Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Boots, Pickles, Justin Bieber: An Exercise in Humility

After yesterday's post I think the subway, as an entity, kind of thinks I'm a big ol' See You Next Tuesday, in the words of Charlotte York.

Why, you ask?

Well, after work I was standing on the uptown C platform, rocking on my heels as a person who very much needs a glass of wine is wont to do, and one of them snapped off.


These boots are from Aerosoles. I bought them in 2006 for $25 on sale and they have served me well, although I can't claim to have reciprocated. Although I am nearly 30, I have yet to enlist a cobbler or tailor to preserve my shoes and clothes; when the hem on a pair of pants gets raggedy I give them to Goodwill or make ill-fitting cut-off shorts, and when a shoe erodes, defeated by my New York power stomping, I toss it in the garbage along with its mate (I feel they need to die together, like a mummified Egyptian prince and all his wordly possessions).

I thought about snapping off the other heel to have a matching pair, but that would have required taking my good boot off (to reveal my rainbow-striped sock) and beating it maniacally against a nearby trash can, thus risking being mistaken for a crazy person... or a Marc Jacobs model.

Luckily, before I could decide what to do a Chinese man started playing a sad song on his flute—it sounded a lot like a requiem for a shoe—and I realized that instead of asking vain questions like "Can I limp all the way back to Brooklyn?" and "What if I run into Chris Noth?" I needed to take a step back and mourn the loss of my pleather boot. Seriously, it was like a shoe funeral. I have at least one witness (I would link to the Chinese flautist but I'm not sure if he blogs.)

I had a totally separate but equally humbling experience on Sunday. Jeff and I had gone to DSW to get him some sneakers and on our way back we stopped at a bodega for a jar of pickles (OUR LIFE IS AWESOME DO NOT BE JEALOUS). As I went to pay for my kosher dills at the cash register, I was confronted with this:

I am a winner, bodega register! You don't know! YOU DON'T KNOW!

I bet that register doesn't know that pickles now have more Facebook fans than Nickelback.* And, by extension, a lot more fans than me, but that's beside the point. 

*It was apparently inspired by a similar Facebook page, "Can This Onion Ring Get More Fans Than Justin Bieber." Speaking of J-Bieb, I could totally be his mom. I could have been fifteen and pregnant with a Canadian pop star who looks like Shiloh Jolie-Pitt in a trucker hat. Which nicely rounds out this exercise in humility.

Now where is my fucking wine?

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38 comments :

  1. Okay, first--I love your blog. I read it religiously and I can't get enough. So thank you. Second, you simply must take those boots to the cobbler in Penn Station. It's hidden behind an escalator, but they're brilliant. I'd wear a blonde wig, though, as there seems to be a blonde discount something in the range of free shoe repair.

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  2. There's also a Facebook page determining whether a poodle wearing a tin foil hat can get more fans than Glenn Beck. I'm a member of that one.

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  3. Girl, if not for cobblers, I wouldn't have any shoes. Get them fixed! My 5 year old Nine West boots are still going strong, three sets of heels and two full resoles later!

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  4. I'm pretty sure that "Requiem for a Shoe" needs to be the title of something. Blog post, movie, song, child - really doesn't matter.

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  5. Holy fuck. Cigarettes are $9.45 a pack?? I think I just had a stroke.

    Kosher pickles rock, as do your boots. I've gorilla glued a pair of mine before and they held up okay for a while.

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  6. That cash register is totally wrong. You are a winner, and your blog is a winner too. I don't care if your elementary school pictures scare me.

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  7. I know the BEST cobbler in P. Slope!! Seriously, he's the BEST. I would email it to you, but I don't know if you decided to limp home in your lopsided boots.

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  8. Love your blog. Laughing my ass off at work right now (and inexplicably craving pickles like a pregnant woman, so thanks for that).

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  9. God this was just so funny. So Liz Lemon. Live and in person.

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  10. If you accidentally on purpose bump into Chris Noth...just sell him on your brilliance lemon "Socks In The City!"...look out SJP & Co., here comes Sassy and she's a whole lotta rainbow!! Remember us little people when you make it to the big screen...you'll need a bunch of colorful extras to enhance your brilliance lemon debut)...

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  11. Why don't YOU have your own show? I would SO watch t.v. again if you did!

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  12. Why don't YOU have your own show? I would SO watch t.v. again if you did!

