Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Pillow Talk With Tom, Chuck and Burt

Now that I've needlessly Internet-bullied a burgeoning blogger, I think I need a time-out... in the form of tactile, mustachioed pillows of rugged 80s hunks, obviously (thanks, Hipstercrite).

I think it goes without saying that the only thing better than cozying up in my hopefully forthcoming Pajama Jeans with a season's worth of Breaking Bad and a few dozen boxes of Samoas will be doing it while cozying up to Tom Motherfucking Selleck (little known fact: that's his actual middle name. He is bad-ass).

Rrrrrrowr. They don't call him "Magnum" for nothin'.

YOU CAN TOUCH THE 'STACHE! Man, who'd have thought I'd want to hump a pillow in this battery-operated age? (Note to self: your dad reads this. Simmer.)

But in all seriousness, one of my first crushes was on Tom Selleck in Three Men and a Baby. Even though I was only seven, Tom struck me as trustworthy--between him, Ted Danson and The Gutt, it was pretty obvious that Tom was the only one who would think twice before putting an infant through a rinse cycle. It was he who taught me that a bangin' 'stache = moral fortitude.

Chuck Norris, whose visage graces another one of these magical pillows, also taught me an important lesson. One day while flipping through an old fashion magazine I found an ad for Right Guard deodorant, starring Walker, Texas Ranger himself.

The tagline? "The best defense is not to offend."

Touché, sensei*. Nunchuks are no match for sweet-smelling pits. 

The company also sells a Burt Reynolds pillow, but it kind of creeps me out.

Even though he has no hands, I get the impression the black velvet Bandit could cop a feel if you fell asleep on him, and you'd wake up pregnant.

SUPER SUBTLE HINT FOR JEFF: Someone wants the Tom Selleck for her birthday. Someone who most definitely is NOT attracted to objects or Hawaii-based private investigators. 

*"Touché, Sensei" would make a GREAT movie. It would be a caper in which a bumbling British detective had to be paired up with a reserved and serious mixed martial arts master to bust an undercover fight club. It should star Mr. Bean and Chow Yun Fat. You are welcome, Hollywood.



  1. You take the pillows, I'll snuggle up to the Samoas...

  2. You might think I'd love 80's guys, my being their age and all, but gimme Gerard Butler, Viggo Mortensen, and Russell Crowe please. On a pillow at least. I wouldn't know what to do if someone actually handed them over to me.

  3. I'm mad for two reasons:
    1. I don't have any Tom or Chuck pillows.
    2. I don't have any friends that have Tom/Chuck pillows and its unlikely I'll get one for Valentine's Day.
    oh. Three.
    3. I am also currently without Pajama Jeans.
    Your blog is fantastic.

  4. I want a Freddie Mercury pillow! Do they make a Freddie? Cause that would be swell!

    Or how about Sam Elliot?

  5. Walker Texas Ranger is on French television every Sunday afternoon at 2pm (W.T.R. in French is truly marvelous) and every Sunday, my Boyfriend falls asleep on the couch watching it. I have to get this pillow for him to cuddle with. Just have to. Thanks for letting me know that it's out there.

  6. I LOVE Tom Selleck! I want to have his babies and stuff.

    He's one of those lucky ones that only gets better with age too...nom nom nom

  7. Seriously, did they draw on Burt's mustache? Breaking Bad is an awesome show by the way.

  8. Interestingly enough...The Black Velvet Bandit had no biological children of his own(that we know of) so I think you are safe.

  9. Are the mustaches not part of the picture? Do they...dare I hope...actually stand out as a fuzzy accoutrementadjacco to these pillows?

  10. I love tom selleks middle name! Best addition to his name EVER!! :) and somoas are soooo delish...i have a feeling that they'll be the death of me eventually. lol

  11. I am wearing a Hawaiian print shirt and Detroit hat in this blogs honor today.

  12. Hey...it's a testosterone pillow orgy! Count me in Sassy! (And I thought Valentine's Day 2010 was going to be a total bender).

  13. I agree that Tom Selleck is the clear winner in the 80's heartthrob with a 'stache race. He had me at Three Men and a Baby too! I remember he was a jogger in that one--with those tiny silky shorts and his chest hair peeking out of the top of his tank top. Whew! Still gets me!

    Good luck with the not so subtle "hint" to your husband--hopefully he's better at gift-giving than mine is. Last Christmas, I actually e-mailed him links of TWO necklaces I wanted off of Etsy--VERY affordable ones, I might add--but neither showed up under the tree on Christmas day. Hence the new blog, "Stuff Men Should Know About Women". Want to know something REALLY sad? He freakin' READS my new blog and he STILL doesn't get the hints! Men. :(

  14. I'm pretty sure if I woke up and had one of these pillows in bed with me I'd probably shoot it.

  15. these are the other mustached pillows i'd like to see:
    -frank zappa
    -freddie mercury
    -john oates
    -sam elliott

    hopefully between you and i promoting this company, maybe the maker will give us some free selleck pillows??

    thanks for the shout out.

  16. life size kermit the frog OR glowworm pillow for me... did u know they make them sing these days not just glow?!?

  17. Admittedly, Tom Selleck is lookin' fresh in his, but When I saw that Chuck Norris's pillow was a mustache and not a beard, I was saddened :(

    Also, be sure to give us an update on pajama jeans, so we know how others react to them out in the real world lol

    sidenote: my word verification word is "hotbut." teehee.

  18. OH, My. I found you through Hipstercrite's blogroll.

    I'm laughing my ass off. just what I needed!

  19. Hahaha, you guys are awesome. And the Freddie Mercury pillow must happen. We'll start a write-in campaign.


    @Julie: Yes, the 'staches are tactile and fuzzy! Like Pat the Bunny but for dirty old ladies like us.

    @soft nonsense: I LOVE that "hotbut" was your word. I want that to be my new nickname. Hotbut LaMarche.

  20. Anonymous6:41 PM

    LMAO ...that is soo true about Tom Selleck.

  21. I did thoroughly hope that you'd enjoy it as much as I did. And, let's face it, who wouldn't want that as their nickname?

    (it's wosorn this time. I'm kind of disappointed.)

  22. They actually make these? Haha! :P

  23. Anonymous9:01 PM

    Did Erik Estrada have a mustache? He seems like he fits with your faves...

  24. Hilarious! I'm a baby boomer and still have a crush on Tom Selleck after all these years! And still love staches!


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