You are hilarious! I'm reading your stuff every day now.

    "Gary Coleman high-drifts" wow, that's funny. Thanks to you I now know what it feels like to have coffee shoot through my nose. um... thanks?

    Great posts. Looking forward to more!

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  24. I absolutely adore your blog.

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  25. Funny stuff. I love the old spice commercial, too.

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  26. snow day!!! yayayay I am so happy for both of us. I feel like the snow must be getting to the wonderful people of new york, because I've been spazzing all day.
    Cute post!

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  27. Hi there... love your blog.

    I got me a chin hair. Just one. Seriously. And every now and then I run screaming for the tweezers... but not before its (the hair) is like, really there know what I mean? Sometimes I wait a day or two .. and kind of stroke it. I had to make friends with it, what can I say...

    Please Lordy, I don't want more friends...

    Good luck with yours...

    h

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  28. Which reminds me, I need to renew my prescription for Vaniqa. It works!

    I have under the chin issues.

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  29. I am embarrassed to tell you that i too have a f'd up follicle that decided it's single-handedly growing a beard. about once a month i'll notice it and pluck. at first (only started a year ago maybe) i totally freaked out. but thankfully there haven't been any other sprouts and it's pretty managable, don't fret.

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  30. So.. I have this mole on my jaw line (close to my neck and ear) and it likes to grow hair. It is the most disgusting thing ever and so I am constantly plucking. Don't feel bad. One is just misfortune this thing grows like 6 hairs at a time! D:

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  31. Hey Una,

    Just found you today via the Blogs of Note award, congrats! You're a freakin' riot,and I needed some new reading material, therefore I'm hooked. Your blog background is without a doubt, one of the best things I've ever seen in my life! I'm snowed in and enjoying catching up....you had me at "ginger bitch!"

    Nicole

    http://whatisbetterthanthis.blogspot.com/

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  32. I'm still picturing you naked with a phatty chin hair & it's all your fault. you look awesome, by the way.

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  33. I used to think pooping in front of hubby was the ultimate sign of the end. Then I switched to 'stache management. Then, finally, landed on the chin hair pluck. That's the worst. Successfully avoided all three (so far) albeit with a few dicey close calls. But chin hair is the worst.

    - R

    http://idoknowhowshedoesit.blogspot.com

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  34. I have to confess, I was hoping you guys would be all, what? Chin hair is TOTES normal. So thank you. More specifically:

    To everyone who thought the horse and not me had chin hair: Bless your little hearts. Also, yes, I realize my title was misleading

    To you wonderfully complimentary new readers like Nicole, it's unbelievalo and Michael Emeritz: Welcome! I totally love you back! It's like an arranged interweb polygamous marriage!

    @soft nonsense: Flash of Spaz isd totally the runner-up title of this blog. If Sassy Curmudgeon ever fails to perform its duties as title, Flash of Spaz gets the crown. I am also considering it for my autobiography. It's a little bit close to Flash of Genius, that ponderous Greg Kinnear movie about windshield wiper patents, but still awesome.

    To everyone else, I am kind of drunk to be honest. I will respond to you tomorrow... :)

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  35. When I visited Russia last year, there was a really old lady with a billygoat beard who would stand in our stairwell all day. She is what keeps me plucking the golden spears of awesomeness that have decided to take up residence on my chin. Little bastards aren't gonna goatify my face!

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  36. Chin hair is totally normal (judging by your responses) so drink up my friend. Okay, I have to ask...you know how you have to verify the little code word before your comment is accepted? Well, do you make that up? Because I am telling you that my code word is "beiver". Which I think is highly coincidental.

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  37. i was totally going to write a post about chin hair. of which i have more than one. maybe i'll wait a few weeks to do it. sigh.

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  38. Man I wish I could do the horse thing.

    Tiffany
    http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com/

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  39. Oh God, reverse leg hair mullet! That is too friggin' funny. You crack me up. I'm sorry about your chin hair. I'm laughing with you, not at you. :D

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  40. hehehe... "This blog is now made of freckles"... that was so random.. i love it... and you still look (just a little) like you might be peeing a bit :D ... i won't even say anything about the chin hairs... ermm.. i mean, diamonds.. it's fun getting older... except for that. enjoyed your blog... ;)

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  41. The two funniest things on earth are your blog and that Old Spice commercial. Imagine my joy at seeing their hilarious mutant love child in this "surprise" post!! Awesome!

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  42. Wow. So amazingly random.

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  43. I am SO glad I found this blog...How have I missed you this long!? My husband just had to ask me if I was laughing or crying because I was laughing so hard no sound was coming out. Well done.

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  44. I couldn't even write a comment until I went to check on the status of my one freakazoid chin follicle. All clear now, so I can proceed, lol.

    One of my aunts, who is only 10 years older than me, told me on the eve of my 30th birthday that first it's random chin hairs and then, once you're 30, you start to grow oddball long hairs around your nipples. Okay, I've since discovered that this isn't true so she's either got a really twisted sense of humor or is a freak of nature herself (or I am since that didn't happen to me and I haven't worked up the nerve to ask anyone else over 30 if they suffer from this), but you'd better believe that I put tweezers in each bathroom, my purse, my glovebox and my desk at work, jic.

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  45. My mother, who has genetically bestowed her unsightly chin pubes on me, bought both my younger sister and I a motorized tweezer.

    It's the least she could do. We're both way under 30. It's really some kind of cosmic joke. My mom looks really young for her age, as do we, but we grow beards.

    Black don't crack but ladybeards are whack.

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  46. I have occasional chin hairs. One on the right, one on left. May not appear for months, then POOF! (after I've stopped checking for it) it pops out and is an inch long.
    I also have a mole on my cheekbone. The mole is unpigmented, so it looks even grosser to have a dark hair sticking out of my cheek bone. . . At this age, I need a magnifying mirror to SEE these things. I always wonder how long I've walked around like that. . .

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  47. LOL. I love the commercial, and when I read the part about the chin hair saying "Hiiiii!" (I imagined it having a high squeaky voice equivalent to that of a chipmunk) I doubled over laughing, and had to sit on the floor in a corner until I could compose myself. (And now I want YOU to imagine a short, goth girl in her early teens with excessive eyeliner and a black trenchcoat curled up laughing behind a plastic trash can.) Good times.

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