Wednesday, February 10, 2010

A Snow Day Post That Somehow Covers Both The Bible And Kevin Federline

For those of you who don't live on the East Coast, there is some Day After Tomorrow shit going on here. I'm actually writing this from a room in the New York Public Library, where I'm trapped with Jake Gyllenhaal and that bitch Emmy Rossum, who keeps trying to distract Jake from saving us from wolves and floods with her big saucer eyes. If she starts singing anything from Phantom of the Opera, I'm going to kick her into the flaming pile of Gutenberg bibles we're burning to keep warm.

But seriously, we got some serious snow (did my using the word "serious" twice in one sentence drive home the seriousness of this situation? Because it is serious. Seriously). Enough snow to make New York seem suddenly quaint and quiet, which is saying a lot.

This photo doesn't do the blizzard justice. A photo of my now four foot-wide hair would have been better.

I went to work this morning because the snow didn't seem like a big deal, but once I got there everyone was saying how it was going to get a lot worse over the course of the day and that if the subways stopped running we would be trapped. This scenario seemed to upset most people, but not me; ever since I saw Career Opportunities, in which Jennifer Connelly and Frank Whaley are stranded overnight in a Target, I have wanted nothing more than to have that happen to me.

Granted, my office isn't as fun as a Target—no roller skates, for instance, though we do have a hand-truck for delivering packages that would make a fabulous scooter—but we have a TON of booze and a vending machine full of Doritos, and if Dermot Mulroney wanted to break in and hold me hostage all I have to say is, the more the merrier, Dermot. Can I call you Dermie? Man, now I really want to Netflix that movie.

Anyway, long story short I did not stay at work all day and made it home safely, if wetly. Which left me with some down time, which I am naturally going to fill with scans of the ridiculous tabloid headlines I was fortunate enough to read during the subway ride back to Brooklyn. (My iPod ran out of juice and so I had to buy disposable reading material. I chose Life & Style and In Touch—I had to buy them both because each takes approximately three minutes to "read"... even less if, like me, you skip over anything that mentions a Kardashian or Carrie Underwood's dream wedding.)

I hope you enjoy these as much as I do:

Hey ladies! What's your type? Gay 'N Syncer or fat 'N Syncer? The world is your oyster!

This is actually from the biblical In Touch, In Testament. Other choice headlines include "Low-Cal Secrets of the Last Supper" and "Apostles: They're Just Like Us!"

Well, you made her crazy! And temporarily bald! And you are the reason Britney & Kevin: Chaotic exists (not that I saw all five episodes or anything) ! GO AWAY NOW.

Although Johnny boy is clean-shaven, I'm going to go with... his beard.

Happy snow day, East Coasters. I hope you're staying dry and not trapped in a Target somewhere. But if you are, tell Dermot I say hi. And if you need to keep warm, I bet there are some Britney & Kevin: Chaotic DVDs you can burn (for real, do not watch them, they will EAT YOUR SOUL).



  1. You made me choke on my food again! Im thinking it will be smart to stop eating when I read this. Also, I finally looked up curmudgeaon today (do not judge me, people, if a person new every word in the english language Word of the Day wouldn't be necessary)and you have officially been promoted to "My Hero". Stay safe and warm!

  2. hey curmudgeon, new to your site and loving it. Question: What is the picture that shows behind the blog as it loads? Is it
    A) a chia pet
    B) an ant farm
    C) a molding microwave
    D) none of the above?

  3. I just found you on blogs of note and don't normally comment on blogs...but, seriously - your writing makes me laugh out loud, or at least snicker loudly (which probably isn't all that attractive, but still...). I sent out the link to your sweat pant jeans post as soon as I read it (all my friends want a pair and, strangely, so does my husband (!!)), and this post is great as well. Thanks!!

  4. New fan of the blog here. I've wasted WAY too much time reading your archives! So funny and awesome!

  5. live in Maryland... this is our second blizzard in a week. I want to thank you for keeping me sane today (have been reading your old blog posts for the past 5 hours.) Stay safe and warm!

  6. "Day After Tomorrow Shit" is definitely accurate. I was inspired by the snow to write a song to the tune of "Showdown" by Black Eyed Peas. It took all afternoon! I'm not as good at changing the lyrics to songs as you are, but check it out"

  7. I mistakenly left my apartment to visit w/ my parents the other day. I'm now trapped in the suburbs outside DC with no escape in sight. We had a Boggle tournament today... BOGGLE!

  8. Yea Chicago looks about like that too. It started snowing Monday night and didn't stop till this afternoon. Let's kill that groundhog.

  9. OMG. Lance B(ass) or Joey Fat-one???

    Too many choices. Too. many.

  10. Drinker, Sincerely, J, and Ruth: So glad to have you! Thanks so much for sticking around!

    Sincerely, OMG have I never told you guys what that picture is? I must remedy immediately.

    K to the J: The fact that you are reading through my archives makes me feel indescribably awesome. Thank you!

    Colleen: I cannot WAIT to read your song. Going to your blog as soon as I finish typing.

    Hilary: I think Boggle is back in style now. Retro-chic? I myself am a Yahtzee fan, and a new Bananagrams addict.

    Christopher: You just made me want to watch Groundhog Day, the best movie with Andie MacDowell in it ever made (Andie is like an anchor that drags down every single film she's in.)

    M: I know. It boggles the mind. BOGGLES. I want to play games now, but all we have is Diplomacy, because my husband is a giant (albeit totally hot) nerd.

  11. I discovered your blog via blogs of the month...or whatever it's called. Congrats on 4 successful years. And if you'd like to read about the unemployed curmudgeon (me) please see my blog at

    Thanks for sharing your curmudgeonry! It's quite delightful.

  12. I found you in the blogs of note and I am hooked! I have also passed you along to others who would appreciate your humor and knowlegde of early 90s music!

  13. I too found you via blogs of note, and I HARDLY EVER check out the blogs of note. This post in particular made me laugh out loud, especially the N*sync part. Hilarious!!!

  14. Beautiful picture. We had a lot of snow coming down here in Southern Virginia at about 10am. Lot's of white out my office window. Then it stopped after about an hour. It turned out to me a dusting.

    Hey...thanks for being my first (and only) follower... :-)

  15. The best part of Chaotic is when Brit tells Kevin she loves him on the tour bus when the night-vision cam is rolling. She's chomping away on her gum and says this, and then the camera quickly jumps to Kevin and he- literally- looks like a deer in headlights. He goes "Uh..." and Brit is giggling, and I thought, priceless. This is fucking priceless.

  16. Nice your way of writing..if you can drop in my blog and share your views about the posts..

  17. Thanks for some entertainment while I'm stuck at school for 12 hours today! I'm an elementary art teacher so that means when we have parent teacher conferences, I get no visitors but still have to be here all day!

  18. your blog is nine levels of win.

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  20. Oh, how I wish you could come over the next time I get snowed in- like I was most of last December (including Christmas day)!

    I'd toss some hot chocolate or a snow shovel your way, but I'd probably injure you. So I'll refrain.

  21. i seriously can not get enough of this blog. your humor even captured my husbands interest while i read it out loud during sportscenter, that proves your talent, believe me.

    thank u for the laughs, i am hooked.

    i think if i didn't live across the country from u we would be BFFs :)

  22. Sounds like you need to come to south florida and rent one of our limousines! They will heat up your life.

  23. Seriously, thank you for this. You are hilarious! This kinda stuff makes my day. Keep it up!

  24. No really..your post and pics are ravishing..feels like that the snow is calling and inviting me from so far..carry on and hope to find you share your opinions with me..on my posts..


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