Sunday, February 21, 2010

Lucky 7 (Or, The Nipples of My Soul)

I am having a lazy Sunday, y'all. Jeff woke me up at 11:30 and took unflattering photos of me with puffy sleep eyes and sheet wrinkles on my face. He made it up to me by buying me coffee and I caught up on magazine reading. We took a walk to DSW and bought Jeff some sneakers with arch support; while I stood in line, a burly biker guy asked my opinion on heel inserts. We came home and I made a tuna sandwich. Riveting stuff. And that's all you'd have to read about today, too, if reader and fellow blogger Blissed-Out Grandma hadn't saved my ass by giving me an award.


Take that, Meghan. I am beautiful! Just like my Donkey Kong sculpture!

The award she has bestowed upon me is the Beautiful Blogger award, which I have obviously received for my bangin' bod, enviable bone structure, and brow shaping skills. (Or, maybe for my personality, which would totally look like Salma Hayek if it came to life. I am giving my personality giant boobs because I feel like my soul is busty, even if my physical body is not. That's weird, though, to think of my soul having nipples. Do souls have nipples? Wow, I am getting super existential here and am blowing my own mind. Moving on.)

So the Beautiful Blogger award dictates that you have to tell your readers seven interesting things about yourself. Then you have to pass it on to other people. It's like a blog chain letter, but like I said, be glad you're reading about this and not the differences between various types of Dr. Scholl's inserts.

MY SEVEN DEADLY SINS INTERESTING FACTS
by Sassy

1. I AM A KARAOKE HUSTLER
Take me out for karaoke and I will be all, "No, I can't sing in front of other people." or "God, I will have to get SO DRUNK to sing." Then I'll let you convince me to do just one song and I will act all embarrassed when they call my name and I'll roll my eyes and bop awkwardly to the intro music but then I will bust out with some Bonnie Tyler like I am auditioning for American Idol. It is obnoxious but uncontrollable. Don't ever let me sing a duet with you, either. I will try to sing all of your parts and pretend like I don't know they're yours. I might also try to push you offstage under the guise of a dance move gone awry.

It looks like Jeff is lovingly nuzzling me but in fact I am just reverse head-butting him so he won't ruin my solo.

2. I AM KIND OF OBSESSED WITH DUCKIE FROM PRETTY IN PINK
This started when I was in high school, probably because I identified with the witty, fashion-challenged, lovelorn geek that was Duckie Dale. It might also have been because I spent the entirety of high school (and most of college) being unwittingly attracted to gay men. I'm not saying Duckie is definitely gay, but if John Hughes had ever written Pretty in Pink 2 I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be referring to Andie. Hey-o! Anyway, you'll notice that the URL of my blog is an homage to one of Duckie's quotes in the movie ("That is a really volcanic ensemble you're wearing, it is really marvelous!"). I often ask myself WWDDD? ("What Would Duckie Dale Do?") The answer is usually "storm off dramatically," "fight with Andrew Dice Clay," "impromptu dance performance to Otis Redding's 'Try a Little Tenderness'" or  "try to make out with Annie Potts." As you might imagine, this has gotten me in trouble many a time.

It's like Pee-Wee Herman joined Oingo Boingo. Swoon!

3. I INVENTED AN AWESOME GAME CALLED "LOOK IN BUTT"
I used to play it with my best friend Salvador when we were toddlers. It was doctor, essentially—or proctologist, more accurately—as we had no interest in heartbeats or hearing tests, instead choosing to focus solely on the anus. One of us would bend over and the other one would conduct the examination. What we were looking for, I can’t say—stray He-Man figures? Lost crayons?—but we took our work seriously. For years afterward I assumed that Look in Butt was consensual—the only thing that tempered the humiliation of its existence was Sal's complicity—but my father finally told me that he'd overheard us once. Sal was playing the patient at the time, and as he removed his underwear he said to me, “Una... this is wrong."

[You don't want an illustration for this one, trust.]


4. I INADVERTENTLY MAKE THE SONG "AFTERNOON DELIGHT" ABOUT PROSTITUTION
By misremembering the lyrics as "Gonna find me a woman, gonna hold her tight, gonna BUY me some afternoon delight." Sorry, Starland Vocal Band.


Ohhhhh, afternoon delight!