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  13. Hey! your shoes looked good with the heel chopped off! shoulda kept them, and i'm sure that you would have had a lot of fun banging the shoe against the sidewalk. You would have made it into a lot of conversations that day! oh well :)

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  14. True story- I met Chris Noth once. Not one of my finest moments (I suspect, knowing your celebrity track-record, you can relate). It was July 4th, long before his S&C days but still in his L&O days. I was working at a front desk, Mr. Noth approached the desk, wanting to pay for a drink with cash (it was at a private resort, the bar only accepted charges). Long story short, I was a bumbling idiot, he was, of course, tall dark and handsome. {sigh}

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  15. Summer before last, I put to rest 5 or so pairs of flip-flops. I write this to warn that shoe deaths (of all sorts) come in multiples. Walk in peace.

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  16. I think there must be some weird boot contagion going around...I just did two blog entries on boot-related issues! Actually, the issues were mine - the boots were just along for the ride. Wishing your deceased Aerosoles a funeral fit for Louboutins.

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  17. I once had jury duty. Suddenly, it was 'Juror Appreciation Day' ( I didn't know such thing existed) and Chris Noth + Julianne Moore were there, I am not kidding you. They gave me a mug and a mini gavel. I was on TV too. I met Mr Big, in sweats. Bad news.

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  18. I had a moment of silence for your boots. I, too, throw that crap away when the hem breaks (after trying double-stick tape for a while) or the heel wears down. Do they still have shoe-repair people?

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  19. Anonymous6:53 PM

    Love the blog, always funny; however, MARC JACOBS CAN DO NO WRONG, don't hate. But yeah, big fan.
    -Kim

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  20. I know you're cool since you go to a "bodega" to get pickles. We don't have those in rural North Carolina. We have plain ol' grocery stores. Boring, I know. (If you want to know the truth, I had to Google bodega to get the precise definition). P.S. I've spent the past week or so reading all of your past posts... I'm up to December '08 now... I don't want the fun to end! You're so funny.

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  21. I absolutely love The Sassy Curmudgeon! I think you are incredibly funny, and a great writer. I always laugh when I read your blog, quite loudly in fact. Because of this, if I'm reading it in public, I tend to get weird looks! It's totally worth it though!

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  22. Alright, as someone who has mourned quite-a-few-shoe in my time, I got one thing to say: Auto Gasket Silicone Sealer. I got it at an auto parts store and holy-tap-dancing-GOD does it work. You can bang that shoe on anything (or anyone) you want for hours and it won't budge. Don't ask me how I know.

    Also, I want that register. I want the person who programmed that register to program my voicemail for telemarketers.

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  23. My grandpa was a shoe cobbler, before he went out of business because people don't repair shoes anymore. And sadly there's a reason why, I'm sorry to say this, but someone must. The world is better off without those shoes...I mean the buckle....seriously? And because I don't like to give criticism without something positive, I love your blog, keep it up.

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  24. @Trish: Thank you! Both for reading and for the sketchy Penn Station cobbler tip. If I wear a blonde wig they might mistake me for Madonna circa Who's That Girl!

    @Misty: OMG. So joining that group. Also creating new group: Can my left boob get more fans than Anne Coulter?

    @inflammatorywrit: I know, I'm a moron.

    @Lauren: Done and done. Do you think it will be hard for little Requiem For A Shoe Zorabedian to have that name AND excess body hair?

    @Christi: Yeah, smokes are expensive in NYC. And thanks for the tip! I love Gorilla Glue!

    @Melissa's... Thank you! But spend some more time with my unibrow. It'll--wait for it--grow on you.

    @Stella: The boots are still alive. Email away! sassycurmudgeon@gmail.com

    @Lola: Aw, thanks. And you are welcome. Pickles are necessary for everyone, not just pregnant women.

    @M: Nerds!

    @Shitty: Pshaw, girl, I'm not nowhere near famous. But I WILL pitch Socks and the City. Imagine Sex and the City as sock puppets... OMG. MUST HAPPEN.

    @Katie*: I would love to be on the TV. I'll write a 30-Rock-type show, but about a blogger... yes, I can see it now...

    @Jackie: Yeah, I try not to talk to people on the subway. But I still have the boots and can bang them against the sidewalk whenever.

    @JustMe: Mmmmmmm Mr. Big. I probably would have just taken the cash and then paid for it myself later.

    @Deena: Thanks for the heads up. Luckily I wear mostly flats, so at least I won't fall on my face when they die.

