Thursday, February 4, 2010

Pajama Jeans: There Is a God

I'm not exactly BFF with God. I mean, I'm not a Satanist or anything but I was raised celebrating Easter mostly for the Cadbury mini-eggs (I also once made a blasphemous Jesus dessert out of Sara Lee pound cake), and even though I'm a quarter Jewish my family usually forgot to light the menorah about five nights out of the total eight (my sister and I were, as I recall, too busy stuffing our faces with chocolate Hannukah gelt and learning the words to decidely secular holiday songs about bi-lingual horned mammals who helped Santa make authentic guacamole). I take His name in vain all the time, and I usually give him the middle name "Fucking." Signs generally point to me not being God's fave.

But if He made these, then I know He loves me.
My only issue is that their judgy slogan suggests it's not normal that I already live in my pajamas and sleep in my jeans. But it would be so awesome to go to the bodega for toilet paper without having the surly register man be able to read on my pants that "It's All About Me." Similarly I'd love to be able to sleep in my jeans without waking to find that they'd loosened to M.C. Hammer proportions, making me instantly appear 15 lbs heavier.

Anyway, here’s my master plan: You guys all click on this link as many times as you can, and the Pajama Jeans web dudes (who in my mind look just like Bill S. Preston and Ted Theodore Logan) check their referrals and are like, “Whoa! Look at all the traffic we’re getting from this site. We are... Wyld Stallyns!!!” And then after they jam for awhile they come here and see this post and are like, “We need to send this girl some pajama jeans, pronto!”

And if they don’t immediately think that, then maybe they will after they read this list of other sure-fire moneymakers I just came up with:

Sweatpants evening gown (“Sweatpants you drink champagne in, a black tie gown you watch Sixteen and Pregnant in.”)

Cheez-It belt (“Cheez-Its you wear, a belt you can eat!”)

Spanx boots, aka “Spankles” (“Spanx for your cankles, boots that you can't get off no matter how hard you try!”)

Goose down flak jacket (“Armor you can cuddle, shrapnel you can feel.”)

Seriously, though I NEED PAJAMA JEANS. And I am trademarking "Spankles" right after I post this, because that is a gold mine right there.

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51 comments :

  1. Oh, I love you! Thank goodness for Blogs of Note!

    Now to find myself some pajama jeans to lounge in while I catch up on the archives....

    You rock!

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  2. I'm genuinely jealous of your flair for comedy!!

    I'm having second thoughts about following...I'm THAT jealous...

    I have no self control...I'll never stop following

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  3. "And if you order now, you get this 100% brushed cotton teeshirt absolutely free. This is an entire outfit!"

    I'll take seven sets of pajama jeans with complimentary grey teeshirts, please.

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  4. Oh Em Gee. I am spreading the word.

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  5. I don't have cankles, but I would totally buy your spankles just for how cool they sound. Also, I would like to place an order for two cases of Cheez-It belts. :)

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  6. So are they pajamas made out of jeans material or pajamas that look like jeans? AHHHHH I'm confused, nooooooo!

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  7. I am so going to run right out and get a sweat-pants evening gown. I hope my hot date wears a terry-cloth tuxedo!

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  8. I knew my pajamas were missing something: steel rivets that cut the crap out of my hips while I sleep.

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  9. For serious. I think you should absolutely get the Sweat Evening Gown or even Little Black Sweat Dress patented. Sort of like Snuggies competitor, The Slanket.

    I saw these fancy Pajama Jeans the other day (a friend is getting them for his wife -- LUCKY!) and wrote a post on them. But I was really waiting for your position. As usual, you've made me choke on my iced tea.

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  10. Anonymous5:37 PM

    please make cheez-it belt happen!

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  11. I love you. period.

    my friends are already tired of my constant references to you as I make my way through your archives... well, get used to it, Suckas, 'cause she ain't gettin' any LESS awesome with each post! um, no pressure...

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  12. I think your a riot- I love the first paragraph on this unsaintleness of yours. I think we are all guilty of using gods name in vain -
    hilarious

    barb

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  13. I finally figured out what to wear with my new pink cardy Uggs, which are both boots and, let's face it, bedroom slippers!

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  14. Wow, two of my favorite things. Jeans and sleeping! Now if I could just find something that combines twinkies and sleeping my life would be PERFECT!

