Sunday, February 22, 2009

OSCARS: The Live-blog

6:01 My mom's smoke alarm is going off, drowning out Seacrest. Whooooo, the games have begun!
6:02 Seacrest pretends that the Best Picture race is a nail-biter. Keep the dream alive, buddy.
6:04 Ben Lyons of E!: "The big question is, are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie going to finally have the confrontation with Jennifer Aniston?"
My mom: "I'll tell you, that Brad Pitt is not worth fighting over."
6:04 Miley Cyrus and Emile Hirsch are there. Things are looking up; I remember back when Steve Guttenberg was the first on the red carpet.
My mom: "Miley Cyrus ... she should go back where she came from." And she hasn't even started drinking! I predict: Mom, the star of the Oscar live-blog.
6:09 And seriously, y'all. She comes off like a spoiled biatch.
6:11 Jay Manuel! Aaaaah! Wearing a polka dot white tux! Time for wine.
6:12 Killing time by doing flashbacks of red carpets past. Showing gowns way nicer than what we'll likely see.
6:13 Miley's dress is kind of a Marion Cotillard knockoff from 2007.
--Commercial break--
6:19 Hugh Jackman: "I've had three drinks." If only he wasn't joking.
6:21 Jackman jokes about being naked in a bathhouse. Not helping the gay rumors.
6:23 Seacrest is interviewing someone who I have never seen before. Am I slipping? I even know who Demi Lovato is!
--Commercial break--
6:30 Taraji P. Henson looks gorgeous. Jennifer Grey always scares me with her new nose. Zac Efron needs to cut his hair. Yay, I'm old!
6:31 Vanessa Hudgens. BOR-ing. Once I was on a plane and she was in first class, and I was haunted by the idea that if the plane went down, the newspaper headlines would read "VANESSA HUDGENS KILLED IN FIERY CRASH."
--Commercail break--
6:36 Seacrest is killing time by getting Kevin Kline and Phoebe Cates to dish on their American Idol favorites. Really?
6:38 So past winners are going to be announcing the nominees ... why is this exciting? Don't they always do that?
6:40 Rundown of all of the multi-million dollar (but tasteful, because it's a recession!) afterparties.
--Commercial break--
6:41 Ok, first glass of wine. L'chaim!
6:45 The Slumdog kids! Aaaaah, cuteness! Seacrest doesn't speak Hindi.
6:46 Giuliana Rancic says "those kids are delicious!" Obviously she hasn't eaten in days.
6:48 Slumdog cast starting victory lap already. Melissa Leo looks very nice; has gone with hair-matches-dress strategy that got Susan Sarandon the Oscar for Dead Man Walking.
6:50 My mom: "That Dev Patel is so cute." Agreed.
6:51 Oh my God. If Dev and Frieda Pinto are dating I will kvell. Or kvetch.
6:52 Seacrest gets John Legend into a Dev-and-Frieda sandwich. I want a bite!
6:53 Oh my Lord, Giuliana and Seacrest are embarassing Dev and Frieda to no end. Awkward!
6:55 Heidi Klum and Seal are so good-looking. They should have a cage match with Brangelina.
6:58 Viola Davis looks resplendent. I bet there will be an upset in the Supporting Actress race for her or Taraji.
7:03 Red seems to be a hot color this year, with Heidi Klum and Amy Adams rocking my fave hue. Holla!
--Commerical break--
7:13 Everybody is acting like there will be amazing surprises during the telecast. Them's fightin' words, y'all. You'd best not get our hopes up.
7:15 Amy Adams' necklace is made of gumdrops. Maybe.
7:16 Robert Pattinson, vampire heartthrob: Probs gay.
7:17 SJP has a boobalicious silver dress on. Evan Rachel Wood is rocking a cream-colored gown that shows off her neck tattoo. My mom: "What made her think that tattoo was a good idea?"
7:19 Natalie Portman looks Puerto Rican with a good tan and a Pepto-Bismol colored gown. My mom: "You have to be vaguely grotesque to be a movie star. And the women have to have really enormous mouths."
--Commercial break--
7:26 I don't like Anne Hathaway's dress. I can't put my finger on why. Robin Wright-Penn looks so sad. Buttercup, what happened? Go back to Westley! Sean Penn seems really intense.
7:27 Mickey Rourke says that Jean-Paul Gaultier did him "a real solid" by giving him a tux. Awesome. I really hope he wins...he says fuck a lot in his speeches.
7:31 Queen Latifah will be performing during my favorite part of the Oscars: The dead people montage. Who will win the clap-o-meter this year?
