Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Injuries [ALMOST] Sustained in the Pursuit of Food, Vol. 2

I was such a good little recessionista this morning. I filled a Tupperware container with pre-made pasta (that I have been eating for six days straight and which I now hate with the burning passion I usually reserve for Rush Limbaugh, but there are starving children pretty much everywhere and also who knew that turkey meatballs would start to taste like tainted Spam after a few days in the fridge?), grabbed a container of pineapple and some cottage cheese (I am like the poster child for good nutrition, obviously) and treated myself to two of my coveted Samoas, which I Saran-wrapped and tossed into a paper shopping bag with the rest of my lunch.

I got to work, put my food in the fridge, tossed the paper shopping bag in the kitchen garbage can, and went about my day. I had the cottage cheese for breakfast. It was kind of gross but I just kept thinking “Osteoporosis!” Which, in restrospect, might have made it taste worse—there’s nothing like visualizing bone density while gumming wet, tasteless curds.

The only better diet trick is looking at this while trying to eat. It works for sex, too.

I had a ton to do, so time flew by and suddenly it was time for lunch. I choked down the pasta while reading online gossip and followed it with the pineapple. I was saving the Samoas for that dreaded 4 pm blood sugar drop, which generally makes me reach for the only food substance I have at my desk: a pack of Orbit melon-mint gum. I know that sounds disgusting, and it is; I got a free shipment of every single flavor last year and melon-mint is the last man standing. I have a daily Jedi mind fight with myself over whether to succumb and chew on a tiny stick that tastes like cantaloupe spiked with Ajax or surrender to lethargy.

Anyway, the point is: As Robert Burns wrote, the best laid schemes cookies of mice and men oft go awry. When I went to get my Samoas I realized that they were not in the fridge. Then I realized that I had no memory of actually putting them in the fridge. Slowly, it dawned on me that they were still in the paper shopping bag, which was now at the bottom of a company-wide trash can. [Picture me screaming this next part in warped slow-motion] Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I ran into the kitchen and was about to leap into the trash can like I was Cary Elwes from The Princess Bride and the garbage was the fire swamp and the cookies were Buttercup (me and cookies = twoo love, people), but then I noticed our HR director sitting at a table nearby reading a book. She looked up and smiled. If it had been anyone else I might have just gone for it, but this is a person whose specific job it is to fire employees who might have mental illnesses that would interfere with their work, the first signs of which could include digging through a communal trash can for food. I got a glass of water while stealing longing glimpses at the garbage. Oh Samoas, I fought so hard to obtain you (well, if you consider “fighting hard” to mean “blogging and hoping people will send you cookies in the mail”)—and this is the thanks you get? Cookie Monster would rip me a new one.

                                 Me, obviously. Unibrows unite!

Sadly I cannot take credit for this amazing Photoshop artwork.

Later on, after HR left, I went back into the kitchen for another try. But as soon as I lifted off the top of the trash can, I knew I had lost my battle already (again, I used the term “battle,” much like “fight,” loosely). I tossed my bag in at 9:30 am; dozens of people’s half-eaten lunches were now standing between me and my tiny package of cookies. If I were to scavenge for them now, it would certainly be a wet and unpleasant journey through a murky sediment of salad greens, pizza grease, and coffee grounds.

So the bad news is, I lost my Samoas today.

On the other hand, the good news is that at least we know I have some boundaries*.

*If the kitchen door had a lock, however, I wouldn’t even be writing this right now. I would be enjoying the crunchy goodness of toasted coconut, caramel and chocolate, while trying to ignore the stench of salad dressing emanating from my suspiciously stained clothes.


  1. MrsSmith6:35 PM

    Look at the bright side- your loss totally and completely justifies buying a whole entire box more of samoas to replace the two you lost! And yet another box to reward yourself for not trash picking in front of HR!

  2. If you used a cloth bag, lunch pail, or some other reusable carrying device you wouldn't have this problem. You must really hate the earth.

  3. Hey, cookies are worth fighting for. Too bad though. At least you're home! Maybe you can get something to eat there.

    (Just remember not to throw them away next time. Lol.)

  4. @Mrs Smith: So true!

    @xdevilutionx: I do not hate the earth. I totally have the option of printing out my daily struggles with trash cans, my rap-based Grammy fashion critiques, and my romper diatribes on a printing press (thus killing many trees) and mailing them (thus killing even more envelope-bearing trees) to every single one of my 1207 followers. Instead I use the paperless Internet. You are welcome.

    @Oddyoddyo13: I have learned my lesson and will now develop a deep-seated fear of throwing away bags of any kind. xdevilutionx will be happy about that.

  5. yep--this was clearly mother earth's way of punishing you for using a paper bag instead of one of those nifty insulated zip and/or velcro ones. once you snag one of those babies, your only cookie worry will be straight-up thievery. (that and the fact that girl scout cookies are unobtainable for 5/6 of the year...)

  6. got to love Girl Scout Cookies!

  7. there is nothing scarier than going to your blogger dashboard and seeing the scary large face of rush limpdick.

    una, you scared me.

    then, you made me laugh. so...totally worth it!

  8. your blog is hilarious! I couldn't stop laughing...

    check out my blog, I'm just getting started!

