Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Girl Scouts: The Littlest Drug Dealers

This seems really inappropriate to do on the blog, but I’m desperate, guys. I need a fix. The good stuff. You know what I’m talking about. I feel like I haven’t had any in forever.

The thing is I don’t know anyone who’s selling. I will buy in bulk, I swear, I just need a hook-up. I’ll put it in my freezer so it’ll keep. I’ll let you have some. Just give me a number, for the love of Christ. I won’t say it was you who sent me.

Do I have to spell it out for you? I NEED SOME FUCKING TAGALONGS, okay?. Thin Mints, Samoas, Do-Si-Dos, whatever you’ve got, man. I’ll even take Trefoils, the schwag of the Girl Scout Cookie catalog. I’m like Cookie Monster on the Master Cleanse right now; it’s not pretty.

Seriously, though, why are Girl Scout cookies harder to procure than illegal drugs? There is something wrong with that lesson. If I sent you on a scavenger hunt right now with a list that included a quart of unpasteurized raw milk, an ounce of marijuana, an eight-ball of cocaine, a whole roasted goat, and a box of Thin Mints, guess which item would be the biggest bitch to find? That is not right, y’all.

The main reason for this, of course, is that Girl Scouts are forbidden from selling cookies online. I’m not really sure why this is—I can only guess it's to even the playing field, in case some girls don’t have reliable access to the Internet—but it seems pretty archaic. Explain to me how forcing pre-teens in short pleated skirts to walk the streets soliciting strangers is character-building? If you go to the Girl Scouts of America website, they explain that "Girl Scouts of the USA does not currently allow online sales, but its cookie site can help you locate girls selling in your community." Yes, that's right. ANYONE can log onto this site to FIND YOUNG GIRLS. Seriously, does this not seem wrong to anyone else?

The whole experience of trolling for cookies makes me feel like a pedophile. I find myself breathlessly Tweeting sentences that are probably on government Megan's Law watch lists: “Anyone know any Girl Scouts? I NEED one. Anywhere in the country. I’ll pay anything!!!!” I stare a little too long at kids on the street, searching their outfits for tell-tale flashes of green. They’re the world’s tiniest dealers, and they’re harder to find than Obama's real Kenyan birth certificate.

For real, check out this chart I made:

ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER: 
A COMPARATIVE ANALYSIS




There is nothing not illegal that's harder to get than a box of Girl Scout cookies when you are a childless person. In fact, I could probably buy a baby on the black market faster than I could get my hot little hands on a box of Girl Scout goodness.

Stay tuned for updates; if I get the baby first, I'm naming it Samosa.
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37 comments :

  1. Anonymous2:30 PM

    Well I could hook you up (I know a girl...) but I'm in California. I do remember how happy I was to see a gaggle of Brownies outside the grocery store when I was childless. I dreamed about Thin Mints from March through January.

    I just found your blog randomly. Nice.

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  2. And now MY stomach is growling over the thought of getting my hands on a box, or 6. Last year I worked it down to just 6 boxes. I mistakenly thought I could make each box last 2 months and therefore get me through the year. I was soooo wrong!

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  3. I think I take for granted that a Girl Scout lives right across the street from me. If you can't find your fix, I'll hook it up and ship to you. You simply can't miss out!

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  4. Effing hilarious! I am a sucker for samoas. We had to pre-order four boxes from the kid of a guy at my husband's work. Pre-order? Like they're gonna run out? You're right, it's messed up.

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  5. There's a guy in my office taking orders for his stepdaughter RIGHT NOW! Seriously, if you need 'em that bad, I live in Brooklyn and work in midtown -- we can make this happen! :)

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  6. I have a stash in my freezer. Sorry, but you can't have any.

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  7. Oh GREAT. Thanks. I would've been able to go on living my life just fine until you mention THIS. Now I'll be thinking of nothing but little girls in green uniforms until the day they finally appear at a table in front of the grocery store and I can bombard them with fistfuls of cash.
    UGHHHH.

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  8. You know, in the supermarket they have a whole aisle of these things. AND they're cheaper.

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  9. So funny, because I feel your pain. I blogged about GS Cookies today too! Tis the season, baby. Now HOOK ME UP, LITTLE GIRL!

    Julie

    V word - explogra, as in "I'm going to explogra if I don't get me some Thanks A Lots and Shortbreads!"

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  10. Very very funny- I get this same addiction only for the Lindt truffle

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  11. This is the worst blog to read whilst watching the biggest loser. Oh Samoas! The guy at work with the little drug dealer hasn't come in with the order form yet. I'm in Astoria, work in midtown. I can hook you up if you need too, although BeccaGo is all over that. You're in NY!!! nothing is off limits!!!

