Saturday, January 23, 2010

Because I Love You: A Highly Embarrassing Excerpt From My Teenage Diary

This week I found a shitload of old poems and stories and diaries that I had shoved on a shelf at the top of a closet. It was like finding a gold mine, only the gold is worthless and humiliating and makes me rue the day I decided to take that poetry class in high school.

Most of what I found is hilarious to me but probably wouldn't be hilarious (or even that interesting) to you. Except for this. Prepare to cringe your faces off.

August 16, 1994

GUESS WHAT?!

I got a tampon in.* I thought I was defective and had two orifices** or something but NO! YAY! I am so proud and relieved. Let us mark this day in history!

Much love,
Una


Sad but definitive proof that I am not making this up.

I am not even kidding when I say that this is by far the most exciting entry my diary had ever seen. Had I started to write my autobiography in 1994, the Great Tampon Victory would surely have been the highlight, deserving three or four chapters. The rest of this volume, which spans the summers of 1993 to 1997, recounts my days in the way that your ninety year-old great aunt might: Let's see, I had breakfast--grapefruit--and then I watched that Geraldo on TV. I read for awhile and went to the pharmacy for my Coumadin. We had hamburgers for supper. I peppered my writing with declarations of love for unrequited crushes, but I never had so much as a study date to write to my diary about. I can only imagine that my all-caps GUESS WHAT?! elicited my jaded diary to respond, "What, did we fall asleep reading John Grisham and dream about Evan Dando again?"

In my defense, I had an old boyfriend who used to address his diary entires "Dear Jesus," so it could be worse.

*I had a terrible experience prior to my ultimate victory involving a hand mirror and some aloe vera cream. 
**My health education failed me miserably. You do have two orifices down there, sweetie. Three if we're being technical.

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21 comments :

  1. I found an almost identical page in my childhood diary from quite a few years ago...I would kill to go back to when tampons were my biggest worry! xx

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  2. Anonymous4:24 PM

    Just happened upon your blog today. You're hysterical! Thanks for the lift.

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  3. FAIL to sex ed classes. But how nice you succeeded!

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  4. I remember the first time I put one it...thats a momentous occasion! :) All my teenage diaries were lost sadly, but I'm sure I had an entry such as that in there! :)

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  5. Cracked up! I bet every woman remembers that day in their life! I love your blog - I laugh almost every time I read it!

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  6. ::sigh:: the things that unite us in sister-hood; tampons, natural childbirth, banana boobs.
    God HAS to be a woman, because no man could ever come up with these joyful initiations.

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  7. Thank you all for being amused by this as opposed to horrified. From now on I'll post an update every time I use a tampon, in celebration :)

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  8. I discovered your blog through the "Blogs of Note" area. I found it hilarious and enjoyed reading your latest posts! This one reminded me of the time capsule I opened over Christmas break. I had made it when I was 11, and had instructed myself not to open it until 2010. OH MY...the things I found. I can related the embarrassing diary entries. You should see my dedication to the Backstreet Boys.

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  9. It's like having an anniversary every month! With chocolate and Advil to celebrate.

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  10. Brilliant. I found some old notes as well that I had left my mum when I was a kid. One of them announcing I would never hit my baby sister again. ah well....Can't wait to read more of your entries:-)

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  11. So Funny! I too have this page in my journal...New to Blogger yours is the funniest and most real I have come across...the only person I follow so far...keep it coming!

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  12. Anonymous12:23 PM

    you should try to find a longer and more embarassing entry for "Mortified" the book/traveling show about how teenagers think they're important and when they're adults they regret ever writing down their thoughts. it's AMAZING.

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  13. I remember this day in my life too. I'm wondering if I mentioned it in my own journal? I kinda hope so. Looking through them is awesome and awful at the same time! Mortifying and then... crying laughing. Please Una, keep it coming!

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  14. i identify so much.

    not necessarily with the tampon thing specifically, cause i don't think i really got around to that til my 20's. that's right: i am STILL embarrassing.

    yeah.

    wish i could say i've come a long way since my teenage memoirs were written, but alas, i have not.

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  15. Funny! I think I had my mom teach me how to use one....

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  16. Fricking tampons!!

    Bane of my life. I totally identify this, amongst other embarrassing diary entries. Most of mine are filled with pathetic simperings about some bloke or another.

    *cringe*

    Please excuse me....I need to go and remove this tampon from my arse. Don't tell me I don't know how to use tampons!

    B x

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  17. Oh my! I just came across your blog and I love this post! I love looking back at old entries. They can definitely provide comic relief!

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  18. I think I know that ex-boyfriend!

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  19. I've just snorted like a hormonal warthog reading this post! I'm sure we've all got a diary entry like that tucked up our sleeve.... I know I do!

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  20. I know I have a similar entry for the first time I got my period. My old diaries are at my parents' house, in my childhood bedroom. I am planning to get them next time I go back, but I had to let you know that at one time I had a journal, Lisa Frank of course, and I tabbed off four sections. At this time my memory fails me, but I know a few things: one tabbed secion was dedicated to all things BOYS. I wrote those to my LOVE, JTT, or Jonathan Taylor Thomas to you non-BOP alum readers. I think another section, meant for family matters, was written "Dear Granny Faye," my grandmother who had died yet I didn't really miss, so I felt that dedicating some diary entries might make me feel like a better granddaughter. Thanks for jogging the memories:) Adolescents are idiots.

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