Since the Oscars and Emmys have lagged over the years, becoming bloated and predictable (not that I don't still love them. I mean, I know what it feels like to be bloated and predictable...) the Golden Globes have emerged as my favorite evening of celebrity self-congratulating. I attribute this to the fact that the GGs are not taken seriously (after all, they're handed out by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, which as far as I know does nothing but hand out Golden Globes and speak in tongues...) so everybody gets drunk and acceptance speeches are much more slurred (and, usually, more unrehearsed) than at the big shows.
It also should be noted that the Golden Globe looks cheaper than my high school JV track trophy
While I highly doubt any of you are actually going to be reading this during the Golden Globes telecast tonight, I hope you enjoy it over coffee tomorrow morning.
6:57 I'm about to start watching NBC's red carpet coverage (well, right after this Haiti news segment, which is really getting me in the mood to enjoy an evening of rich and famous people drinking Moet and having in-depth discussions about their Neil Lane diamond earrings). Bring on the fashion candy! I want to eat it like Ms. Pac-Man. Nom nom nom nom.
7:00 Ah, Billy Bush... the poor man's Ryan Seacrest.
7:01 Billy ditches Kristen Bell to stalk Jane Krakowski. It's fucking pouring and everyone is wet.
7:02 Billy sees George Clooney signing autographs and literally taps him on the back and forces him to do an interview. George says not once but twice that he and Billy are like "two idiots in the rain." I think they are like George Clooney and one idiot in the rain.
7:04 Billy is darting around harassing everyone, and the umbrellas only add to the chaos.
7:05 TRACY MORGAN. YES. "Baby I ain't no sugar, I ain't gonna melt."
7:07 Jeff Bridges. YES. I love him. He only seems a little bit high.
7:08 January Jones, the most affectless actress since Andie MacDowell. Why is she nominated? Betty Draper made me stabby this season.
7:09 Billy Bush has accosted Bradley Cooper. Bradley: "We're live?" Billy: "Yes. So don't call me what you usually call me." HA.
7:11 Chloe Sevigny is wearing a Valentino gown that resembles a repurposed dust ruffle.
7:12 Jacob from Twilight is A) definitely gay, and B) approximately 5 ft. 3.
7:13 Courteney Cox can barely contain her contempt for Billy. Whatever he has, I hope it's not contagious. They can't teach asshattery like that.
7:14 Colin Firth. Swoon! I always thrill during the moment in Bridget Jones' Diary when he says my name: "Mind the gherkins, Una." I should look into making that my ringtone.
7:15 Kate Hudson is wearing tassles on her ears, and a dress that looks like those white chocolate shavings you sometimes get on desserts. I WANT TO EAT IT.
7:20 After a break, we have Morgan Freeman. When asked if he was overwhelmed to play Nelson Mandela in Invictus, he says no. "I have such confidence in me it's painful." I think he's kidding...
7:22 Billy has Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart. Now THEY look high.
7:26 Paul McCartney is wearing what looks like a bunch of Boy Scout merit badges on a scarf. Sigourney Weaver and John Lithgow are awesome. That is all.
7:28 Oh, Mickey Rourke. Your face makes me sad. Also your lapels are made of crocodile.
7:29 I know Mariah Carey is acting now, but seeing her just makes me want to listen to Emotions until I pass out from her high E.
7:32 Sandra Bullock is wearing a pretty purple dress. Billy tries to give her a Snuggie. I want to give him a Slappie.
7:33 Penelope Cruz boldly rocks some serious horizontal stripes across her hips. I will need a closer view in order to pass judgment.
7:37 [Commercials] Fuck you, Yoplait Light. Yogurt is never going to taste like Boston Cream Pie and we all fucking know it.
7:39 Pineapple fried rice has arrived, and may impede my typing.
7:41 Colin Farrell: Still cute.
7:46 Quentin Tarantino. So glad he didn't write himself into Inglorious Basterds. I wouldn't have bought him as a Nazi.
7:48 Why is the background theme music so budget? I know NBC lost money on the Olympics, but damn.
7:53 Text from Dad: "Shouldn't they cancel GG because of the crisis in Hiati? :)" No, Dad, they only cancel the Globes for tragedies like the Hollywood writer's strike.
7:54 Tina Fey to Billy Bush: "It's not rain, it's just God crying for NBC." Ha! She says she doesn't think 30 Rock will win Best Comedy for the third year in a row: "I think we're just going to stay in our seat and get drunk tonight."
7:58 Ohboyohboyohboy. Can't wait for Ricky Gervais! This red carpet coverage was weak.
8:00 Ricky looks good.
8:03 An extended penis/masturbation joke only three minutes in! This bodes well.
8:05 Nicole Kidman presents Best Supporting Actress. And the winner is ... Mo'Nique! Not to take away from her honor, but Mo'Nique is wearing what looks like curtains.
8:09 Aaaaand, she made me cry. Dammit.