7:33 Jay Manuel schools me on Anne Hathaway's dress: "They're called pailettes, people." Whatevs, Jay, I still think it's ugly.
7:35 That's Peter Gabriel???? "In Your Eyes" has taken on a whole new meaning. I always pictured John Cusack singing it.
7:37 Jessica Biel's dress makes it look like she has a boob goiter. Not good.
--Commercial break--
7:42 Ok, I take it back -- white is the color this year. Penelope Cruz is pretty. Jeff: "Philip Seymour Dumpy." (He is just stopping by for dinner. He doesn't like the Oscars. And yet I married him anyway.) My mom: "Ooh, now we're talking. Daniel Craig."
7:44 Kate Winslet looks OK. Angelina Jolie is wearing black. Jesus, woman! Would it kill you to wear something interesting?
7:46 Beyonce: Oh honey NO. This will get panned.
--Commercial break--
7:51 Tilda Swinton, you so crazy. Wearing a droopy flesh-colored top. OK, I take it back -- Kate Winslet looks beautiful.
7:53 Ben Lyons back with the poll results for Best Picture. Gasp! Slumdog Millionaire. You think?
--Commercial break--
7:58 Seacrest gets about ten seconds with Brad Pitt. Oh well, better than when he chased them unsuccessfully at the Golden Globes.
7:59 Ok, switching over to ABC and Tim Gunn!
8:01 Who is Robin Roberts? I think Tim Gunn and my mom should be BFF. Mom on Winslet:"Her hair is sprayed into a helmet."
8:03 Amy Adams' dress is actually not that cool. SJP has a belt AND a tulle skirt. Yikes! I love Taraji P. Henson. I hope she wins.
8:05 My mom tells me that Frank Langella and Whoopi Goldberg were a couple. Mind officially blown.
--Commercial break--
8:09 Valentino is Oompa-Loompa-colored.
8:10 Tim Gunn and Mickey Rourke should have a sitcom. Consider that idea copyrighted, fools!
8:16 Ok, actually Anne Hathaway looks pretty. Tonight is a night of rescinding bitchy comments.
8:17 Don't worry, and also making them!
--Commercial break--
--Also, dinner break--
8:30 Yay!!! They're starting.
8:31 Ooooh, sparkly. Good start! Hugh looks dapper.
8:32 Musical number. Hmmmmm .....
8:34 "Ladies and gentlemen, the Craigslist dancers!" Awesome.
8:35 The Frost/Nixon with Anne Hathaway was actually good, but I'll never forgive her for hitting on my college boyfriend (True story.)
8:38 "I'm Wolveriiiiiiiiiiiine!" A+
8:42 Best Supporting Actress montage.... first awards a' comin'!
8:43 Woah, five people... how is this going to work?
8:44 I'm thinking this will be Viola or Taraji, but I'd be happy with Penelope.
8:47 And the Oscar goes to ... Penelope!!!! And she has to kiss 5 people.
8:50 Great speech. Sorry, was busy drinking. Mom is dabbing tears from her eyes.
--Commercial break --
8:54 Tina Fey and Steve Martin...yay! She looks awesome.
8:57 Best original screenplay ...Dustin Lance Black for Milk.
8:58 Wow. Great speech. Touching and real. 2 for 2.
8:59 Best adapted screenplay ... Slumdog? 1st of the night ...? Yes! Slumdog! Good speech. 3 for fucking 3.
9:03 Jennifer Aniston presents! Reaction shots from Brad and Angelina? Yup... there's Angie. It's like high school.
9:05 This animated montage seems made for stoners.
9:07 Wall-E wins. Yay! (I didn't see the others).
9:10 First ESL winner. Fun! I didn't mean that bitchily.
--Commercial break--
9:14 My mom and I agree, so far, so good.
9:16 SJP and Daniel Craig sex up Art Direction. And the Oscar goes to ... Benjamin Button.
9:20 Costume design ... The Duchess. Yawn. They should just give out the acting and directing and Best Picture awards. It would be one Power Hour. You know I'm right. Wine makes me sleeeepy.
9:22 My mom: "The Brits always do best, even when they're giving boring speeches." Word.
9:23 Best Makeup: Benjamin Button. This is an Oscar for making Brad Pitt look old. The dude is reading off a list, super boring.
9:25 Robert Pattinson and Amanda Seyfried present a retrospective on... romance? She is visibly aroused. The montage pits Wall-E and Eva against human movie couples. Robots win.
--Commercial break--
9:31 Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller, dressed up like Joaquin Phoenix. Awesome! "You look like you work at a Hasidic meth lab."
9:34 Winner ... Slumdog Millionaire!
--Commercial break--
