Sunday, February 28, 2010

Scenes From a Marriage: The Littlest Rascal

DISCLAIMER: This is way TMI. Blood relatives, proceed at your own risk.
UPDATE: Also not safe for children who can read (sorry, MsTaken!)

SCENE: Our living room. Saturday night. Basic couch cuddling. Jeff peeks under my dress (as he is wont to do) and observes that I am wearing a thong.

Jeff: Those can't be comfortable.
Me: They're not.
Jeff: Why do you wear them, then?
Me: VPL, dude.
Jeff: What?
Me: Visible panty line. Major faux pas.
Jeff: What about thong bikinis?
Me: I don't show my butt in public.
Jeff: Why not?
Me: I'm pasty.
Jeff: We could get some bronzer up in here.
Me: You want other people to see my ass?

Jeff pauses to think.

Jeff: What if they made front thongs?
Me: That would be... awful.
Jeff: Show me.

Putting all of my vanity and dignity aside (with help from a glug of wine), I oblige, giving myself what amounts to a front wedgie. THE MAGIC IS GONE.

Jeff: It looks like... Buckwheat hiding behind a lamppost or something.
Me: My vagina looks like the black kid from The Little Rascals?
Jeff: What? Um, no... I mean... just his hair.
Me: We are done here.

Omigah! I can't believe he said that about my vagina!

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58 comments :

  1. HA! That really made me burst out laughing. Awesome.

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  2. Omigah! Funniest. Thing. Ever.

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  3. In the gay community, VPL also stands for "Visible Penis Line". Spotting VPL (especially on a male celebrity) is quite desirable.

    Buckwheat, however, is NOT considered a celebrity in this case.

    XOXOXOXOXO

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  4. You are so brave. And hilarious.

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  5. Oh my god, I cannot breathe for laughing so hard!

    xx

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  6. Whew! Thanks you guys.

    I am breathing a sigh of relief.

    This is the one post in four years that has given me pause. As soon as it happened I knew I had to blog it, but I am incredibly embarrassed. I have totally brought shame to my family. Took long enough.

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  7. hahahah hysterical!!! these are the stories of relationships that need to be old more, lol.

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  8. ROFLMAO Seriously! I made my husband come and read it. Tears flowing from my eyes.

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  9. whoa.

    also, i had a brief dream that you announced you were pregnant on facebook.

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  10. You know over in the right-hand column where you say, "This Many People Have Accidentally Found My Site While Searching For Internet Porn"? This time, I think maybe they found it!

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  11. AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! He's a keeper! Gotta love those men who don't know when to stop talkin'! I got one too.

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  12. OMG you made me cry from laughing!

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  13. Should include "don't read this when your eight year old is looking over your shoulder" in the disclaimer. Sigh.

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  14. Your blog makes me feel like Danny and I just might be more normal than we thought. Strength in numbers! :)

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  15. i love that! that is the funniest thing ever... happy sunday!

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  16. Buckwheat? Really? I am no female grooming expert but maybe you should consider a trim down there.

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  17. Sigh. @Kyle: This is why I didn't want to post this. I won't get into a discussion of my pubes, but it's not nearly as bad as that description would suggest.

    OH MY GOD I AM SO EMBARRASSED.

    Must post something else immediately so that this is not the top thing.

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  18. Oh dear Lord! My teeth baring laugh is still going.

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  19. Thank you David Dust for exposing VPL. In keeping with the TMI theme of this entry, allow me to share: as a hetero chick I often relied on VPL to determine if a guy was right or left handed. Really used to make 'em think I was prescient when I opened a conversation with "So you're left-handed too." I know, eeeeewwwwwww. I'm over it.

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  20. Anonymous4:33 PM

    Hil-hair-eous!

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  21. Mrs. L -

    LOL!!!

    XOXOXOXO

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  22. oh don't be embarrassed....it is friggin funny and totally cool that you and "da man" have that much fun together!!!

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  23. So...you were still drinking the wine when you wrote this one, weren't you?

    I love that you aren't afraid to make fun of yourself--it's what makes your blog (and you) so endearing. :)

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  24. I'm just...well, entertained.

    ...and it's too funny to be shameful.

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  25. Oh my god, I was laughing for like, ten minutes! That's also very disgusting.