8:10 Matthew Fox and Sofia Vergara present Best Actress in Musical/Comedy TV show. And the winner is ... Toni Collette. I've never watched The United States of Tara. Is it any good?
8:12 BT-dubs*, Toni Collette looks amazing.
*This is how I say "By the way." It makes Jeff crack up.
8:17 Alfre Woodard's daughter is Miss Golden Globe. She's hot.
8:18 Best Supporting Actor award goes to... John Lithgow for Dexter. The announcer guy mentions that he was once nominated for Third Rock From The Sun. Wow. I totally forgot that show happened. Throwback!
8:20 Sir Paul comes out, still in ridiculous scarf to present Best Animated Film. "Animation is not just for children. It is also for adults who take drugs." HA. (Also, so true. Have you ever watched old Sesame Street cartoons on YouTube while high? Not that I have, but that, um, sounds like it would be trippy.)
8:22 Up wins. Since he is not famous, guy who accepts award gets played off-stage to orchestral smooth jazz.
8:28 Kate Hudson has visible tissue coming out of her top. Em-barr-assing! Oh wait, that's just her dress.
8:29 Ricky's back! "One thing that can't be bought is a Golden Globe ... officially."
8:30 Felicity Huffman is ridiculously ripped and trips over all of her lines. Introduces the prez of the HFPA, who looks like a tall Alvie Singer.
8:32 Neil Patrick Harris and Jane Krakowski present Best Actor in a TV drama. Come on Michael C. Hall! Oooh, but Jon Hamm. Decisions, decisions. And the winner is ... Michael C. Hall. YAY! Aw, he's wearing a cancer hat. I am going to cry.
8:34 NPH and Jane present Best Actress in a TV drama. And the winner is ... Juliana Margulies! Upset? I'm secretly, wickedly glad it's not January Jones.
8:37 She pretty. Not sure about the dress though. Kind of Star Trekky.
8:39 I told myself I'd do push-ups and squats during commercials but I ate too much fried rice and must recline. But I'm going to count writing about doing push-ups and squats as an A for effort.
8:42 Harrison Ford introduces Up In The Air. He's so deadpan, I almost wonder if he's had jaw Botox. Or some 'ludes.
8:43 Ricky burns Sir Paul over divorce settlement, then introduces gayest pair of presenters ever: Jake Gyllenhaal and John Travolta. JK, it's Cher and Christina Aguilera! They present Best Original Song. And the winner is ... something from Crazy Heart. I want to see that. They also present Best Original Score. Up wins. I should probably see that, too.
8:53 Amy Adams and Josh Brolin present Best Miniseries or TV Movie. Amy looks cute in green, but I could do without the sparkly bow detail on her left boob. Oh, Grey Gardens wins. The whole cast comes onstage. I think I love Drew Barrymore's dress.
8:57 Tom Hanks (or "Hanx," as he signs his Tweets) introduces Julie and Julia.
8:59 Colin Farrell says "Oh, balls!" and then presents Best Actress in Comedy/Musical. And the winner is ... Meryl Streep (for Julie and Julia; she was nominated twice in this category, greedy whore).
9:02 Meryl: "I want to change my name to T-Bone. T-Bone Streep." Is she wasted?
9:09 Helen Mirren! OMG she's so hot. Also: brief KevBac sighting! Helen's introducing Precious.
9:10 Avatar peeps come out to present Best Actor in Miniseries or TV Movie. Ooh, KevBac is nominated. And Chiwetel Ejiofor. Two hot men I've interviewed in one category! And the winner is ... KevBac!!!
9:12 He didn't thank me. WTF?
9:13 Best Actress in Miniseries or TV Movie ... and the winner is Drew Barrymore for Grey Gardens.
9:14 I do kind of love her dress even though she has what looks like a bedazzled porcupine on her shoulder.
9:15 Drew mentions Jeff Spicoli and lisping in her rambling acceptance speech, which is an automatic win for the evening. Also, is it me or does Jessica Lange look pissed?
9:20 Cameron Diaz presents It's Complicated. Love her dress, but nostalgic for her old face.
9:22 Ricky's back. "This next award is a bit of a downer ... it's for writing."
9:23 Gerard Butler and Jennifer Aniston present Best Screenplay. Jen looks good. And the winner is ... Jason Reitman and someone else [Update: The someone else is Sheldon Turner. SHELDON. This makes me think of When Harry Met Sally. You do not have great sex with Sheldon. Ha.] for Up In The Air.
9:26 A sparkly Jennifer Garner and Ashton Kutcher present Best Actor in TV Series Comedy or Musical. Ooh, it's Mr. Schuster!!!! And the winner is ... Alec Baldwin, who is not there. Boo.
9:27 Maggie Gyllenhaal appears out of nowhere to ask people to give to relief efforts in Haiti. Which I'm all for, but did she rush the stage? Or was that planned?