9:39 They made Jessica Biel boring. And I still hate her dress.
--Commercial break ... that was fast--
9:44 Judd Apatow short = comedy gold.
9:47 James Franco is so very hot.
--Commercial break--
9:52 I love you, Hugh. Sing it.
9:53 Why do people think that vagina-dusting fringe is demure? (Ahem, Beyonce...)
9:54 ...But I won't hate on your musical revue because I am digging it.
9:56 But Zac and Vanessa can get off the stage.
9:57 My mom: "Is this a send-up?"
--Commerical break--
10:01 Best supporting actor montage. When Heath wins, somebody better make a touching speech.
10:03 Joel Grey is sooooooo cute.
10:03 Why is Philip Seymour Hoffman wearing a hat? Take it off, dude.
10:05 What ever happened to Cuba Gooding Jr.?
10:06 OMG Michael Shannon and Christopher Walken are like doppelgangers. Right down to the haircut.
10:07 And the Oscar goes to ... Heath Ledger. His family is accepting. Good.
10:11 Crying. Am a sap.
10:13 I want Werner Herzog to narrate my E! True Hollywood Story.
10:14 Best Documentary Oscar goes to ... Man on Wire. Philippe Petit is there!!! And he balanced an Oscar on his chin! And did magic! Can he host next year?
--Commercial break--
10:23 Don't they always talk about how to make the Oscars shorter? How about no four-minute action montages?
10:30 I know sound is important, but zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
10:32 But the Slumdog sound engineers are pretty great.
10:35 Film editing ... Slumdog! Dev Patel is raising the roof!! I heart him. He can be my third husband after John Krasinski.
10:37 "When we return, a tribute to Jerry Lewis." Just what you want to hear.
--Commercial break--
10:41 Damn, Eddie Murphy! Where'd they find him?
10:42 Jerry Lewis is a humanitarian? Oh. muscular dystrophy. Must ... not ... make ... joke.
10:46 But his speech was short. My mom: "He's not in good shape ... they never give it to anyone who's going to live more than six months." Ha! But also, sad.
--Commercial break--
10:51 Best score ...Alicia Keyes looks hot! And the winner is ... Slumdog Millionaire. Yaaaay.
10:58 I love you, John Legend. You can be my fourth husband.
11:00 Best original song: Jai ho for the win!
11:01 YES. R.A. Rachman chose between hate and love, just like Radio Raheem from Do the Right Thing.
--Commercial break--
11:04 Damn, I've been watching TV for five hours. Not like that's a record for me or anything.
11:06 Foreign language film ... Depatures from Japan. The night's first big upset! I thought it would be Waltz With Bashir.
--Commercial break--
11:11 The deceased montage! I think Paul Newman wins the clap-o-meter ... but they are doing it in a way that makes it hard to see the names.
--Commercial break--
11:18 Reese Witherspoon gives the directing Oscar. I say Danny Boyle, final answer.
11:20 And the winner is ... Danny! Who jumps like Tigger. Amazing. And seriously, the guy who choreographed the dance at the end of Slumdog is a genius.
--Commercial break--
11:25 Best actress montage! We're in the home stretch.
11:29 If Melissa Leo upsets Kate I'll hit her.
11:31 Nicole Kidman's dress is unraveling!
11:32 Kate! Women supporting other women makes me smile.
11:33 I've done my Oscar speech in the bathroom too. But more often I do one-sided Vanity Fair interviews.
11:35 Wow, she told Meryl Streep to suck it. Well, suck it up. But still.
11:36 Best actor montage ... My mom calls Robert DeNiro "Daddy Bob," which I will explain at a later date.
11:39 Jeff Spicoli totally just got a shout-out at the Oscars.
11:40 It's the dad from Six Feet Under!
11:42 Do Sir Ben Kingsley and Mickey Rourke know each other? Because he should so be in the sitcom with Tim Gunn.
11:43 Upset! Sean Penn! Wowza. "I know how hard I make it to appreciate me." "You commie, homo-loving sons of guns." He's redeemed himself. Now go home, Sean, and appreciate that you are married to Princess Buttercup (who you didn't thank). Respect!
11:47 Best picture. Jai ho! I hope they dance.
11:52 And....? Yay!!! Slumdog takes it all! And they play Jai ho!
11:55 Dance. DANCE! I'm tired!
11:56 Till next time, Oscars. You sucked way less this year. Keep it up.
11:57 LaMarche, out.
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[Live-blogging?] the Oscars

