Thursday, January 21, 2010

An Open Letter To Jake Pavelka, aka The Bachelor


(Imagine that as a muffled scream the way Anthony Michael Hall screams for Michael Schoeffling when he's trapped under the coffee table in Sixteen Candles.)

Listen, Jake. You are totally cute. You remind me of my c. 1983 Sun Gold Malibu Ken, only your haircut looks less like Velma's from Scooby-Doo and it's not painted onto your head.

You are way cuter than that tubby Jheri curled Bob or geriatric bass fisherman Byron or your immediate predecessor Jason Mesnick, who looked like Enrique Iglesias' love child with Bruce Jenner. Not only are you cute, but you seem like a genuinely nice guy, albeit one who has suspiciously failed at finding love despite being an anatomically perfect Texan pilot (do you have uncontrollable sleep diarrhea or something?) and a person who would willingly go on a show like The Bachelor to find a wife.

But Jake, can I be real with your for a minute? Like really real?

Your taste sucks, dude.

I've watched all three episodes now and among the 12 girls you have left only two of them are even remotely OK. You kicked a bunch of decent girls to the curb on the first night and kept around:

1. A woman who in every single scene has Prince's Purple Rain hair!

2. Pre-plastic surgery Jessica Simpson!

3. A girl who suffers from the worst case of Stankface in recorded history!

4. And a "25 year-old" who looks suspiciously like she is two centuries older than that and ready to star in the Lifetime biopic of Judith Light, tentatively titled "I'm the Boss."

And the rest are all giant bitches, with the exception of that Southern redhead with the 7 year-old kid you have to pretend not to be totally freaked out by and the one named "Tenley," which is in and of itself a drawback (although in future seasons I think the producers should just dispense with names and call the women Onely, Twoley, Threeley, Fourley, etc.).

Anyway, my point is: You are up the river without a paddle, my friend. Those roses won't help you. Get some Depends and a Japanese anime body pillow and call it a day.


P.S. I must share with you this spot-on assessment of Michelle, the crazy-eyed clinger who Jake quite rightly asked to leave in the middle of episode 3, left in the comments by Kari of My Inflammatory Writ: "Good god, that girl was composed entirely of lithium, Spanish Fly and Fail." HA.



  1. Let's not forget Vienna, aka Methbrows Redux.

    I do have to say, he did show a giant pair of balls last week. And at least he got rid of Crazy Melissa. Good god, that girl was composed entirely of lithium, Spanish Fly and Fail.

    (I love you for blogging about The Bachelor.)

  2. Hahahahaha. I LOVE your recipe for Michelle. She was crazypants.

    And yes, Vienna's face troubles me, but I couldn't think of a joke that was spot-on enough. Methbrows is an amazing nickname, though, for pretty much anyone.

  3. Are you implying that her majesty Jessica S. is not natural???? :)

    she is thin!! :D

    great blog! :P

  4. Lol :) great blog, i love it!

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  6. Is it just me or is Vienna horribly cross-eyed?

    If an anime pillow is good enough for Franco, it's good enough for boring ass Jake.

    I vote for Ali!

  7. I can't entirely take credit for Methbrows. That was what DListed was calling Jon Gosselin's skank (Hailey Glassman). Thus the redux.

  8. Anonymous12:33 PM

    I don't watch the bachelor, but I think your #4 looks like Jenna Elfmann (spelling?), and i like that..

    Also, do you have any blog-able mocking about that weird couple/scorn long-time mistress that has billboards popping up around NYC and other cities I don't live in? I've heard a little bit about them and am very jealous I can't watch the situation unravel.

  9. I too find myself rooting for Tenley (sp??) only because she doesn't appear to be a totally crazy bitch... though her 'i was married and divorced and he's the only man i've been with' story doesn't really jive with the whole "i'm going on the bachelor" identity. My suspician is that Jake is suffering from the same taste problem that most men suffer from: picking women to date based on how closely they resemble some societally-promoted idea of beauty. In the first 2 rose ceremonies it was pretty obvious he was keeping the "prettiest" ones. If he was sheltered in texas and the air force for much of his life he probably doesn't even realize that fake blond hair and fake tans and weirdly-stupid acting women aren't all this world has to offer a man like him. Or... perhaps Jake is really gay. I would hope that in this day and age a Texan pilot would not be ashamed to come out but who knows.

  10. All I can say is LOL.

  11. Sarah Tew, I am SHOCKED that you watch The Bachelor. But I love you all the more for it :)

    vicki: Yes, Vienna is cross-eyed. I think it's because her nose is so long.

    Anonymous: I haven't really paid attention to those but I will investigate!

    And to Dreamer, Abi, Jet and Pencil: Thanks!

  12. I would put money that the women you mention are better looking than the vast majority of your readers.

    It reminds me of men shouting at athletes on TV, in our own minds we think we could do better, I think this applies to your gushing post!

  13. Divide, I only accept supermodel readers so I can totally pass judgment on other women's looks.

    But seriously, this post is a joke. And obviously if I was on TV millions of bloggers would make fun of my asymmetrical Shannen Doherty face and wine-yellowed teeth.

  14. Found you on Blogs of Note and I think have laughed at several things in each post. You won me over.

    As for the Bachelor. Ok...last week...what the fuck? He let 3 girls go that he didnt need to and kept VIENNA???! You have to be fuckin kidding me!

    I have a feeling next week is going to be juicy. Im suspecting and Ali vs. Vienna show down.

    Come on Jake. Dont get so distracted by boobs and pretty eyes. You cant possibly be that dense.

    -Your new reader!

  15. LOL totally agree!
    I wondered why he was single until I witnessed first hand his selections....


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