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  15. i cannot believe these exist... i almost teared up when i saw the video. it's just so brilliant.

    as i do not normally spend $40 on ACTUAL jeans, i'm reticent to purchase these just yet (especially since doing so breaks your [your sister's?] cardinal rule of never buying pants online). if you manage to acquire a pair, PLEASE let us know if they truly are all they appear to be.

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  16. I love coming across smart, funny women who know how to write. You fit that category, beautifully. Thanks ever so much. What a fun read.

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  17. I'm still waiting for the LLBean flannel sleep-overalls.

    A self sustaing pant / snuggly sleeping bag combo that can't be beat. Talk about going from day to evening in a cinch!

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  18. Just wondering if it would be the 'Big' Cheez-It's? At least you could better see the correlation with your increasing waistline as you eat.

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  19. Spankles!! I almost spit out my chardonnay... You should write for Saturday Night Live. Period.

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  20. These are awesome!!!

    I was unemployed for 2 months and most days I wouldnt get out of my pajamas (in my world, its my husbands pajamas that are 2 times my size). So my husband got very tired of seeing me with dirty hair and in his pajamas that are really baggy.

    At least I could be lazy AND look fantastic. If only they would make me skinnier...

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  21. "Even brass rivets, so they look like they were made by some ~European designer~!" hahaha omg I am cracking up over that line on their site's video

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  22. I almost pushed the button to order a pair....self restraint!!!

    Thanks for your blog...very funny.

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  23. Just checked out your blog from Blogs of Note - you are definitely worth following!

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  24. Oh my god, I love! I live in pajamas. I love them more than jeans and I really love my jeans, but going to college in purple pajamas with little kitties, paw prints, and speech bubbles with "meow" seems a little silly. Just a little... They also don't go with anything I own...

    Now I can get 'jama jeans and have the comfort of pajamas, the look of jeans, and be viewed as sane all at once!

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  25. I swear, you must even dream funny! After the lovely morning routine of getting my girls ready for school (somewhat akin cramming 17 hysterical squirrels into a small bag), reading your blog is just what I need. Some are dragged unwillingly in their robes to Dunkin Donuts for coffee, some crawl back to bed, some of the nuttier moms even immediately shower and don their shiny mom-on-the-move garb. I pour myself a delicious instant breakfast and sit down with my friend, The Sassy Curmudgeon. :) Thanks for the morning cheer!

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  26. I just met you, but I love you. Let me have your unibrowed babies.

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  27. I'm no psychic, but I foresee a lucrative QVC or slightly less fabulous HSN line in your future.

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  28. I got some PJ-type lounge pants for Christmas that are made up to look like jeans. They're very confortable, but they aren't very warm to wear outside. Plus, when people figure out what they are, they laugh.

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  29. i'm actually dying of laughter.

    Have you heard of the burkini? burka/bikini - not making this up, google it

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  30. My question is: do they come in black?

    I wondered if they were available in stores, but then it occured to me that the targeted customer (which admittedly includes um, me), can't even be bothered to get dressed, much less venture out to the "as seen on tv" aisle at Walgreens.
    I think they should also be made in acid wash for the nocturnal bar-hopping ladies so they can just 'fall into bed' after a long night of jello shooters and pool.

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  31. I love your blog and the PR updates on Huffington Post.

    While I can appreciate the idea behind the Pajama Jeans concept, I think it is inherently flawed as wearing jeans doesn't really make one that much more "put together" than pajamas, sweats, yoga pants, et al. I think your Sweatpants Evening Gown idea is far superior and the manufacturers would be smart to steal that from you. (The great thing about the Sweatpants Evening Gown is that it can be worn with Stiletto Trainers--run in your five inch heels, teeter atop your sneakers--and then, a person can literally go from running a marathon to a black tie event without ever changing clothes.)

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  32. Like ur Blog....^^

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  33. Like ur Blog....^^

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  34. Oh my, this is hilarious!!! I need Pajama jeans. I love to be cute, but comfort always rules first. Maybe that is why I am painter/artist by trade and think walking around in my painting overalls is completely acceptable. Funny, my kids don't agree, esp. when I show up at their school like this!

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  35. Really interestng. Congrats fot the excellent blog.

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  36. Freaking Hilarious....

    by the way...love the uni-brow!

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  37. this might be the funniest thing I've read all year.

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  38. You guys are so awesome. I promised I would try to respond individually, so here goes:

    Shazta: I love you too! Is that weird?

    Sproglet: Do not be jealous. GO look at the passport photo I took today and just be glad you do not look like that. Thanks for following!