So I decided that tonight I would live-blog the Oscars, mostly so I wouldn't have to recap them or make any commentary after the moment had passed. Also because my mom and I will be wining it up. But my laptop broke ages ago and so I will have to use my Mom's which, even though she has wireless internet, isn't really reliable unless you are sitting in a certain spot (a spot from which, naturally, it is impossible to watch TV).

Anyway, point being: maybe you will get a live-blog, or maybe you will get a live-typed reaction which will then be blogged at midnight. Why I am even acting like you care is beyond me--if anyone is actually refreshing this site for a live Oscar recap, I will die of shock.

XOXO.
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Saturday, February 21, 2009

You Had Me at Vigilante

Our house is falling apart, and the latest thing to go is our kitchen sink. I came home on Wednesday to find Jeff sopping up two inches of standing water that had pooled below the pipes with the ShamWows I gave him for Christmas. This sent me into a kind of catatonic panic attack, as I had just come home from a very late and stressful day at work, so even though my loving husband was on his knees elbow-deep in mildew-y water, I screamed into a pillow and went to watch LOST in the living room, clutching a wine glass close to my breast (I use "breast" here to mean chest; I did not favor one particular boob. Just clarifying.)

Anyway, that leads me to the reason that I stayed home today waiting for the plumber to come (Jeff to me this morning: "It's your favorite kind of day!" Me: "Why?" Jeff: "Because you don't have to go outside." Sad, but true.) He was supposed to come between 12 and 4, but I got a voice message around 2 asking me to call the company, Vigilante Plumbing—a name suggesting that perhaps you shouldn't expect to know when they're coming for you. But I called, and a woman answered thusly:

"It's a wonderful day at Vigilante Plumbing. My name is Gwen. How can I make you smile?"

I didn't know how to tell her that simply hearing that sentence was more than enough. My God! She delivered it politely, without sarcasm or comic deadpan, and I know that with most plumbing places, you're lucky to get a grunt, but man. That poor woman. I will never understand why employers force their receptionists to follow a souped-up script. There are a lot of things that benefit from a little bit of flair, but "Hello" is not one of those things.

Also, that level of professionalism kind of cramps the vigilante style. I'm just saying.
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Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Bish, Please

Jeff takes my photo a lot for projects, and it can yield some FANTASTIC results.


While I am not drunk in the photo, this frame captures perfectly the look I would give someone if I were drunk and trying to give them a sassy eye roll. Just so y'all know what it looks like when it happens to you.
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Nerd Trip!