9:32 Samuel L. Jackson presents Inglorious Basterds, and then introduces Sophia Loren ... whose shoulders are sparkling and who gets a standing O. She presents Best Foreign Language Film. And the winner is ... The White Ribbon (Germany). The director has a Wolfman beard and speaks in adorable broken English. STOP PLAYING HIM OFFSTAGE, HEARTLESS YANNI ORCHESTRA!
9:37 Amy Poehler and that Chuck dude present Best TV Series Drama. And the winner is ... [fingers crossed for Dexter!] Mad Men. Ok, fine. I like Mad Men, too. But Dexter rocked this season. Matthew Weiner looks like Jason Alexander will after her finishes Jenny Craig.
9:40 Aahhhhhh! Pete Campbell has Brad Pitt Kalifornia hair!
9:45 Taylor Lautner (Jacob) introduces (500) Days of Summer.
9:46 Kristen Bell and Nate from Gossip Girl present Best Supporting Actress in TV Series, Miniseries or TV Movie. Oh please, Jane Lynch! And the winner is ... Chloe Sevigny for Big Love. I never liked her as an actress, but I don't watch Big Love. Is this just? Regardless, what's not just is that dress.
9:49 Ricky welcomes "the very clean" Halle Berry. Jeff (who just walked in) observes, "Somebody's breastfeeding!" Presents Best Supporting Actor in a Movie. And the winner is .. Christoph Waltz. He was awesome in Inglorious Basterds.
9:56 Oh, yay, Martin Scorcese gets the Cecil B. DeMille award. I love Marty. DeNiro and DiCaprio introduce it.
9:57 This is mean, but must be said: Brendan Fraser? Got fat.
9:58 I have a confession to make: Leo creeps me out. He has a baby face stuck on a giant body, and the chin pubes only make it creepier.
10:04 Aw, he's so cute. I love Martin Scorcese. I love his glasses. I love that he calls movies "pictures." I love that his eyebrows refuse to go gray.
10:08 Aahhhh George Lucas' wattle!
10:12 Wait, am I hard of hearing or did the announcer just say that Jodie Foster is starring in a film called The Beaver?
10:13 The Hurt Locker is next on my Netflix cue. I swear!
10:14 Ricky Gervais is drinking a beer at the podium. "I like a drink as much as the next man ... unless the next man is Mel Gibson." A. MAZE. ING.
10:15 Mel presents Best Director. And the winner is ... James Cameron. Who is, by the way, looking a lot like a lesbian folk singer.
10:18 Keifer Sutherland and Olivia Wilde present Best TV Series Comedy or Musical. And the winner is ... Glee! Yay! I know some people hate on Glee, but it's so fuckin' cute. And 30 Rock has won for years. Creator Ryan Murphy has dressed as Michael Stipe to accept his award.
10:25 The cast of The Hangover (plus Mike Tyson!) come onstage to introduce ... The Hangover.
10:26 Reese Witherspoon comes onstage lookin' much better now that she's nobody's beard. She presents the Best Motion Picture Musical/Comedy Award. And the winner is ... The Hangover. HAHAHAHA. Oh man, I love the Hollywood Foreign Press.
10:33 Governor Ahhnold takes the stage to introduce Avatar. Then Ricky is back to introduce Mickey Rourke, who's presenting Best Actress in a Drama. Oh, Mickey, you were so fine. You were so fine you blew my mind. Why, Mickey? Why, Mickey?
10:36 And the winner is ... Sandra Bullock. I like her, but I won't see The Blind Side.
10:39 Oh right! That girl from Happy Go Lucky won last year, so she gets to present. (Ha! I just typed "Jappy Go Lucky." Someone make that movie, please.) And the winner for Best Actor in a Comedy/Musical is ... Robert Downey Junior for Sherlock Holmes. I love RDJ. Great speech.
10:46 Kate Winslet presents Best Actor in a Drama. Fingers crossed for The Dude! And the winner is ... Jeff Bridges. YAY!!!
10:47 He gets a standing O and looks so suave. "You're really screwing up my under-appreciated status here." Thanks his wife of 33 years first, then his parents, then all the Hollywood flacks. And then he thanks his stand in! I want Jeff Bridges to be my grandpa (it's okay for me to say that, because both my grandfathers are dead).
10:52 Am I the only person who cares less about Best Picture than Best Actor/Actress? I wish they wouldn't make it the last award. (But that is just because I'm superficial and like to listen to celebrities talk.)
10:54 [Commercials] I bet Bret Michaels will make a good Celebrity Apprentice, as long as the challenges involve banging skanky chicks on a bus.
10:55 Julia Roberts presents Best Motion Picture Drama. I like Julia's laid-back style and chunky necklace. And the winner is ... Avatar. Ah well, blue cat-people need more attention than abused underprivileged black girls, I guess. Oh, Hollywood.
So ... that happened. Check back tomorrow, when I'll do a fashion recap a la my Emmys coverage this fall. G'night!