    Colleen: I know...Those tee shirts sure do sweeten the deal!

    Laurnie: Spread the word, sister! Everyone should know about these.

    Miz Dinah: Sadly I have already eaten all of the Cheez-Its. Therein lies the fatal flaw of the Cheez-It belt.

    Richard: Yeah, I don't know. But I still want them!

    It's All Good: Yes! We must all have them!

    Jill: Nice!

    Brian: Shhhh. I can't hear you.

    Shelly: I want to read your post!

    Anonymous: As I mentioned, I got a little excited and ate them all.

    Lily Ruth's Mama: Aw, shucks, I'm blushing.

    Fiber Art Barb: Thanks! I'm glad you all are unsaintly too. :)

    Blissed-Out Grandma: Yeah, Uggs are the best. Giant slippers appropriate for day wear!

    *Katie*: Mmmmm. We'd probably crush them while we slept, though, and wake up in a mound of sponge cake.

    Lisa: Yeah, they are pretty expensive. If I do get to try them I'll let you know if they're worth it.

    Teresa: Thank you so much! I love having such sweet, funny, lovely commenters!

    Inxaviary: OMG. WANT.

    MER: For sure the big Cheez-Its would work better. You and I should work on some blueprints.

    Meredith: Thank you! (Although sorry for wasting some of your wine). I'll let you know if Lorne calls.

    Carly: I believe that the Pajama Jeans are magical AND slimming.

    Summer: I know, the video is hilarious.

    ChattyCathy: Restraint indeed. And thank you!

    Eccentric_Lady: Aw, thanks for the follow!

    Mdgirl: I know. They are so awesome (in theory... it remains to be seen if they are actually awesome.)

    Anonymous: Thanks!

    Verbenabeth: Aw, I am honored to be your breakfast companion. Thank you!

    Lori: Deal. I'm sure Jeff will be OK with it. XOXO

    Surprisingly Bright: In my dreams!

    Craig: Hmmm. I'm still going to keep hope alive for these.

    Bubble wrap: Burkini? OMG. Must Google.

    LIJ: Oh, acid wash. Oh, yes.

    alimum: Thank you for your support of both my writing AND the sweatpants gown!

    Zacky: Why thank you!

    Good Time Charlie: I bet your painter overalls are awesome. But yes, we all need pajama jeans.

    Plamen: Thanks!

    Pat: To love my unibrow is to love me. Thank you!

    Hollie: It's only February. But I'll take being the funniest thing you've read in 37 days. Hell yeah!

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  39. Anonymous6:24 PM

    PAJAMA JEANS!
    Total must. ;)
    .x.

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  40. ...and here I thought God loved the world when he gave us beer...obviously I was wrong! Pajama jeans = salvation for mankind. The Sassy Curmudgeon= prophet of the people. Thank you for this post!

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  41. you had me at the bill and ted reference.

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  42. I love this post for many reasons, not the least of which is that I sometimes sleep in my jeans as well, with several pairs of sweatpants resting on top of the covers. Ok, not sometimes. Often. Your blog is fantastic. (Also, have you seen the commercial for the Extendo-button? I had a long conversation about it yesterday.)

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  43. you have no idea how badly I want those jeans. At the exact moment that I was reading this I was thinking my jeans are so uncomfortable!

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  44. hysterical. spankles. I laughed out loud...thanks.

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  45. I want the Cheez-It belt!!! And really... who DOESN'T want to watch Sixteen & Pregnant in an evening gown made of SWEATPANTS. It's my life dream.

    In other news, I JUST got a pair of verrry similar pants. Not kidding you. I was up in Northern Michigan and freezing my ass off. We were at Wal-Mart and I needed to be warm more than fashionable. Along came a black pair of Sweatpant Jeans designed by none other than Miley Cyrus. For $11 they were mine and I didn't take them off for three days. I highly suggest them.

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  46. Did I already write "oh GOD you're funny" somewhere? Pretty sure I did.

    God and I think you're funny. He's not too keen on His middle name, however. Pretty sure.

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  47. I am almost 60 years old and I have made my peace about saying "Jesus fucking Christ" and I am a Christian (well not that born again, evangelical kind that worries about the goodness of a person being somehow related to language used). It's how I pray, with lots and lots of cuss words. Besides you love Girl Scout cookies, you can't go wrong. Seriously, I enjoy your writing....you are so talented.

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