In keeping with our recent tradition of doing things long overdue in relation to our wedding, Jeff and I finally cashed in a gift certificate some friends gave us for a romantic weekend in—you guessed it—the Delaware River Valley!

It must be said that perhaps we should have gone at a nicer time of year, but we just had to get out of the city, and so we rented a Zipcar and drove up to a quaint and deserted inn in Forestburgh, NY. Sadly, we were too late for kayaking:


But the swings still worked! And we had a lovely room with a fireplace and a Whirpool bath built for two. (Also, cable TV: YES!)


On our first day, we decided to see some historic sites, such as the Stone Arch Bridge Historical Park!


The bridge you see below may look like it was built in the Middle Ages, but in fact it was built about the same time that John A. Roebling built the Brooklyn Bridge! Unfortunately, word did not reach the Delaware River Valley, and two German brothers thought they had created a great structure. Incidentally, the Stone Arch Bridge would be known chiefly for a hex murder that was committed on it in the 1890s.


While Jeff took photos, I decided to use the hood of my coat as a makeshift sled, with mixed results.


Next, we drove (well, Jeff drove: he still does not trust me behind the wheel) to....


The site of one of the lamest of all Revolutionary War battles, the Battle of Minisink (which, Jeff quipped, was just next to the hamlet of Minifridge. He's a keeper.)

The trail of said Battle, which pretty much saw the Delaware Valleyans get their asses handed to them by the Indians, was long and snowy. You know things are dire when you start taking pictures of yourselves looking bored:


BUT there were some rocks to jump from. Bonus.



Next, we visited the Roebling Delaware Aqueduct, built by John A. Roebling, who apparently gets around!


The rest of the weekend was spent, alternately, bathing and watching Survivorman marathons on the Science Channel. Nerdiest vacation ever? Only time will tell ...
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Sunday, February 15, 2009

Why I Continue to Read CNN Online is Beyond Me

Wait, that guy thinks Obama is doing a bad job? There's a credible source for you! No bias there. No siree bub.
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Saturday, February 14, 2009

Our Love Has No Freezer Burn

Jeff and I never got around to eating our year-old wedding cake tier on our first anniversary last October, so I had the bright idea of eating it on Valentine's Day, the most romantic of fake holidays, instead. Here is where the cake has been rotting living, frozen in carbonite à la Han Solo (please forgive the utter grossness of our freezer).

We had not seen the cake since our wedding on October 19, 2007. It was wrapped and handed to us by the staff at the Palm House as we were drunkenly ushered out to our waiting car. After five layers of tin foil, the 483 day-old cake revealed itself itself in all of its cracked brown glory.

Jeff had the amazing idea to recreate the cutting of the cake. Unfortunately, the excitement was too much for me and I farted while we were waiting for the self-timer to go off. This is the resulting photo:

It's actually better than our real cake-cutting photos. I should have farted then!

Below, I taste a morsel of the confection (full disclosure: the cake was not all that good when it was fresh, so we did not have high hopes).


Our hopes were right on target; the cake was stale and the icing had aged to a chalky consistency with hints of coagulated coffee:


Jeff was even less impressed:


Satisfied that we had fulfilled our marital duty, we decided to finally put the cake out of its misery.

On our 10th anniversary, maybe I'll try on my dress and cry!
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Friday, February 13, 2009

Confessions of a Hollywood Cliché


The jig is up: my job is not actually as glamorous as it sounds. This piece on the Daily Beast helpfully points that writing a 400-word weekly column could not pay the rent on a one-bedroom brownstone apartment in the East 70s (ahem, Carrie Bradshaw)

Willa Paskin writes: 
"[Confessions of a] Shopaholic may be the last hurrah for one of Hollywood’s most time-tested archetypes—the sassy magazine editor as romantic comedy heroine."

