Of course, this means I have to blog now since I was all dramatic about my three-day hiatus. I should have just not said anything, but then I thought you guys might think I abandoned you and I thought of your sad little faces (well, I thought of sad emoticons actually, since I don't know what most of you look like) and it was too much for me to bear.
At first I thought I'd have to distract you like that dude in the Old Spice ads. Like, hey guys, I'm back. Now look down. Is that a burrito? I'm wearing a fright wig. No, I'm not. Aren't you glad I'm blogging? This blog is now made of freckles. I'm on a horse.
This is the only time I have actually been on a horse and also the only photo in which I do not look like I'm peeing from fear.
But then I went to put some concealer on (yeah, keepin' the magic alive for Jeff) and the snow outside my window flooded my face with, like, a blinding white light. And that is when I saw my chin hair. It was long enough to wave at me in the breeze like one of those inflatable Gumby-looking things you see at car washes. It was like, "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, you finally found meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" I lunged for my Tweezers. I think I even screamed "DON'T LOOK AT ME!" even though Jeff wasn't even home.
You'd think that a person with a natural unibrow would not be surprised by a chin hair, but I'm actually not a terribly hairy person (TMI, right, you are totally picturing me naked right now, aren't you? Well, now you are.) Full disclosure, YES, in seventh grade some bitch asked me if I shaved only the backs of my legs (which would be ridiculous, since the back are so much harder to reach and why would I want a reverse leg hair mullet?) but I never pictured myself as one of those old women who don't even try anymore and who shuffle around the laundromat with a full beard. Is this my destiny? Now I do want to distract myself. Uh, this chin hair is made of diamonds! Look at the Old Spice guy's pecs. Now back to the chin hair, I MEAN DIAMONDS. GOD. Now back to the Old Spice pecs? It's almost 2 o'clock. Time for wine? I'm [sob] on [sob] a [sob] HORSE!