Quick, name two of my favorite activities.
(Eating—yes, only not for the purpose of this quiz.)
(I like that, too, but my parents read this, so ix-nay on the ex-say.)
Wait, what's that? Blogging and watching reality TV? DING DING DING DING DING.
I'v recapped TV shows before on the blog, but never consistently. Since August I've been recapping Project Runway for the Huffington Post, and I've had a yen recently to do more of that kind of thing. I even had an idea to start a new, recap-only blog with the tagline "Putting a recap in yo' ass... wait, that sounds wrong."
Unfortunately I have a full-time job, plus a pretty intense TV watching schedule, so for the time being my recap blog will have to wait. But I've decided to half-assedly recap this season of American Idol.
I don't really know why I've chosen AI. Maybe it's because I'm hormonal and it's dark and cold and all I want to do is bundle up on my couch and watch adolescents perform the entire Barry Manilow songbook. Anyway, you don't have to watch the show to read my recaps, as mostly I will be giving people nicknames and making fun of their outfits and making as many references to Brian Dunkleman as I possibly can.
So last season, apparently the finale stage was on fire, or something, maybe because Adam Lambert was gay? And that lit Paula Abdul's moonshine-filled Coke mug aflame and she exploded? So now Ellen DeGeneres is a judge. At least I think that's what happened; I didn't really watch last season. Or the season before that. Also, I think the AI opening credits use the same technology as Avatar.
Anyway, season 9 starts in Boston, and the premiere is two full hours, so I expect we'll get approximately 200 days of painfully drawn-out auditions before the actual competition starts. I know that the reason the auditions get so much air time is that a lot of people love to watch the bad singers, the criminally deluded people who not only believe that their off-key rendition of "Vision of Love" is amazing, but who also feel compelled to dress like assholes while doing it. I, however, have such a strong aversion to watching people get humiliated that I have to mute the TV and avert my eyes.
Luckily the American Idol producers make it pretty clear who's going to suck right off the bat. Much like you might avoid sitting next to a person on the subway who is wearing a hat made of tin foil, you can often spot an American Idol reject before they even open their mouth.
Take, for example, the first auditioner, who resembles Helen Hunt fallen on hard times and dressed like she's on her way to an NKOTB concert and who jumps up and down in the bathroom shouting inspirational messages at her reflection. I don't know what she sang, but I know it blew. And the guy with cystic acne, and who loves Chris Brown for "touching children"? Survey says: He sucks. Farmer Ted from Sixteen Candles comes in and screams "Womanizer" by Britney Spears while slapping his thighs like he's riding himself in the Kentucky Derby. Later on, a LaToya Jackson female impersonator announces that he will be singing "Every Time We Touch." MUTE.
On the flip side, if an auditioner gets a heartfelt montage complete with touching backstory before they start to sing, they are automatically going to Hollywood. The first of these is a sweet-faced teenager named Maddie who has four brothers with Down Syndrome, three of them adopted. I mean, really. My only question is: When did the AI producers have time to go to her house and film them running in slow motion? There is also a Portuguese teen whose grandmother has Alzheimers and a slightly more butch, brunette Lance Bass doppelganger who survived cancer. John Krasinski auditions, disguised as an emaciated 1970s drummer with two broken wrists and an Afro. He is also in.
So, yeah. Until we get to the top 12 or 16 or whatever I refuse to go into any more detail. Who knows if I'll even keep this up. Whatever. DUNKLEMAN!