    @Kate: Aw. I will. And I also will check out your blogs!

    @Claudia: What? Mr. Big plus sweatpants = heaven.

    @Tara: They do indeed. If I were a real grown-up I think I would know that.

    @Anonymous: Normally I would agree, but those heel-less heels are ridonk. :)

    @Jenna: Well, shucks. Thanks! Bodegas are the same as grocery stores, just with more body odor and cats roaming around. For real.

    @Zoe: Thank you! You have the same name as my sister, which means you are good people.

    @Soap: Thanks for the tip! And yes, that register is priceless.

    @Amy: They look better in real life, I swear! Not nearly as "Slutty Pilgrim."

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  25. 1. You're boots are so cute. Get 'em fixed.

    2. Did you know you were a Blog Of Note. I was already following you, and I only saw it today. Congrats! (:

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  26. Chris Noth? Really? =P

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  27. Is anyone really suprised that pickels have more fans than nickleback?

    1. Pickles are a better shade of green than the green nickleback makes me turn.

    2. Pickles are less than a nickle a pound but a much better value than nickleback.

    3. A pickle makes a delightful crunchy sound, unlike the less than delightful grungy sound Chad Kroeger makes.

    4. Pickles come in many flavors, unlike the songs of nickleback.

    5. You can use cornichon pickes as earplugs when someone plays nickleback.

    6. Pickles have incredible staying power and they've never even been on the radio unlike nickleback who seems to get every second of air time ever.

    7. The Vlassic Pickle Stork is way hotter than every member of nickleback.

    8. You can put a pickle on a cheeseburger. Can't say the same for nickleback CDs.

    9. Nickleback members might get pickled, but Pickles can't and won't ever be nicklebacked.

    And Finally:

    10. Nickleback wishes they could rock as hard as Pickles.

    I rest my case.

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  28. I never paid more than $75 for a pair of shoes or boots, until I bought a two pairs of Stuart Weitzman's for $250 each at Nordstrom's [because they carry designer shoes for women with LARGE and/or WIDE feet who cannot make do with their husband's wing tips.] So what if I lived on cereal for the next few weeks. I've worn Stu's shoes to death. They feel so good, like Fabio is sucking on my toes. A little polish, a little brushing, they always look pristine. Never once have they shown signs of wear. And they are now almost FIFTEEN years old. Too bad he doesn't sell hiking boots.

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  29. I feel your pain, those are some bangin boots. i broke a heel once and hopped all the way to my car. people were laughing at me but hey, a girls gotta do, what a girls gotta do.

    Tiffany
    http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com/

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  30. I really want a pickle now...and I already ate like a gazillion fried pickles at lunch. Don't judge. They're really tasty. And no I don't make them at home. Oh and I had another point...but I completely forgot. Hmmm.

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  31. Sassy, if there was any justice in this world, Chris Noth would have pulled up, just as your heel broke, in his big black car, rolled down the window (whereupon a big red balloon would have floated out)and asked you if you needed a ride. Flashing a wicked grin. And I'll bet he would have had really good wine. And then you would have said....?

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  32. In case you're interested, the British version is 'Can this sausage roll get more fans than Cheryl Cole?'

    The pastry goodness is doing quite well...

    ...mmm, sausage roll

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  33. You are a brilliant woman. Iam in love with your witticisms and euphenisms. "Requiem for a Shoe" ? Fantastic.
    And your boots are [were] quite sassy. R.I.P.

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  34. i need good boots. i can never find any.

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  35. Oh my god! This happened to me one time on campus, and my detached heal got stuck in the brick walkway. Lucky me, it was even during a passing period, so there were about 8 million people around.

    Bummer! :/

    Hope it doesn't happen again!
    -Celia @ Gild the Lily

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  36. Oh your poor boot! I would have cried if it were me. I bet it was uncomfortable hobbling around on one heel. RIP boot.

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  37. So, I just want to know how you made it home? Did you do the limp along on one good shoe or did you strip down to the rainbow socks and stride proudly home?

    And no, not surprised that pickles have more fans than Nickelback.

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  38. Wait... that onion ring gets around. There is also a facebook group to see if the onion ring can get more fans than Steven Harper (Canada's sad, lego-haired, p.o.s. Prime Minister).

    I am SO a fan of that group. I'm allergic to wheat and thus can't eat onion rings and they are still better than Harper.

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