"What is a down?" (I cannot understand this to save my life; you might say I have—wait for it—Down Syndrome.)
"Wait, how many quarters are there?" (I am also, apparently, legitimately dumb.)
"Where is Kim Kardashian?" (I need at least one quasi-celebrity in the stands to serve as my pop culture North Star; otherwise I'm lost.)
"If Peyton Manning is from New Orleans, shouldn't he be rooting for the Saints?" (Also, what is up with that weird Oreo ad with him and Eli licking cream filling in front of Donald Trump and Darrel Hammond?)
(Inspired by the Colts' logo) "Why do horses wear shoes?"
"Is that line showing where the first down is really drawn on the field?" (I think Jeff confiscated my wine at this point.)
"Why does Monster.com use fiddling beavers in its ad? Is that sexist?" (Mine doesn't even play the kazoo. It must be slow.)
(Upon seeing Dan Marino) "Is that the guy from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective?"
I don't think I'm getting invited back next year.