Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Twihard With A Vengeance

Image from Roflrazzi.com

So, Twilight. I feel like I have to address it. It's become like a pop culture swine flu (TwiFlu?), infecting loads of people and causing mass, shitstormy hysteria all over the world. All of the blogs I follow talk about it. It's taken over magazine covers, gossip columns, blind items, even Etsy. I feel like I'm being bullied into joining the sparkly fray; if I don't, I won't have any idea what's going on in, like, 90% of my guilty pleasure magazines and websites.

I've never read the books the series is based on, but I've seen Twilight. Twice, actually. The first time was after a particularly rowdy viewing party for ANTM, so I was drunk, and I just kept snorting and yelling "SAY IT! VAMPIRE!" at the TV and glugging more wine and I'm pretty sure we turned it off after an hour or so because it was so bad.


Then a few weeks ago I was home sick and I was weak and I decided to see what all the (sober) fuss was about so I watched it online. It was melodramatic and ridiculous and full of Intense Staring and Olympic-Level Moping, not to mention truly hilarious contact lenses the color of creme brulée (which means VAMPIRE, so run if you see them, do not stare into them licking your lips and thinking about the cracking sound when you rap your spoon into the burned, sugary top). But you know what? I kind of finally got it. Sure, Jacob looks like a butch Pocahontas with that hair, and Edward's longing for Bella makes him seem perpetually constipated, but the angsty fourteen year-old in me ached with pleasure when they finally kissed. I KNOW. I am NOT happy about this.

Luckily it's much easier to make fun of Twilight than it is to genuinely like it.

For example, the fans? Are crazy.

I'm not even talking about the person who constructed Bellas' uterus out of felt.

I'm talking about the girls (and perhaps a few gay boys) who are so obsessed with the saga that they would give anything to have Twilight be their life. Seriously, check it: My Life Is Twilight.

Did I ever tell you guys about Fuck My Life aka FML? It's this site where people post stories of how much their lives blow and then other people vote on the extent of the blowage. Well, My Life is Twilight operates on that same idea, except people write about how much their real life is like Twilight (usually by manipulation, i.e. "My best friend, who is female, is in my phone as 'Edward' our other room mate, who is male, is in my phone as 'Jacob'. Every room in the apartment is required to have a twilight poster.")

Some choice entries:

Today my boyfriend brought me into the woods and said we had to talk. Come to find out he was moving to Arkansas! I was so excited because he said it like exactly the same way Edward said it in New Moon! But then I realized he was breaking up with me. When I turned around he was already gone! MLIT!!

Today I was sunbathingand my bf came out shirtless to join me. I looked over at him and his chest was sparkling. When I asked him what he was doing he just smiled and said “I wanted to sparkle because I know how sexy you you think that Edward guy is”. He used a whole tube of body glitter. MLIT

Ok, fine, I'll play.


OMG! today I was putting on this shirt I got from Forever21 and I noticed that the tag said BELLA. What a unique brand name; what are the odds??? MLIT

Twilight is set in Forks, Washington, and there used to be a diner near my house called Silver SPOONS. Now it is an ill-advised theme restaurant called Fish N' Sips, but whatever. MLIT

My husband is Armenian, so his legs are hairy like a werewolf's. Team Jacob!!!! MLIT

In seventh grade I had a really pale lab partner with blond hair named Jared (ED!!!) Cohen (CULLEN!!!). We dissected owl pellets and he invited me to his bar mitzvah. MLIT

I suggest a new site for people who can smell desperation and who appreciate irony: F...MLIT!


  1. that MLIT site made me want to gouge my eyes out with a plastic spoon. And I've read all of the books (more than once, even) and seen both of the movies (not more than once). That was truly awful.

    I did, however, enjoy the graphic at the top of the post. That was FANTASTIC!

  2. Twilight is fucking Bible slash in the worst way...MORMOM Bible slash. It's awful. And yet, I get that Meyer tapped into our current sexually repressive zeitgeist and why teenagers/the teenagers who live inside us would get that. It just...bothers me on a feminist/thinking person level. That's all.

  3. I just saw that I wrote MORMOM instead of MORMON. WTF. Sorry about that.

  4. My husband is Armenian, so his legs are hairy like a werewolf's. Team Jacob!!!! MLIT


  5. Just when I thought I couldn't hate Twilight more...

    Fuck. me.

  6. I just discovered your blog. OMG, you are my sparkly new vampire love! MLIT! *winking my painful amber contact lensed eyes*

    P.S. Jacob's fright wig wins for Worst Vampire Movie Hair EVER, beating out previous title holder Antonio Banderas!

  7. Aw, thanks, PeaceBang. Antonio Banderas would make Twilight so much better. He should be the vampire father. Peter Facinelli is the color of white American cheese and for some reason (maybe that reason?) grosses me out.

  8. If you enjoy hideous crafts, check out this site: http://whatnottocrochet.wordpress.com/ It always makes me laugh. :)

    "OMG I wonder who named those pointy eating utensils after the town in the Twilight series! MLIT"

    I'm a new reader (and new blogger) and just wanted to say that I love your blog. When I pop in, I always get at least one smile from your posts, and even the occasional guffaw. Thanks for that! :)

  9. I love your blog! loooooooove it! But, I have to say, I am a twihard--- and not a twihard for the movies; a twihard for the books. YOU NEED TO READ THE BOOKS. Then you will understand : )


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