Sunday, January 31, 2010

Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout, Bella?

So last night I may or may not have been playing the Twilight SceneIt! DVD game (and if I was playing it, hypothetically, I was obviously doing it ironically. Ahem.)

It is, predictably, pretty lame unless you are intoxicated, in which case, when the DVD asks you to complete a line from the movie and sparkle vamp Edward says lustily, "I don't have..." you scream "A PENIS!" and then eat a cheese straw in celebration of your incredible wit.

Anyway, at some point I noticed the right side of the game board, which featured Robert Pattinson doing his best Blue Steel, and I was reminded of another image that's been floating around the Internets lately.

WARNING: Scroll down with caution. This is fucking scary as hell and will haunt your dreams.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!! I have stated before on the blog how much Gary Coleman gives me the willies, but this is a fucking different stroke, my friends. If you really want to scare some 'tweens, Stephenie Meyer, get rid of the anemic night stalkers with bad bleach jobs and just stick Gary here in a bush outside of Bella's house, ranting about how he's going to sue someone. Or, even better, team up with Peter Jackson for a new movie called The Lord of the Rings: The Return of Arnold Jackson in which Frodo and Sam are tormented by a horrifying blood-thirsty vampire Hobbit. I don't think I have to tell you that CGI won't be necessary.

Sweet Jesus. Now I have to go stare at some Anne Geddes photos of babies in flower pots until the world seems safe again.


  1. I think you may just have ruined Rob Pattinson's sexiness forever. Those two images will be eternally linked in my mind.

  2. love your blog. Thanks for writing! I added you to my blogspot page. Keep up the good work. (The girl scout cookie post was MAJOR).

  3. Good grief!!! I think I may have soiled myself a bit!
    THAT is one angry little person!!!
    I don't think Anne Geddes can put any sort of dent into that kind of scary!

  4. You make me laugh. Thanks so very much.
    Warm regards,

  5. I'm telling you he's a tiny, ticking time bomb. One day he will make TMZ lots of money when he loses it......

  6. "but this is a fucking different stroke,"


  7. Anonymous5:44 PM

    I've only just started blogging and so consequently I have only just started following you, but I am already in love with your blog! I love you writing style and you're very witty. You have a new avid reader!

  8. If Robbie is giving his best blue steel than Gare-Bear is giving a shuriken stopping Magnum, fo-sho.

  9. loved this blog! making fun of twilight in any way is always a blast! lol. Just started blogging like the person above me and I hope I can be as fun to read as you are!

  10. Oh shi- watch out I think he wants to eat you!

  11. See, I find those Anne Geddes shots completely frightening.

  12. I don't know which is more frightening. Playing Scene it any edition or Gary Coleman? What the hell happened to piss of that Oompaloompa? No dental plan at the Chocolate factory is my guess.

  13. Eeek! Maybe he's hoping his latest mug shot can double as a head shot? He will be sending it out to the Twilight producers in hopes of snagging a mini-vampire lead in the tri-quel. No?

  14. Is it me or do Kristen and Robert look like the stoner kids you'd see smoking next to the chain link fence in high school?

  15. Totally agree about Gary Coleman, been seeing him in the news lately with bo-bos & bandages on his head from fightin' with the wife (who IS that woman and what was she thinking?) ... a part of me feels really sorry for him, but he's one of those unfortunate types that also creeps me out ... I think you nailed the emotions of millions with this entry, Sassy. (P.S. You really play Twilight SceneIt? Wow.)

  16. Congrats on being a B.O.N this week. Your blog is hilarious, I'll be sure to follow you!

    P.S This picture of Gary Coleman gives me the creeps. I saw it the other day and I was afraid to sleep with the lights off.

  17. Kait: Sorry. But I'm sure the next time you see his pasty abs the fire will alight again.

    kate: Thank you!

    The Celestron: I consider my job well done if anyone soils themselves while reading.

    Simone: Aw, thank you for telling me that. It makes me feel great.

    Kate: I know. I feel sorry for him, really. Poor little guy.

    It's All Good: Having you quote me back to me makes me feel like Bruno Kirby in When Harry Met Sally, in the very best way. Thanks!

    Stephanie: I'm so glad you started. What's your url? Thanks for reading!

    inkxaviary: Haha, so true.

    Jackie: Thanks! Good luck with your blogging. Just keep at it and be yourself and the readers will come (slowly, but surely)

    RIchard: I am now terrified that Gary has a Google alert on himself and will come after me.

    Ellie: Me too, actually. I just couldn't think of anything else to reference as an antidote to the pants-shitting scariness of that mug shot.

    LilNacyWife: Ha ha, I know. I was at a party if that makes the Scene It scenario any better...

    Country: Yes, I think Gary can have a lucrative career in horror thanks to this photo. His best PR yet!

    Janina: Totally. Kristen especially is that cool indie girl I could never get up the nerve to talk to.

    Barbara: I too feel bad for him and felt a little guilty making fun of him. Also: I PLAYED Twilight Scene It. ONE TIME. AT A PARTY. Lord, I will never live this down now. :)

  18. nice to meet u blog...

  19. Ahahahahah, you just made my day with this post! That's eerie how both Robert Pattinson and Gary Coleman have the same expression. I think it would be great fun to get belligerently drunk and play the Twilight Scene It game--only if I didn't have to buy it of course. I loved your reply to the fill in the blank question, Edward says, "I don't have...." A PENIS!!! Cracks me up to no end.

  20. I was referred by green girl. I'm thinking your future is bright. Love love love this


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