Saturday, February 27, 2010

Snaa Daa Waath Peter Sarsgaard

Sah fahrst ahf aahl, Jahf ahnd ah cahn't stahp tahking lahk thahs (Ahd naht: "thahs" bahing "lahk rahtahds.")

Translation: So, first of all, Jeff and I can't stop talking like this (Ed note: "this" being "like retards.")

I blame this squarely on Allie Brosh, who writes the hilarious blog Hyperbole and a Half and who has invented a character called "Spaghatta Nadle," a spaghetti noodle with a speech impediment. Wah ahr tahtahly ahbsahssed. Ahts gahting tah bah ah prahblahm. (Translation: We are totally obsessed. It's getting to be a problem.)

It totally did not help that yesterday we went sledding and ran into Peter Sarsgaard. Obviously.

Okay, backing up. I am not telling this story very well.

As I mentioned yesterday, it snowed so much that we couldn't fly to Florida. So we decided to use our snow day wisely and went sledding.

We practiced first in our apartment, because we are giant spazzes:

Ahr nabarhs prahbablah haht ahs. (Our neighbors probably hate us.)

Then we bundled up (Jeff in his black coat and hat and I in my Muppet gloves, Rainbow Brite boots, and earmuffs, looking sort of like Jeff's "special" sister with whom he might ride the bus, were this a Lifetime movie of the week) and headed over to Fort Greene park to get our tobogg on. (Get it? Tobbogan. Oh yes, I went there.)

Everything was great until we got to the park and saw that the only people sledding were small children and their adult guardians. Awkward! First of all, we had to wait our turn in line, but I kept letting all of the little kids cut ahead of us because it seemed cruel not to. (Even though the parents were probably whispering to their progeny, "It's okay, Tallulah. Let the nice man and the... special lady go first. Aren't her boots pretty?") Secondly, we probably weigh almost 300 pounds combined, and the thing about small children is that they don't move very fast and if you speed towards them on a runaway toboggan then they don't move at all.

We didn't kill any, though, even when Jeff decided to take a video recording:

As someone on Facebook noted, he is totally copping a feel. 

After this ride we clambered back up the hill and were waiting eagerly for another turn when I saw a man helping his daughter onto a tiny plastic disc. He looked familiar, and after a few seconds I realized that I, a grown woman wearing bright childlike accessories and wielding a big plastic orange toboggan, was looking at Peter Sarsgaard and his kid (whose mother is Maggie Gyllenhaal). This kind of freaked me out, because it is one thing to humiliate yourself in front of normal people, but it is quite another to do it in front of celebrities. Also, as you know I tend to humiliate myself in front of famous people even when I am not looking like a special-needs adult. Much to Jeff's dismay, I asked to head home. He insisted on a final ride, and I agreed. "Just make sure we don't hit the Sarsgaard spawn," I hissed. I took off my earmuffs and shook my hair, trying to look decent just in case there were paparazzi lurking, trying to capture Sarsgaard's outing for UsWeekly's "Stars! They're Just Like Us!" page.

It was a great day, though. In summation:

Bright orange toboggans: 1
Ridiculous Muppet gloves: 2
Age-inappropriate rainbow snow boots: 2
Endlessly patient and loving husband: 1
Small children intimidated: 16 (approximate)
Small children injured: 0 (that we know of)
Peter Sarsgaard sightings: 1
Celebratory hot cocoas: 2
Celebratory chocolate chip cookies that I did not share: 1
Perfect snow days:1


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23 comments :

  1. Oh my lord, ahm ahn lahf wahth Spaghatta Nadle tah! I've been trying to tell my friends about him, but somehow, they always just end up looking at me like I'M the special one in the Rainbow Brite and ear muffs. :)

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  2. Sounds like a great day...and a missed opportunity to kidnap a celebrities child and become a millionaire! Honestly, I'm disappointed.

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  3. I think you had more fun than the kids. That'll show 'em.

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  4. I think you had more fun than the kids. That'll show 'em.

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  5. Pfft, celebrities, like they know how to have fun anyways! :)

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  6. I'll have to check this out.

    Tiffany
    http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com/

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  7. aah mah gahd...ah jahst pahst mah pahnts thah wahs ahffan fahnnah.

