Friday, December 11, 2009

The Sassy Curmudgeon's Holiday Gift Guide, Part 7: Hookahs For Pimps

BFF and West Coast correspondent Anna drew my attention today to what she calls "the holy grail of douchebaggery": The Ed Hardy hookah.

$269. Heh... 69.

Now, Jezebel argues that using the word "douchebag" is passé, not least because The New York Times has finally printed it, and they are approximately four years behind any trend of any kind.

But this hookah defies any other descriptor. It is douchier than Jon Gosselin in an ad for Summer's Eve. It's the perfect gift for the man who already owns every other item of Ed Hardy merchandise, not to mention the entire Limp Bizkit musical canon, including Greatest Hitz. But make no mistake: this is also art. From the website:

"Ed Hardy's art surrounds the water-bowl. Quickly the tempo of the Hookah builds up across small shades of art cutting across the Hookah's body-sparkle. A third up the Hookah throat on the disco-ball are beautiful snippets of Ed Hardy's art. This art enters the Ash balcony constructed of glass. The Hookah is topped by a Beautifully shaped and smoothed Tobacco head. The Lightweight and aerodynamic hose is lightly touched with glittery-impressions running down the hose and then with its Ultra durable and flexible frame shapes itself across the Hookah's body."

Let's hear that again, with the homoerotic parts bolded:

"Ed Hardy's art surrounds the water-bowl. Quickly the tempo of the Hookah builds up across small shades of art cutting across the Hookah's body-sparkle. A third up the Hookah throat on the disco-ball are beautiful snippets of Ed Hardy's art. This art enters the Ash balcony* constructed of glass. The Hookah is topped by a Beautifully shaped and smoothed Tobacco head. The Lightweight and aerodynamic hose is lightly touched with glittery-impressions running down the hose and then with its Ultra durable and flexible frame shapes itself across the Hookah's body."

I think this calls for a protest, friends and countrymen. And I think I have just the made-up movement...

antidouchestablishmentarianism  
[an-tee-doush-uh-stab-lish-muhn-tair-ee-uh-niz-uhm]
noun
Def: Opposition to the proliferation of douches or douchebags, including but not limited to state support or recognition from an established church, esp. the Anglican Church in 19th-century England (William Wordsworth? Giant douche.)

*best euphemism ever
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