5. I WORK OUT WITH PLAYBOY BUNNIES
Once upon a time, I belonged to a gym. Actually, technically it's thrice upon a time, since I managed to join and quit three different gyms on three separate occasions. I do not like going to the gym—I don't like waiting for machines or being self-conscious about my ratty gym clothes or attempting to shower behind a tissue-thin curtain that does not go all the way to the wall on either side—but I am vain and also lazy and so for a long time I figured a gym membership was a necessary evil if I wanted to keep fit. My first gym, right out of college, turned out to be too expensive to afford on my non-existent salary. The next one was cheap but too far from home, so I never went. Then I got a job that came with a free gym membership. And it all would have worked out beautifully if it wasn't for Clive, a sexy personal trainer who approached me on my first day and coerced me into spending $1200 on a dozen sessions (by coerced, of course, I mean "asked me if I wanted to," as I am incapable of saying no to anyone, ever. Especially if they look like a black John Krasinski). I charged the sessions on a credit card and stocked up on ramen noodles for the coming famine. If I'm honest with myself I have to admit that during those three months, I loved the gym. I looked forward to my workout each week, especially the stretching part when Clive would lean on me and push my legs back over my head. When my sessions ran out Clive assumed I would sign up for more, but I couldn't tell him that I was broke, so I quit the gym to avoid him. He called me once to try to change my mind and I lied and said I'd lost my job.

Since I can no longer show my face at any gyms in the metropolitan New York area, over the years I have amassed a small library of fitness DVDs. Jeff calls the stash my "porn," which is inaccurate—if they actually were porn I would watch them way more often. As it is I only use a few—the ones that require the least effort on my part. It's telling that my favorite video is The Girls Next Door Workout, which stars three of Hugh Hefner's Playboy bunny girlfriends. The ladies' buoyant chests and tight outfits prevent them (and, by extension, me) from doing anything too strenuous, and their shining, Barbie-blond pigtails and bright smiles lull me into a trance so deep that I barely realize I'm moving.

Do not judge me.


6. I SLEPT WITH MY HUSBAND ON THE FIRST DATE
Eat that, The Rules! Also, sorry Mom and Dad.


He bought the cow anyway.

7. SHIT, I CAN'T THINK OF A SEVENTH THING, EVEN THOUGH I CONSTANTLY OVERSHARE ON THE INTERNET. I JUST KEEP THINKING OF THE LYRICS TO SEVEN BY PRINCE. ALL SEVEN AND WE'LL WATCH THEM FALL...STAND IN THE WAY OF LOVE AND WE WILL SMOKE THEM ALL... WITH AN INTELLECT AND A SAVOIR-FAIRE... NO ONE IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE COULD EVER COMPARE... 

Prince is playing "Look in Butt" with these flowers. 

Okay, now to pass on this award. But first, a brief musical interlude:

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.


There are so many wonderful bloggers out there that I will make up my own awards someday soon. But in the meantime I would like to shout out to a few people whose souls I suspect are pretty busty:

Meghan (not the deaf bitch from first grade) at Blackberries to Apples
Kari at My Inflammatory Writ
Annie at [clever title]
Blue Girl at Blue Girl in a Red Blue State
Susanna at Malibu Mama

Thanks for indulging me this afternoon, guys. And seriously, wear inserts. Arch support is crucial.
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41 comments :

  1. I had the biggest crush on Duckie and I wanted Blaine to die. Then again, I thought Duckie deserved better than Molly Ringwald.

    Then again, I always loved John Cryer. One of my favorite movies in high school was "Hiding Out" and no one I know remembers it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Look In My Butt.

    You're officially my idol, I think I'm a little bit in love.

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  3. My stars and garters... what I wouldn't give to be busty, soul or otherwise! I'd contemplate the nipply possibilities further but you've blown my brain out of the back of my head.

    My wall thanks you for the mess.

    ReplyDelete
  4. omg. i'm so honored, i got a little teary. also, i'm a nerd.
    THANKS, GIRL!!

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  5. Loved this post! Congratulations on your award.

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  6. Clearly I'm not well-versed in "Pretty in Pink"- I'm more of a Sixteen Candles girl myself- so I thought the url was volcan ice ensemble, which sounded sort of sci-fi/fantasy, like something Spock winterwear. Volcanic ensemble makes a lot more sense, and doesn't require that extra e.

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  7. Love the list.Boy, oh boy do i love me some Prince.

    Tiffany
    http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com/

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  8. "6. I SLEPT WITH MY HUSBAND ON THE FIRST DATE
    Eat that, The Rules!"

    Thank you for this. My therapist insists that I am still single because I actively don't follow any "Rules." You've reassured me that I'm the one who's right and the reason that I'm still single is because there are just no men out there who can handle me.

    Also, I will battle you to the death in a Karaoke Kage Match. :)

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  9. Hey, glad to brighten your day. And thanks for explaining the origin of your URL!

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  10. annnd hands down, this made my day.

    I can relate to you on at least four levels after reading this entry.
    Girl, busty souls gotta stick together. Team BS.

    -Kimberly

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  11. Just what Meghan needs, more ego inflating! Oh wait. :(

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  12. Anonymous7:32 PM

    ok, so there actually IS a workout dvd starring real porn stars. It's called Smooth Moves... they target specific, um, muscle groups. and don't ask how I know this

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  13. I came across your blog because it was a "blog of note" and LOVE it.

    Love that you overshare on the internet, and your careless disregard of The Rules.

    Bwa ha ha ha ha!

    Can't wait to read more.