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  8. OK, the retarded spaghetti noodle talk reminds me of the way one of Meg Ryan's characters (one of the earlier ones) talked in Joe vs. the Volcano.

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  9. Ah mah Gahd!! Pahtahr Sahrsgaard!!!

    I am both thrilled and deeply sorry that I have done this to you.

    Anyway, one time I saw Viggo Mortensen in the gym (he lives in the same town where I grew up). He was wearing really tight blue jeans on the recumbent bicycle. One of my friends was like "is that Viggo Mortensen??" And I was like "Oh yeah! I think it is!" But really what I was thinking was "what the hell is he doing wearing those jeans on that bike? They can't be very well ventilated..."

    P.S. Thank you :)

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  10. @Mainland Streel: Ah ahm sah glahd yah knah whar ahm cahmin frahm.

    @Adrienne: I know. If only I were as wily as Tim Curry and Bernadette Peters in Annie...

    @Jerry: Yeah, the kids cried whenever the sled went fast. Pussies.

    @Richard: I bet they have fun rolling around in their money, but that's TOTALLY not as fun as sledding. Right?

    @Redbonegirl: You have to check Allie out. Also, every time I see you've commented on my blog I think it says "RedBONERgirl." I am five years old, apparently.

    @j.l.n. Ah lahve yah!

    @Allie: Ah mah Gahd! Allah! That's like Jesus, for Muslims. No, but seriously, I am kind of obsessed with your blog. And the Viggo Mortensen recumbent bike story shall live in infamy. Don't his balls hurt?

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  11. I think Viggo Mortensen must have rubbed all the hair off his balls that day...oh, der tinks ah dink off en mah hahd. And seriously, I think you are on the short bus. Look to your right...that's me sitting next to you! Funny and loved the video!

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  12. And I just stayed in with my Pahrple dranhk. Several, truth be known.

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  13. It's comforting to know that snow days still occur in adulthood. That sounded like a lot of fun!

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  14. You know, I was reading the start of this post thinking "This sounds REALLY terribly familiar..." and it was. It was also hilarious. Not quite as funny as a purple drink, but hey, I just put my australian accent out there for all to hate, so who am I to criticise a nadle.

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  15. Great stuff. I tried saying the the text out loud. I don't think Spagatta Nadle really has a speech impediment. I think she's just related to Nelson Mandela

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  16. At work, we all keep yelling out "AH WAHANTA PARPAHL DRAHNK!". Sad.

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  17. Anonymous10:04 PM

    You know what? I'm SURE your neighbors hate you. I don't know how I found this blog or had the bad judgment to bookmark it (an accident, obviously). Why not just call it "Hipper-Than-Thou Assholes" and be done with it? The post about your li'l rascal made me physically ill.

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  18. you best RECOGNIZE who pointed out that your lover was fondling your bewb. That person is SUPER awesome & SUPER observant. Ok, not really but kinda.

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  19. @robin: I recognize! You ARE.

    @Anonymous: Hmmmm. Hipper-Than-Thou is not really accurate, although assholes I'll give you. More-Self-Deprecating-Than-Thou? Anyway, thanks for bookmarking me by accident and taking the time to make that dick comment. It means a lot to me.

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  20. @Anonymous: I feel so sorry for you if adult sledding followed by a frontal wedgie sounds hipper than your pastimes. Instead of trolling the internet & leaving unnecessary hostile comments, why don't you join us hip kids? I suggest starting off by giving yourself a frontal wedgie, HARD.

    @Sassy:Your blog makes me smile. I think you could pitch your buckwheat story to Eve Ensler..."My Vagina is like a spunky African American child...If my vagina could speak it would say 'O-tay'!".
    YOU ROCK.

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  21. Anonymous...I'm pretty sure her neighbors love her. Why make a comment? Why not just continue your surf. Geez. Whaaaz wraaang with yahh?

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  22. Okay, you two are so adorable. Looks like good times.

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  23. Anonymous is so hostile. Anonymous left several mean comments on my blog, as well. Anonymous is not allowed to comment anymore.

    Stories about you and your husband warm my heart.

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