Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Pimp My Mascot

Today my friend Meghan sent me a link to a story about how her alma mater, Ole Miss, is pretty close to establishing Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars as its new mascot. This is A) totally awesome and B) got me thinking about my history with mascots.

It should not surprise any of you that I went to a high school represented by a monkey dressed as a pimp.

Well, that’s not really true. The real mascot was a Trojan warrior dude’s disembodied head. Lame! Also, having a Trojan as a high school mascot is basically like having a nipple as the mascot; we may not have known much about Trojans, but the mere allusion to sex was enough to send us into breathless adolescent hysterics. (Special belated apologies go out to my gym teacher, Mr. Hyman. Our anatomical education was your downfall.)

Anyway, since the Trojan was both lame and latex-y, at some point my high school started a tradition in which each graduating class got to choose its own mascot, which was generally a pun on some piece of pop culture. Previous classes had chosen Karate Squid, Codfather, Fight Cub, Quantum Sheep, Pinball Lizard, Habeas Porpoise (oh, yes, we were nerds), and Apocalypse Cow. Although my school was a magnet school full of freaks and geeks, my class had a reputation as a giant pain in the ass, the kinds of kids who smoked pot on the high school grounds and had unchaperoned make-out parties when we weren’t busy studying the Byzantine Empire, so naturally we had to be a little bit bad. We chose as our mascot “Chimp Daddy*.”

"Bulldogs is bitches, yo."

This was a pun on “Pimp Daddy,” but lucky for us our teachers and advisors didn’t make the connection and approved the choice. A few months later, we all received little stuffed chimp dolls wearing sunglasses and gold chains. During a pep rally in the gym (we didn’t have many pep rallies, as we had no football team) we performed a song set to the lyrics of Heavy D’s remix of “Big Daddy.” Some choice lines:

Drivin’ in your Caddy, you can be my chimp daddy
Take it slowly... monkey, hold me

He’s the flyest monkey from the north to the south
Everybody knows he’s a bad—shut yo mouth!**

**This means MOTHERFUCKER.

Needless to say, when I arrived at Wesleyan the next year and found out we had the gayest mascot ever, a cardinal, I got nostalgic for the good old days of singing about chimpanzees who carry canes and lord over prostitutes.

*I still mourn the loss of runner-up contender Lambo. A lamb with a bandana and an M60 would have been so precious.


  1. lol! memories like that are priceless and I just love how you tell them daily smiles!

  2. I so like your Chimp Daddy....I want one just like

  3. I'm so jealous - I was also a Trojan for a while, then a Warrior. And I have no idea if my law school had a mascot. If it did, there's no chance it could compare to Chimp Daddy. Phenomenal.

  4. Is that a Swisher Sweet in his mouth or a blunt? Either way= awesomeness.

    I grew up in Columbia, SC - the land where every male has Go Cocks! emblazoned on their hats.

  5. I think I owe that chimp some money...

    I got stuck with a boring Braves mascot for both HS and University. They've had to tone that down in recent years though as portraying a native American in full ceremonial garb is offensive. Or maybe it's that the mascot is being used for a crappy HS and crappy college...not sure.

  6. Oooh. Chimp Daddy deserves it's own music video on YouTube, to the rally song. His public demands it.

  7. A trojan and a Hyman, too much and I agree Lambbo would have been very sweet.

  8. Anonymous5:15 PM

    Lame? My college mascot: a beaver.
    The women's sports teams, then, OH YES THEY ARE, the Lady Beavers. They win half their games every season because their opponents are exhausted and oxygen deprived from laughing so hard.
    Some things never stop being snicker-worthy, even after Jr. High.

  9. Sooooo off topic...

    I love Bill Haverchuck(Freaks and Geeks). Virtually spoke to the actor who played him and now want to have his lanky, half me-half him, horribly sighted children.

    Back on topic: What goofy ass school allowed a chimp to be your mascot?

    Magnet school or "Special" school?

    Was it Townsend Harris? They were goofy.