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  26. schadylady6:26 PM

    you're right...i think its safe to say the presidency is out of reach! but thats ok b/c you're awesome at this and it's WAY better!!

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  27. Oh man. I just showed this entry to my husband. I'm sorry, I had to. He asked me why I was laughing so hard. He said something to the effect of OH NO HE DIDN'T. LOL! Hilarious. I am so glad you posted it.

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  28. Seriously - one of the funniest things I have read in a very long time. lol

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  29. LMAO! Ah the playful times that young people spend with each other.

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  30. A front thong?
    You two were just drinking?

    I'm trying to figure out why that would even...

    The tears...Oh the tears.

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  31. SO FUNNY!!! My husband heard me laughing from the other end of the house and yelled, are you crying? I had to convince him I was laughing between each hysterical outburst. Thank you! This made my day.

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  32. ask him to get a bikini wax and then he'll know why it looks like buckwheat, okay? That shyt hurts...

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  33. As a blood relative, yes this post is slightly disturbing... but I am just not that shocked by anything I read on here anymore. You've done a good job of preparing us. Lucky 7 post #3, 5, and 6 just to name a few. So, i'll speak for the family when i say don't be ashamed. Love ya cuz.

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  34. bah ha ha ha ha...this is one of the best things I have read in a LONG while!

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  35. This, Una, this right here is what blogging is all about- making people cry happy tears over your pubes. It's like a dream come true!

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  36. I think your husband owes your vagina an apology. The jiffy pop look is where its at! :-P

    P.S. I've been catching up on your blog {since you made blog of note} and you rock! I saw a picture of Lourdes Leon's unibrow, and of course, thought of you. :-D

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  37. Ha ha ha ha!!! Funniest thing I've read in a very long time, however I'm no longer drinking anything while reading your blog. Coffee-2 / my nose-0.

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  38. Hmmm. Are we sure my husband is not travelling back and forth between NY an TX and leading a double life...Cause this is SO a situation that would occur in our house. Except that I'm bare...but he'd find something!

    Thanks for making my morning!!

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  39. noooooooooo!!!!! lol ... tell me, he didn't say that!!!! that's so wrong and funny... this went well with my coffee this morning..uh, sort of... hehe

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  40. Oh God that is the funniest thing EVER!!! I'm definitely laughing my ass off! :)

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  41. Anonymous12:21 PM

    LOL!!! After I finished killing myself laughing at this post I must point out a couple points.
    First your vagina is inside your body a point that most people seem not to understand. The outside parts of a woman are called a vulva. I can't believe so many women don't even know what their parts are called!!!

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  42. That was great! Kudos to you for obliging such a request. Just found your blog and I definitley will be following (not because of the act but because of how funny the description was).

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  43. Hilarious.

    The visual helped.

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  44. You owe me a new monitor for my laptop since I just spewed sweet tea all over it reading this!

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  45. TOday has been a Monday. I'm so glad I read this! HAHAHA!

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  46. omg. i have tears leaking out from laughing. I never know what I'll find when I click on "blogs of note" but if laughter is really as healthy as they say, you just added years, years I say, to my life.

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  47. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! The scary thing is, I've been there, wedged that too. It never looks as cool as you think it will. Props to you, my sistah, for blogging about your vagina (well, vulva if you want to get technical). You rock! :D

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  48. AHHHHHHH HA HA HA HA!!!!

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  49. Lmao. the picture with this is priceless. completed my eventful day.

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  50. ....omg. I LOVE the brutal disgusting honesty I just read. I just found your blog and will be sticking around for more.

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  51. I'll never look at Buckwheat the same again! Hilarious!

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  52. Too funny. Plus I find it hilarious that Buckwheat also has a machete!!!

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  53. OMG, I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my LIFE!!! Not even when I read one of your others last week that had me laughing until no sound was coming out and I had tears pouring down my face....YOU ARE AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please, PLEASE don't ever give up blogging....my life would be a dark, humorless, and miserable place without your wonderful blogs!! =)

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  54. hahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahaha (breath) hahahahahahhahahahahahhahahaaa....

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  55. LMFAO. That was great. I found your blog through Chuck @ Apocalypse Now. I am gonna follow you now.

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  56. Seriously one of my most favorite posts EVER! IT NEVER GETS OLD. Bahahahahahaaaaaaa

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