It should not surprise any of you that I went to a high school represented by a monkey dressed as a pimp.
Well, that’s not really true. The real mascot was a Trojan warrior dude’s disembodied head. Lame! Also, having a Trojan as a high school mascot is basically like having a nipple as the mascot; we may not have known much about Trojans, but the mere allusion to sex was enough to send us into breathless adolescent hysterics. (Special belated apologies go out to my gym teacher, Mr. Hyman. Our anatomical education was your downfall.)
Anyway, since the Trojan was both lame and latex-y, at some point my high school started a tradition in which each graduating class got to choose its own mascot, which was generally a pun on some piece of pop culture. Previous classes had chosen Karate Squid, Codfather, Fight Cub, Quantum Sheep, Pinball Lizard, Habeas Porpoise (oh, yes, we were nerds), and Apocalypse Cow. Although my school was a magnet school full of freaks and geeks, my class had a reputation as a giant pain in the ass, the kinds of kids who smoked pot on the high school grounds and had unchaperoned make-out parties when we weren’t busy studying the Byzantine Empire, so naturally we had to be a little bit bad. We chose as our mascot “Chimp Daddy*.”
"Bulldogs is bitches, yo."
This was a pun on “Pimp Daddy,” but lucky for us our teachers and advisors didn’t make the connection and approved the choice. A few months later, we all received little stuffed chimp dolls wearing sunglasses and gold chains. During a pep rally in the gym (we didn’t have many pep rallies, as we had no football team) we performed a song set to the lyrics of Heavy D’s remix of “Big Daddy.” Some choice lines:
Drivin’ in your Caddy, you can be my chimp daddy
Take it slowly... monkey, hold me
He’s the flyest monkey from the north to the south
Everybody knows he’s a bad—shut yo mouth!**
**This means MOTHERFUCKER.
Needless to say, when I arrived at Wesleyan the next year and found out we had the gayest mascot ever, a cardinal, I got nostalgic for the good old days of singing about chimpanzees who carry canes and lord over prostitutes.
*I still mourn the loss of runner-up contender Lambo. A lamb with a bandana and an M60 would have been so precious.