Thursday, December 17, 2009

Sweatpants: A Love Story

I realized last night that Jeff and I share a pair of sweatpants. On me they are big and roomy; on him they are 70s gym clothes. For me they are sleeping sweatpants and eating sweatpants, and every fourth Monday or so they are my half-assed yoga DVD-doing sweatpants. For Jeff they are his playing-my-nerdy-war-game-on-the-internet sweatpants and also his I-don't-feel-like-putting-on-underwear sweatpants. Sometimes they are my I-don't-feel-like-putting-on-underwear sweatpants, too. We both go commando in these sweatpants, often without washing in between. And yes, since you asked, the magic is gone.

I don't think there is a more perfect item of clothing than sweatpants. They are stretchy and comfy and perfect for all occasions. Or at least, they will be once the genius who popularized formal shorts finds a way to blow up formal sweats (come on, asshole, you owe us).

My very first pair of sweatpants made me so happy that I wore them for 1st grade picture day:

Don't even be jealous, Soleil Moon-Frye. You know I look awesome.

My next pair of sweatpants were my so-called "warm-up" sweats for high school track. Underneath them I wore tiny shorts with built-in underpants that exacerbated my saddlebags, which was an added incentive not to ever take them off. Long after I quit track I kept my sweatpants. They came with me to college. They absorbed the smoke from my first joint and did not judge me when I gained ten pounds in my first semester (probably a direct result of the pot-smoking, and the entire blocks of cheddar cheese I would consume while stoned). They became my study sweatpants and then, senior year, my mourning sweatpants when I first got my heart broken for real. The summer after college I cropped them, because nothing is sexier than cropped, saggy sweatpants and you know it. I wore them to the corner bodega with tank tops and those flimsy Chinese slippers, and as I stood at the register clutching my toilet paper and Cheez Doodles, I noticed that not even the old men sitting outside on milk crates with their 10 am beers were looking at me. They became my invisibility sweatpants. My freedom sweatpants, if you will (like freedom fries, only more covered in ketchup). One day, under circumstances that I have since forgotten or blocked out, I discovered that I could pull the elastic waist up over my boobs and create a strapless, cropped sweat unitard. I wore it on my first date with Jeff.

Kidding. He wishes.

I don't have any photos of these magical sweatpants, because they were too awesome. Their beauty could not be captured on film. When a hole began to form in the crotch circa 2007 I thought yesssss, now I don't even have to take them off to pee! What I didn't realize is that it also meant I couldn't wear them to greet the Thai delivery man anymore--that is, without showing him my Pad See Ew. Eventually, and with great sadness, I got rid of them. Which brings me to my new marriage sweatpants.

Jeff bought them a few years ago, for himself, foolishly thinking that I would not fall in love with them. They're not much to look at—gray, bulky, nondescript but for an Old Navy logo on the left hip—but they are lined with cozy, fleece-like cotton and when I put them on they sink down to the floor, pooling around my feet so that it looks like I'm melting a la the Wicked Witch of the West. The baggy hips conceal even the most egregious PMS bloat, and I could probably walk out of a grocery store with an entire ham hidden in the soft, elephant-like folds of the ass. They are perfect, and I've grown not to mind the joint custody arrangement.

After all, it's pretty fucking sweet that after almost seven years together, we still want to get in each other's pants.


  1. read 'em and weep sister - my husband has two (count 'em - two) pair of grey sweats - both large and roomy on me. one is light weight for summer wear and the other heavy for these colder months.

    i'm a bit more fastidious about cleanliness so no commando on the left coast but will wear them until they almost stand up on their own.

    i'm changing into them as soon as i post this. life is good

  2. Anonymous9:54 AM

    i recently bought formal sweatpants. well, knit pants, ending just below the knee. they are fabulous. i now basically can go to work in my pjs... (which might explaing my sleepiness there).

  3. I LOVE sweatpants and have also devoted entire blog posts to them. The second I walk through my door after work I change into them. And once I'm in them. I'm not getting out of them. Mine are generally always covered in pug hair.

  4. Vanessa and I share a pair of sweats that I bought her. They say, "MIT Nerd Pride." I wear them more than her because they make me feel smart, even though V's the MIT grad. In other hilarious news, the word verification I have to type to post this comment is "Budessa." Which is now my new nickname for the missus.

  5. Joyful: I am so jealous. I'm sitting at work in cruel, itchy wool.

    M: Well I love YOU.

    Anon: I WANT. Please send link.

    Uncorked: Um, I have a blog crush on you, and not just because you love sweatpants.

    Lin: I know, word verification is drunk and keeps making things up. I think we should start compiling definitions. Love to you and V!

  6. You've made me fall in love with sweatpants all over again.

  7. Im new to your blog and I have to say your profile picture had me in tears! Mine was horrible. And I heart sweatpants

  8. Ari: I feel I've done my good deed for the year.

    Laurnie: Yes, my unibrow was real, and it was spectacular. I am loving your blog!

  9. L. Brand12:16 AM

    What is Jeff's nerdy war game he plays on the internet? He and I have something in common...

  10. LMAO My favorite pair of housepants are a pair of grass green sweats, the exact same color and style of the pair worn by Jason Segel in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. (Minus the tapered ankle crap...I hate that!!) Hubby razzes me relentlessly about it, but I wear those babies with PRIDE to the store, down the 2 frigging blocks to the apt. mailboxes, and would TOTALLY wear them to work if work wasn't filled with sweat-hating douchenuggets. =) We should start up a Sweat Aficionado Network of some sort, to let everyone know how awesome we are with our sweats. ;)

  11. i'll never think of Pad See Ew in the same way again.

  12. It is nice collection in online fashions clothes and other related product store .......

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