Nooooooooooooooooo, Willa! Don't say such things! At least not until I've been offered a role opposite John Krasinski in Boston Common: The Movie

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Thursday, February 12, 2009

Today in Bad CNN Headlines


So I saw this (the main headline on CNN's website) and was kind of flummoxed. Why would police bother cool parents when there are so many criminals at large? And look at this woman. She really is the coolest. She even has a cool mugshot. I bet she lets her kids eat junky cereal. Then I read the intro:

Oh. So that's why the word 'cool' is in single quotations. Because it really means enabling. I'm actually relieved, because for a second there I was really worried about Rufus Humphrey.

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Venting to A Captive Audience

I am in a really pissy mood today. I have a headache and my belt is too tight and everything out of everyone's mouths makes me want to smack them. I forgot my makeup bag in the kitchen because I was trying to apply lipstick in natural light this morning and now my lipstick is gone and besides that I am shiny and I have no powder. A writer keeps incessantly emailing me as to when I'd be ready to speak on the phone and I don't understand why some people feel they cannot express themselves through email and must instead call me over and over without leaving a fucking message. I missed LOST last night and now I don't know when the fuck the island is or who died, and I ate my lunch at 11 am and now I am hungry but I won't let myself get more food because I have been eating nonstop lately and am pretty sure I've gained a few pounds and when I get bloated I become incredibly self-punitive. Last night I got a letter saying that there is a new company handling my transit reimbursement claims so I am not getting my $162 anytime soon, which is a shame because I am poor. There are a bunch of dishes in the sink and I promised Jeff I'd do them but now I don't want to. I'm behind on my writing but all I want to do is watch TV and feel sorry for myself. We have no decent food in the house and I have been making the same, sad pita pizzas for days because I have recession guilt and have convinced myself that I should eat what I have and not let it go to waste, but I really want to order sushi and charge it to my credit card. I can't win Scrabble against the computer without cheating and I have a birthday present for my 10 year old cousin on my desk that I have not mailed and her birthday was Dec. 24 and I am a terrible person.

Sigh. But at least I know it could be worse.
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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

You Just Got BossCocked!

First we got RickRolled, now we've been BossCocked! I knew that clip was meant for bigger things.
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Friday, February 6, 2009

Deconstructing Barbie

As a kid, I loved behind-the-scenes explanations of how things are made, i.e. the crayon segment on Sesame Street—I think that's why I got into documentary film in my early career, and it's definitely what compelled me to buy season one of Unwrapped from the Food Network website. (I suspect I may be the first person to have actually purchased something from them, as evidenced by the number of unsolicited emails I receive daily).

Anyway, I was thrilled to discover this photo essay about the making of Barbie dolls. I learned many fun facts. For example ....


...did you know that in Ancient Egypt, Barbie mummies were buried with their owners?


...or that the mold for the Barbie head is actually modeled after Andre Gonzalo from Season 2 of Project Runway?


... or that there was a short-lived but highly popular Witness Protection Program Ken?


If the wrong person (read: me) were to have access to the head molds, they might get the idea to make highly inappropriate chocolate popsicles (New Asian ... love that flavor).


And a good job for prison inmates might be to stitch Barbie's hair onto her finished head. I imagine it gets out a lot of aggression!


And finally, if you go out with someone and don't really hit it off, but they get the wrong idea and keep asking you out, I bet this would be a good thing to set up in your living room to scare them off (Jeff, in the interest of full disclosure, I once did this to my Jem doll after giving her a buzz cut):


I love learning new things. Happy weekend!
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BLAM! My Exclusive Interview with Barack Obama


The audiobook of Dreams from my Father has yielded some truly invaluable mp3 files of our President swearing like a mofo whilst impersonating his friend Ray, who is a character in the book.

This opens up all sorts of "Make-Your-Own-Conversation" possibilities. Imagine me, a young journalist from New York, having the chance to interview the new leader of the free world...

Me: Mr. President, how do you feel your first term is going so far? Sucks about some of your appointments.
Obama: “This shit’s getting way too complicated for me.”
Me: I hear you. But trust me, you are WAY better than McCain would've been.
Obama: “You know that guy ain’t shit. Sorry-ass motherfucker ain’t got nothing on me.”
Me: Ha! Why didn't you just say that during the debates? He would've shit himself.
Obama: “Blam!”
Me: Totally. Oh man, you are so awesome. Can we hang out sometime?
Obama: “Sure you can have my number, baby!”
Me: Holy shit, I didn't think that would actually work.

