I think it goes without saying that the only thing better than cozying up in my hopefully forthcoming Pajama Jeans with a season's worth of Breaking Bad and a few dozen boxes of Samoas will be doing it while cozying up to Tom Motherfucking Selleck (little known fact: that's his actual middle name. He is bad-ass).
Rrrrrrowr. They don't call him "Magnum" for nothin'.
YOU CAN TOUCH THE 'STACHE! Man, who'd have thought I'd want to hump a pillow in this battery-operated age? (Note to self: your dad reads this. Simmer.)
But in all seriousness, one of my first crushes was on Tom Selleck in Three Men and a Baby. Even though I was only seven, Tom struck me as trustworthy--between him, Ted Danson and The Gutt, it was pretty obvious that Tom was the only one who would think twice before putting an infant through a rinse cycle. It was he who taught me that a bangin' 'stache = moral fortitude.
Chuck Norris, whose visage graces another one of these magical pillows, also taught me an important lesson. One day while flipping through an old fashion magazine I found an ad for Right Guard deodorant, starring Walker, Texas Ranger himself.
The tagline? "The best defense is not to offend."
Touché, sensei*. Nunchuks are no match for sweet-smelling pits.
The company also sells a Burt Reynolds pillow, but it kind of creeps me out.
Even though he has no hands, I get the impression the black velvet Bandit could cop a feel if you fell asleep on him, and you'd wake up pregnant.
SUPER SUBTLE HINT FOR JEFF: Someone wants the Tom Selleck for her birthday. Someone who most definitely is NOT attracted to objects or Hawaii-based private investigators.
*"Touché, Sensei" would make a GREAT movie. It would be a caper in which a bumbling British detective had to be paired up with a reserved and serious mixed martial arts master to bust an undercover fight club. It should star Mr. Bean and Chow Yun Fat. You are welcome, Hollywood.