  10. I'll see your pimp chimp and raise you a little person: my high school's mascot was a midget, and it still is. Seriously.

    Legend has it that back in the day, the guys on the basketball team were all very short, but they were excellent basketball players. They beat every team they'd play, even the ones who towered over them, hence the name The Mighty Midgets.

    Luckily, since the school is located in the middle of nowhere and there are no actual little people within a 200 mile radius, they have flown under the LPA (Little People of America)'s radar.

  11. You are a very pleasant mix of talent and crazy...

  12. I love it! Chimp Daddy...I could only hope to have such a mascot...I might suggest it to this boring office, that we make a chimp pimp be our mascot.

  13. We were the Chiefs and Chiefettes...which got painted on our travelling bus (that we rode on to all our athletic events) as, and I quote "Cheif and Chiefettes"

    Misspelling your mascot AND de-pluralizing is not the way to strike fear into the hearts of your foes. We were often referred to as the "Thiefs" which A) was grammatically disgusting B) made the people saying it sound like they had a speech impediment and C) was oddly appropriate for numerous reasons.

    Chimp Daddy could have kicked Cheif's ass.

  14. I too was a Trojan for four years of high school. I had just moved to Indiana from South Carolina, and once I told all of my SC friends about this, well, I'm sure you could imagine how many condoms were sent to me in the mail..

  15. Anonymous8:18 PM

    Fabulous mascot stuff! No offense to Chimp Daddy, but I would give anything to see LAMBO! I might have to draw him myself.

  16. Pffffffff come on now, Someone with your imagination surely could have talked that latter student body into Cardinal Schwarzenegger.

  17. I actually played our mascot in High School - we were the Wolverines (look it up - I grew up in Wyoming). I was Wally Wolverine during football season - it was a blast to be in a head-to-toe red fur costume - made me feel invisible and I was a crazy woman! Nearly got expelled for dancing with the cross-county rival's Tiger during half-time and bothering the marching band.

    Sigh. Those were the days.

    P.S. best wordverif ever - knizzl

  18. Our mascot was a totem pole and we voted our class drunk winner of the Elvis Presley Clean Living Award.

  19. From the moment I found your blog I vowed to become your overly familiar super fan (which is, sadly, my thing)and feel it's my duty as said superfan from above, to tell you how much I LOVE your sense of humour and writing.

    If you were ever at the supermarket and bumped into me (because I'm there, like, a lot) I would TOTALLY discover you.

    I have street cred in the chip and dip aisle...

  20. am in i was blue..but now am all are one hilarious person...LOL
    OH...BTW..that chimp daddy is my new screen saver!!
    keep em coming

  21. Glad Alabama had the common sense to make a mascot everyone could gather around! Oh well, MS is the 50th state when it comes to education (and fattys, lol)!

  22. Your blog is very funny to read but also very difficult to read with the lovely background! Might you please consider the oldies such as myself and help us???

  23. I'm-a throw my pimp hat into the ring for gayest high school mascot: a clipper ship. That's about as terrifying as a crooked ascot at a reggata.

    Things did get slightly better in university though: Bison, the stoner hippie of the bovine world.

  24. Thanks for brightening my day! I love your wit and writing style. Did you go to school in Eureka (SyFy show, not town)? I could look back at my high school days with anything but horror.
    Peace & love always,

  25. Ok, that is just friggin' awesome!! I love it! Glad I found your blog. :)

  26. i find the astericks precious

    just precious

  27. About to reply to all of you but first: @Mermaid of Moorgate:

    There should be a white bar that runs down the center of the screen. If you are just seeing the background it means the page is slow to load. Wait a few minutes and it should be legible. If that doesn't work for some reason you can always read it through my RSS feed instead:


    That should always be readable. Sorry you're having problems!

  28. Not sure what happened to my chimpdaddy doll, but I still have the t-shirt. And I thought we were the hawks? At least, that's what was on the swim team speedos. Purple speedos with a big gold hawk plastered across the butt. Go Hunter!


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...