#2 I had, for lunch, the. Best. Sandwich. Ever. As soon as I finished I awarded it a coveted spot on my Top 5 Sandwiches of All Time list AND gave it a star on my Intestinal Walk of Fame. How awesome was this sandwich? Fucking awesome. It was a Vietnamese banh mi, with two kinds of pork, pickled carrots, cilantro, cucumber, and mayonnaise. I got it all over my desk, and my face (a co-worker kindly told me that I had a very NSFW blob of mayo on my lip, which is so fitting because I made love to that banh mi. Sorry Jeff.)
#3 From two separate neighbors in my building I have learned that I CAN get cable. This means that three years ago when I moved in, Time Warner and Cablevision lied to me, and I must consider the possibility that my mother orchestrated the whole thing so that I wouldn't ruin my eyes and rot my brain. Well I have news for you, mother. Watching The Real Housewives of Orange County on my tiny iPod nano is probably why I needed glasses. Plus, it's really hard to tell whose boobs are real on such a small screen, which is an integral part of understanding and appreciating that show. But help is on the way!
#4 I didn't wash my hair this morning and I do not resemble John Cusack or Cameron Diaz in Being John Malkovich.
#5 Tonight is my office Christmas party, Ludachristmas. It is named for Ludacris, who once called me on the phone (true story), and who sings my favorite revenge fantasy soundtrack song, "Get Back."
(Yup, I have a special soundtrack for imaginary cage matches/face-offs between myself and people who have wronged me. In the fantasies I am a mixed martial arts master and can also float like in The Matrix. For some reason "Jump Around" by House of Pain is also part of the soundtrack. This parentheses just gets more and more embarrassing. Luckily, this post is over now.)