And I couldn't find a way to fit this in, but it must be said: “You ain’t my bitch, nigga! Buy your own damn fries!”
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Thursday, February 5, 2009

When Shoe Shopping Goes Awry

Nooooo! No no no no no!

All I was doing was browsing shoes during my lunch hour, but I must have offended someone because fate led me to a crappy markdown shoe site where I discovered that there is a bootie named after me. A BOOTIE.



Not only a canklemaking bootie but an UGLY canklemaking bootie. With a BOW. And criss-cross leather detailing.

Oh GOD. My eyes. MY EYES. The horse poster was better than this.



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Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Let's Talk About EX

I'm stealing this from Gawker, but you know, I don't have all day to discover new born-again Christian T-shirt sites.

Man, oh man.  You totally could not pay me enough to wear that T-shirt. One that said "MASTURBATOR" would even be OK, but the "EX" makes it all preachy. Plus you instantly imagine the person masturbating, which I don't think is what God had in mind when He created these cheap sweatshop Jesus tees.

These models aren't selling them very well, though. I can't put my finger on what it is. Their smiles seem forced. Maybe they're ... tense.

My sister told me I should post a haiku on the blog today, and this seems like the perfect opportunity.

Ex-masturbators:
Can you please convert the old
man on the F train?

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Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Prognosis: We need a Life-o-Plasty



Una has often used her blog to share her thoughts about popular culture, and she has also dedicated much of her life to absorbing as much of it as possible through every pore and orifice (oh, yes).

Ew, Jeff, my parents read this.

I am merely suggesting that you may have actually WORN OUT your eyes in the service of television. I thought it was high time we gave the treatment to your latest obsession: Nip/Tuck.

Was that a dig at my glasses? Anyway, yes, I have been watching a lot of Nip/Tuck lately, and let me just say that I don't even like it that much anymore but I've watched three seasons, I've stuck with it through a weird serial-killer-with-no-penis plot (P.S. Jeff, halfway through this sentence: That's a run-on sentence, editor. Me: Sometimes I write run-on sentences on purpose) and a baby with no fingers and I am NOT ABOUT to stop now.

Let me just admit that I was drawn in by the first season: it is a compelling conceit and it offered a lot of commentary about our society. Also, boobs.

Yes, but boobs coming OUT of bodies, not going in. There is a lot of graphic surgery on that show. Do not ever watch it if you are considering getting lipsocution, I am so serious. It looks like tapioca pudding! And they suck it out with, like, a vaccuum.

Una can't seem to stomach watching any of the surgery footage - which is all makeup anyway - and so has her eyes averted from the screen for at least ten minutes every show. (Just because I don't like blood doesn't mean I don't love drama. Gawd.) But the ick factor is not the problem with this show. It is the fact that it, like every other medical drama, seems compelled to write in a segment about once every three or four episodes where another major character has to go under the knife. To wit:

Sean: The handsome lead with the watery blue eyes has to have his cheeks stitched back together (Una: You should specify, "his face cheeks.") Also, he got his finger cut off.

Christian: (his partner) Also needed new face cheeks. Also tried to set his own broken nose (which was broken by a woman's crotch.)

Kimber: (Christian's ex-girlfriend slash corrupter of Christian's-I-mean-Sean's-child with Scientology, and also she's a porn star) Also needed new FACE cheeks. Also she had her boobs done and redone, and she got a new nose and then a new-new nose and her love lines (on her palms) extended.

Quentin: (Their third-season-slump partner who turned out to be a serial killer with no penis - see above - but who looked like a field mouse) Slashed his own face cheeks (or was it his sister who also needed to get her face cheeks fixed?) Quentin is brought into the show to fix Sean's face cheeks but then Quentin needs his own fixed. Also, he may have been sleeping with his sister.