  9. First of all, samoas are totally worth dumpster diving for. Secondly, it was a paper bag, so it was sort of earth friendly since it will decompose. Thirdly, I got nothing. I just wanted to type thirdly so I sounded like a person with a lot to say.

    Well, I always have a lot to say, I just don't normally do it in a huge comment on someone else's blog. That's stealing the limelight and that's RUDE.

    In fact, the only thing I found revolting (aside from the gum since EW) is the mention of cottage cheese. It makes my nose crinkle in disgust at the mere thought of it.

    As does being shown Rush Limbaugh without warning.

  10. I also would've struggled greatly not to dig for the cookies; Samoas I could bear the loss of (though not easily), Thin Mints, I'd probably be referred to psychiatric counseling if not fired. Do you ration girl scout cookies to make them last longer? While I have no Samoas in real life to send and couldn't without using a tree killing envelope and plastic wrap, I can send eco-friendly imaginary cookies via the internet.

  11. @Christi: Yeah, I know, the Rush image was a low blow. I'm sorry!

    @Lan: My husband eats most of my GS cookies, but I am staggering them. We had 4 boxes, and we have another 10 coming soon...

  12. Anonymous9:15 PM

    Your reference to Samoas jogged my memory that I had hidden several boxes of them in the freezer....thank you SO much!!! Samoa heaven awaits...I might even wait for some of them to thaw!

  13. Mmmmmmm, Girl Scout Cookies!!! Thin Mints are calling my name.


  14. Although I don't eat sugar...I feel your pain! If in fact the door had a lock, I'd have done it AND jammed a chair sainst the door to boot.

    I agree with Mrs. Smith...you deserve a whole new box to help recover from the loss.

    Be well, Ron

  15. Self-control is for quitters. I would have totally gone dumpster diving. :)

  16. This was really funny!

  17. Not really sure what you posted after the Rush picture. He scares me so I rushed to the bottom. I caught your caption though, I won't be hungry for a while.

  18. LoL! @ "recessionista"....Oh Sassy, you just made my day, again!

  19. i literally shuddered at the thought of Rush Limbaugh & sex. Now I'm a little nauseous.

  20. I'm now buying several boxes of Samoas. Thanks for reminding me which Girl Scout Cookies were my favorites. :) And my diet was going so well.

    At least no one stole them...that's what happens at my office. Then you would be forced to fight for them. Probably being fired for fighting at the office. No good could come of that.

  21. It's "best laid plans" actually, not "schemes". Sorry, I had too, I'm such a shitty know-it-all and I don't even try to fight it anymore. ^^

  22. I'm sorry for grossing you all out with Rush. I shudder myself.

    And @Elle Noir: Really? Damn, and I Googled that shit.

  23. Haha, yeah, no, I just googled it as well...you were right, I was wrong,know-it-all-moron says sorry... XD

  24. No worries! I'm just glad Google isn't wrong. Then we'd be fucked.

  25. this is really funny. I especially like your * and the cookie monster pic.

  26. This post made me laugh my ass off! And now karma owes you Samoa credits. That can never be a bad thing.

  27. Mahahahaha! George Costanza!!!

    There is no shame as long as no one sees you. I mean, if you used a fork to unearth the bag and rescued your well-wrapped samosas, what's the harm? :)

    I once received roses at work, and found out after that there were supposed to be chocolates in the box as well. I actually climbed into the dumpster to look. I mean, come on, it's chocolate!

  28. Oh, Samoas as in the Girl Scout cookies! I thought you misspelled Samosas (the Indian pastry). Damn, girl. I feel your loss.

  29. Stupid HR. Depending on the kind of day I'd had, I would've cried in front of her and gotten fired anyway. If you love girl scout cookies though, I have to strongly urge you to try a Tim Tam.

    More importantly, a Tim Tam Slam. Google it. (with your safe search, probably)

    Better than (mediocre) sex.

  30. @Crazy and Sarah: Thanks! I'm so glad my inner power struggles over snack foods can bring joy to others.

    @Miz Dinah: I would dive into the trash for Samoas too...

    @Lori: Googling Tim Tam right now!

  31. Have you tried the Dean's (I think) Special Edition Samoa ice cream? It will change your life.

    Love your blog and your sense of humor! Has become a daily ritual.

  32. I can't believe you don't like the melon mint gum! I love, love, love it and force it on everyone.

  33. MMM I'm still eating the veggie soup from Saturday. My husband's not even helping me anymore...

    gettin alot of suspicious luks considering its 8am in the office.
    nwez...next tym....pull the fire alarm..and have a rummage as the rest of the building evacuates @least HR wont know it was u seeing as she did see you in the kitchen and you dint look like you were a psycho.
    I join you in mourning for the loss of yo love...

  35. A note on a more palatable dairy product, m'lady! I oft find that cottage cheese is only good when I'm in the mood for it. However, Greek yogurt is good all the time! The brand I like best is Chobani. It's got like 14 grams of protein per container and plenty of calcium. Also, it's creamier and tastier than the kind of junk that Dannon and Yoplait are constantly trying to pass off as decent yogurt. I highly recommend it! It comes in little packages of deliciousness in about five flavors (at least, that's all my local grocer stocks): vanilla, strawberry, peach, blueberry, and pomegranate. All of them are delicious and stave off osteoporosis! It's something I've discovered lately and I'm trying really hard to share the wealth! :)


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