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  14. My guess is, if Prince isn't actually playing Look in Butt he is dreaming about playing Look in Butt.

    Great Lucky 7!

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  15. Prince is such a beautiful woman.
    I want him to have my...wait.

    You purple suited trickster you.

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  16. I didn't even know it was possible to be a karaoke hustler.

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  17. Well, it must be awards season, because Jerry over at Gently Said presented me with the Sugar Doll award today!

    I only follow him and you, so I didn't award anyone in return, but if I had done so, you would have been at the top of my list.

    It's too bad that I don't live in NYC, because I would very much like to team up with you and do some karaoke hustlin', Duets style.

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  18. I always thought Duckie seemed gay too, but fashion-challenged?! You offend! I'm not even sure he *can* be simultaneously gay and fashion-challenged, in fact. You can't have it both ways, Sassy. But overall a great post nonetheless.

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  19. So, I've very recently discovered your blog. I absolutely adore your sense of humor. It definitely makes me wish I had a bit more wit inside of me!

    I think you should write a book of some sort. The would sell. Thanks for the good reads!

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  20. Awesome. I second your nomination for Beautiful Blogger. http://mizdinah.blogspot.com/2010/02/and-award-goes-to.html
    But since you already have one up, you can recycle this post.

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  21. I really enjoy your witty banter. I find myself reading them to motivate myself in my own writing. Thanks for sharing.

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  22. Oh lord (and by "lord", I mean Sassy), you're hurting me again. Your humour sneaks up on me like a nija - a ninja with super powers - and before I know it, I'm snorting beverages out of my nose and clutching my ribs for dear life.

    Thanks for the laughs.

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  23. This post is one of the reasons why yours is one of the best blogs out there in the internet kingdom! And bonus, for giving "The Rules" the finger and being candid enough to admit it with pride, you are my personal hero of the day/week/month/year/beyond!

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  24. Sitting at my desk juggling the never ending "new message" ding with the unavoidable hurdles of time-zones, reading your blog makes me smile and take that greatly needed deep breathe. Thank you for being so candid and tongue-in-cheek: I heart it, for real! Cheers, B

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  25. Thanks for the shout out, hot stuff!

    <3

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  26. I was gonna give you the award yesterday, too, but someone beat me to it! This posting just exemplifies why!!

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  27. Anonymous10:39 AM

    You remind me of Sarah Silverman. Funny and rude in a great way. Sexy women with this kind of wit are where it is really at.

    btw, LOVE the eyebrows when you were a kid. Im still laughing...

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  28. I would have to say I stumbled upon your blog and was completely entertained. Undeniably one of best blogs I've ever read.

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  29. It's obvious that you have to write this stuff down somewhere to keep your head from exploding! I can't imagine being inside your head for more than 5 minutes! But I love your blog!!!

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  30. EGADS!
    I have a secret love affair for Duckie too!!!
    ***SPOILER ALERT IF UR ONE OF THE 2.5 ppl that HAVENT SEEN PRETTY IN PINK***
    Every time i watch that movie i'm always hoping this time she'll choose the guy pal that stood by, stood up and stood with her the whole time. some sort of secret alternate ending they may have forgotten to announce in leading commercials of the afternoon movie line up.
    but noooooooo chooses rich guy...

    i watch 2 and a half men and cry inwardly "Duckie what happened to uuu?"

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  31. I looooooove Duckie. He can come drink juice boxes in my bedroom anytime.

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  32. Awww! How sweet!

    So does this mean I have to post 7 things about me now? Eek. I don't even know if I can come up with that many.

    Oh, and I have a confession. I always always preferred Steff. But I kind of am obsessed with James Spader so that makes it OK right?

    Aha! 1 of 7.

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  33. Jesus, I can't judge you for working out with bunnies. I worked out with the GD Pussycat Dolls today and blogged about it. Ridiculous.

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  34. your blog is awesome. it's not only fun to read it also helps me improve my vocabulary :)

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  35. oh my goodness I laughed so hard at "look in butt" i think I peed a little.

    a similar reaction to "afternoon delight". Love your blog and secretly wish we were next door neighbors...

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  36. I read this yesterday and I am still laughing at Prince playing "Look in Butt" with the flowers!

    You're hilarious and I love this blog!

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  37. Anonymous4:02 PM

    Well according to Elaine on Seinfeld souls have nipples. In the "The Pick" where her nipple was exposed for a Christmas card, she says something like this: ..it is not I who has been exposed, but you; for I have seen the nipple on your soul...

    Not an exact quote.

    Love your bloggy.

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  38. rdlewis11:42 PM

    Love the Oingo Boingo reference! Every time I mention them, I get blank stares.

    You are my new fav. It used to be Richard Lawson on Gawker, but you are better!

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  39. love the list but the prince thing was a little disturbing

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  40. check my new web out and send comment im very good with advice its called teen drama life look it up holla more to come and i soon start a web show staii tune luv ya

    ReplyDelete

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