Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Belated Golden Globes Fashion Throwdown

Set, inexplicably, to "Paul Revere's Ride" by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (I'm weird).

Scroll down my children and you shall behold
The gowns on display at the globes of gold.
On the seventeenth of January, in Twenty-ten
The red carpet teemed with hungry women
Who dressed in fashions bold.
Take, for example, this sassy scribe
Who dared to eschew black
Her garment looks stitched by an African tribe
Out of squid ink and potato sack.

(Oh, Tina.)

One star’s bosom blossom caused Jon Hamm to frown...

And one startlet screamed as the leeches bore down.

One had her garment constructed of rags.

(Unbleached paper towel—my favorite color!)

One wore Bert’s unibrow with an old Hefty bag.

And one’s frozen face raised a shiny red flag.

(Smile, Cam! Oh... nevermind.)

Some, of course, looked divine, and I noticed a pattern
Women over 50 looked much less like slatterns!

Sparkles also emerged as a mark of good taste...

Except for poor Jenna, whose dress ate her waist.

(JENNA! I want you to look awesome; why do you torment me?)

The rest of the best showed off striking jewel shades...

(Though Rose here is looking as thin as a blade)

And Mo’Nique wore some drapery (sans the gold braid)

(I am such an asshole; she's crying about God and abused women.)

Joan here got panned for her ruffled regalia

(This makes me crave buttermilk.)

But if you don’t think she’s hot you’ve got no genitalia. 

Meanwhile, a number of ladies debuted
Their Morticia Addams costumes...

Shrouded in black with mermaid tails of gloom
They seem to be terribly vexed.
On the flip side, Kate dressed in an Elmer’s glue hue
Perhaps on the prowl for a groom
Having stuffed her bra with Kleenex.

A few gentlemen brought with them some dates
Whose judgment was suspect at best
Clooney’s sweetheart, while no doubt genetically blessed
Wore an outfit that caused some debate

Her dress gave the impression her skin had been peeled
The underlying muscles revealed
Meanwhile, Sir Paul squired this lady fair
Wearing his scarf with a smug, knightly air

Did you know Ed Hardy made red carpet frocks?
Guidettes the world over are dying of shock
As they perfect the poofs in their hair.

Another contingent were decked out for prom
In fabrics bright and shiny
That swathed their figures tiny
They tried to pull off their looks with aplomb
But it looked like a Jessica McClintock bomb
Had exploded and hit them quite badly

If I could take that back I would, gladly
But poor Diane Kruger has never looked worse
It’s like the whole planet is spinning in reverse

And Lauren Graham (aka the Gilmore Girls mom)
Is wearing an outfit that gives me some qualms
As she clearly loves Bubble Yum quite madly.

Now, this Oompa Loompa is busty and cute,
And damn, that Duhamel looks good in a suit.

But Emily here walks a fine line
Get off of Jim—I mean, John! He is mine!

I think I need a whole stanza for Patricia Arquette
Whose sartorial choices give me cold sweats

Yet you’ve loved every butt-ugly dress you have met.
You also have troubling issues with fit.
Speckled gray sausage casings are not your friend
This dowdy parade needs to come to an end
You’ve got boobs and an ass,
And that’s called hourglass
Go ask Christina Hendricks to take you out shopping
I promise it’s worth all the cash you’ll be dropping
While you’re at it, pick up a white shirt and black shoes
For your hubby, who’s in need of his own fashion muse
With a few tweaks you guys’ll be the talk of the town
You might even steal Brangelina’s crown
And have the pick of any orphans you choose!

’Kay, this post needs to die
I’ve spent way too much time
Twisting in pretzels to make this shit rhyme
You might ask yourself why
I would even endeavor
To write a fucking long poem and try to be clever
And the answer is I have no idea whatsoever
And no, I am not high.
Thanks for reading my lyrical bitching
I hope you have found this blog enriching
Just remember that no matter what you do
Don’t ruin your face like Mickey Rourke

(For real, he looks like a side of pork)
Also, don’t get a facial tattoo.



  1. amazing and impressive. but am i really surprised?

  2. You're so good at this shit. Writing poetry and punny lyrics and shit. Loves it.

  3. Am I the only one on the planet who thinks Rita Wilson was drunk when she picked out her dress? And, GOD, I LOVE Rita Wilson. WTF?

  4. Chrisy in Chicago7:01 PM


  5. ummm your line about christina hendricks, with the genitalia, pretty much exactly how I feel about her. I loved her dress though, even though i try to hate everything christian does.

  6. No, writer, you aren't the only one who thinks Rita Wilson was drunk when she picked out her dress. Not only was it tacky but it made her look HUGE. If I were her I'd slap Tom for letting me walk out in public like that.

    And while we're at it, I'd like to give huge props to Jessica Lange for embracing her inner grandma. Time and her stylist have not been kind to her.

  7. This is AWESOME. I 100% agree with everything you said. Especially about Christina H., the bridesmaid brigade, and Rose Byrne, who when I saw her photo yesterday I had to rush out and buy a sandwich for MYSELF because I was so disturbed.

  8. The best Golden Globes fashion review BY FAR!
    Love the commentary.
    I don't get all the nude shade ruffly outfits. The best were the jewel tones and the hotties over 50.
    And that red head from "Mad Men" takes the title away from Angelina of women I can't look at for too long because they're so beautiful. I feel like I'll turn into stone. She's breathtaking.

  9. Anonymous12:44 PM

    you are simply off-the-hook brilliant!

  10. I found your blog through another blog and this cracked me up!!

  11. Sarah B3:46 PM

    I can't believe you didn't include Chloe Sevigny in this lineup! Hers was notoriously AWFUL...not to be outdone with her weird and shriekish behavior when she got on stage. Eeks!

  12. LOL! That was great! I give...I'll follow! :) And I'm totally posting this to my FB page! Nice work!

  13. No mention of Meryl Streep? Her dress was designed by Project Runway alum, Chris March! I think she looked fabulous.
    Anyway, great post.

  14. I just found your blog, and I love the GG posts! I agree about Patricia Arquette! We watch her in Medium, where her character wears frumpy clothes and lives in a frumpy house, but you'd think she could glam up for award shows!

  15. Thanks guys! Rita Wilson looked horrible, as did Chloe Sevigny, but I got tired of rhyming and forgot to include them. Sacrilege!

    And adj, I didn't find out about Meryl's Chris March dress until after I posted. Oops!

  16. You.Are.F-ing.Hilarious.


    But we might have to duke it out over Jim Halpert.


  17. Wicked good, my dear,
    It's nice to be here.
    You're right on the edge
    without going over the ledge
    and I'll never forget
    that gown worn by Arquette.

  18. I am new to this blog thing, and have yet to even write one. Nosing around in other people's business is just so much fun I just can't seem to pull myself away. I found your blog through the blog of note and I just had to tell you how amazing I think you are. Funny is an understatement! I look forward to reading much more from you.
    A New Fan


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