Julia: (wife of Sean, lover of Christian, mother of Christian/Sean's love child, Matt, who Sean THOUGHT was his son for seventeen years but is actually Christian's, and a middle blond child who is boring and lame, and the aforementioned web-footed child -- or I said no fingers, but really they are more like lobster claws -- who has not yet been born) Julia walked through a plate glass window after getting doped up on pain killers to ease the pain of the boob job that Sean wouldn't do and so she needed Sean to fix her fucked up face. Then Sean took out her implants during the same surgery.

Matt: (Son of Julia and Sean/Christian—who is terribly cast, as he actually looks like the son that Peter Dinklage and Dopey would have had—who dated a lesbian, then fell for a post-op tranny, then beat up a pre-op tranny, and then became a skinhead) Matt was actually the first major character to undergo drama-filled surgery when he tried to circumsize himself. Then daddy Sean had to fix it. Then Matt got beat up by the pre-op tranny and his friends. After they finished peeing on him, Matt ran home and had daddy Sean fix his bwoken little button nose. THEN, he was forced to perform another wang surgery when his ex-girlfriend's skinhead dad made him cut off the same pre-op tranny's penis (but they were friends by then, so I guess that makes it worse.)

Ava (the POST-op tranny who Matt fell in love with, not knowing that she was A) a dude and B) having sex with her adopted son with Alec Baldwin!): Decided that after she is confronted by Matt's parents about her statutory relationship with their son and her incestual relationship with her own son, the thing to do was to ask Sean for a vaginal fixer-upper. Then her son kills himself but Matt is blamed for awhile and she runs away to Paris.

OMG Why aresn't we watching this right NOW? I have re-convinced myself that it is awesome! This show is fucking nuts.

Plastic surgery for everyone!





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Because Jeff Refused to Let Me Dictate This From Bed and Transcribe It For Me

Oh my Lord, I am soooooooooooo lazy. Dudes, I haven't got jack shit to blog about, and do you know why? Because I am too busy watching crap television and drinking wine. But you know what? I like that more than blogging. I am like the least ambitious person ever, which sucks, because I also have an elitist, I'm-better-than-everyone attitude, and that just makes it all the more annoying when people who watch less TV surpass me on the great ladder of life.

But seriously, if not for Gossip Girl (watched belatedly on the iPod) and Friday Night Lights (ditto) and Nip/Tuck (Netflix), I might have blogged today. I mean, better than this. Or at least finished my unibrow essay, which remains unfinished even though I gave myself a deadline of Jan. 31. I can't even meet my own deadlines! I am my own lazy employee!

Let's give Jeff credit, though—he dragged me out of bed and made me walk all the way across the apartment into the office, where I now sit, technically (if not artistically) writing. I think he got a big kick out of everyone liking our co-blog. I think he wants to blog more. Especially about Nip/Tuck, he says. OK, so let's do it to it.
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Monday, February 2, 2009

Mondays: Like a Crotch To the Face

I'm so glad you guys liked the post with guest-blogger Jeff. I should have more people guest blog for me ... maybe soon I can turn into a blog mogul like Nick Denton and just take all the credit for other people's writing ... mwahahaha.

I actually may have to do that, because I cannot think of a damn thing to write about today, but I want to meet my blog quota for the year, so I'm choosing quantity over quality. La la la, what can I talk about? This glasses thing is not as easy as I thought it would be. I'm nearsighted, so I don't need my glasses when I'm sitting at my desk, but I do need them to walk down the hall (that is, if I want to be able to identify people before I bump into them). So I'm constantly taking them off and putting them back on ... this may not seem like a trying thing, but remember: I'm lazy. Also I can already tell that they have made a dent in my hotness factor; fat old men at the bodega just don't look at me the same.

Also, totally unrelated, but how awesome was it when Bruce Springsteen crotch-bumped the camera during the SuperBowl halftime show? I'm sure it hurt him more than it hurt us, but still. The look on his face afterwards is priceless.

Actually, you know what? Let's see that again:



Happy Monday!
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