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  12. I feel your pain. I'm a Samoa addict, and yes, those Tagalongs are pretty damn good too. I used to work as an elementary art teacher and still couldn't find any. Ironically, I had to get mine from the pot dealers I used to live with. How they got their hands on so many boxes of GS cookies, I'll never know, but we had a pretty good operation running out of our living room for a few months (seriously, they could get their hands on those things even after prime selling season). It's just not right.

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  13. I have a little girl scout trying to peddle her wares right now and not many people are biting this year!!!

    Why the F don't you live in our neighborhood????

    My girl scout is going to have to make her own reality show also called The Biggest Loser for selling the shittiest amount of cookies this year!!!

    Do you do Fedex????

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  14. The little Girl Scout across the alley is about 5'6" now, and I fear she may have moved on to other things. I need my 18 boxes of mostly Samoas! (Okay, I'd be better off without them, but I WANT them.)

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  15. I want to thank you, it's been awhile since I laughed so hard. But it's true there a bitch to find. In Vermont it's almost imposible. I steal my girlfriends all the time. My favoret though has got to be Thin mints. Ah but not regular thin mints..To make them amazing one must throw them into the freezer! Haha oh so much better!!!!

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  16. Hmmm, make my car payment or stock up on Samoas? Tough call. A payday loan is looking really good right now.

    p.s. My wavy verification word is "myotatin". Wtf is myotatin?

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  17. My tiny pusher did really well this year! :) Yes, she is contributing to the obesity of America. I can get you a stash if you're getting the shakes. Let me know.

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  18. If I take you all up on your offers I could have enough Samoas to last me the year! This plan was eeeeexcellent (imagine me drumming my fingers Dr. Evil-style).

    I also need to plan ahead this year and buy Cadbury Mini-Eggs in bulk for the non-Easter season.

    So much of my life revolves around procuring junk food. I'm going to choose to be proud of this instead of horrified.

    You guys are awesome; thanks, as always, for reading!

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  19. I was also a Girl Scout until my senior year of high school, which made me a huge dork for the majority of the year, but the most popular kid in school for that one month I sold cookies out of my locker. :)

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  20. hello blog of note congratulations on your acheivement

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  21. Chrisy in Chicago12:56 PM

    My supplier is a small surburban organization fronted by a inconspicuous father-figure that delivers to city office buildings. I hit him up for 9 boxes. 9. Boxes. 9-mfing-boxes of girls-scout-crack.

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  22. God, you're so right. I read this yesterday but I couldn't comment because it made me too hungry, and leave my seat in search of something that could somewhat resemble a girl scout cookie.

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  23. Costco sells the elusive cadburry miniegg, and in Canada the lil bags of goodness are now sold year round, but you need an eagle eye to spot em.
    Good luck on your cookie caper!

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  24. I laughed, extremely hard, at your chart, haha!

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  25. kristen10:51 AM

    http://www.girlscoutcookies.org/ will let you put in your zipcode and tell you down to the second when girl scouts in your area are starting to sell. I have 24 days to go until i stuff my mouth with sweet, sweet thin mints.

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  26. I was going to try not to buy cookies this year since I found out that only 10-15% of the revenue from the cookies goes to the local troop selling them. My stomach won out though and I ended up preordering several (enough to freeze and last a year hopefully) boxes of thin mints, tagalongs, and samoas. Damn drug peddling school girls!

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  27. Oh right...this was YOU talking about Girl Scout cookies on Twitter. I've been craving them since and pretty pissed off because I can't find them anywhere.

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  28. I don't know if you know this, but you're the next Liz Lemon. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST, PEOPLE. Make note.

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  29. I might have half a box of thin mints in my drawer now. But I don't share such precious items. Sorry.

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  30. On the chart you could argue that you have to know a guy for booze if you are under 21. But I guess anyone over 21 then qualifies as "a guy". I'm under 21 and I love your blog

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  31. For some reason girl scout moms in my town (Austin, TX) have signs painted on their windshields that say "honk if you love girl scout cookies" and "i've got gs cookies!" Seriously?! will they pull over on the freeway and sell you a box? That's like a armed car driving down the road with a flashing sign that says "i have money".

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  32. I just bought two boxes from a guy at the office a few weeks ago. Yes, I know a guy who know a girl (his niece) But, they're not in yet.... I wonder if I could buy a case of each yummy type and then peddle them illegally online at a 200% mark up? Sounds like a business plan to me.

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  33. So true. Those girl scouts need to get their business right!!!

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  34. Love the chart of availability for various vices. -- I also appreciate that you know and love the cookies by their original names -- not everyone does! The graphic I loved more, however, was the ideal Trivial Pursuit pie piece categories. keep it up.

    www.playgroupwithsylviaplath.com

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  35. this is so true, my whole lacrosse team has been semi-stalking girl scouts in front of ATX grocery stores in order to get some lol

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  36. This is a late post, but I was just scrolling through some of your older posts and I am the leader of my daughter's scout troop. I can send them to you since we are friends (as I read your ProRun recap religiously). I'd have to ship them to you but I can hook you up!

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