This is what the inside of Jesus' heart looks like.
One house had a plexiglass manger in which Joseph (or a wise man) had his staff positioned in an unfortunate manner. "Look!" cried my sister. "Joseph is beating Mary!"
We returned to my Dad's Brooklyn Heights apartment and commenced the present opening. One of the first gifts was the traditional Amazon-fucked-up-my-delivery card-in-lieu-of-actual-present, given to my father from Jeff. The card announced that the board game Diplomacy had been held up in "Satan's workshop" and would be arriving imminently.
"Did you mean to write 'Satan'?" my dad asked.
"What? No!" Jeff looked stricken. Hahahaha. Diplomacy is for Satan worshippers. No wonder the UN looks like a high school gym.
I got quite a haul, including some books I've been wanting (The Collected Stories of Lydia Davis and Mary Karr's Lit) and an amazing compilation called Lost Crafts by a woman named Una McGovern that teaches you forgotten skills like building stone fences, making rope, coopering ("I want to make barrels!" Jeff cried, a tad too enthusiastically for my liking), and blacksmithing. This is totally my Julie & Julia ticket to fame, y'all (Una & Una?). It is going to be like Old Sturbridge Village up in my house in 2010.
This freakishly looks exactly like Jeff. Welcome to my future.
Another gift I got was Season One of Breaking Bad, a show that I've never watched but which is on my list of shows to eventually become obsessed with to the point where I stop leaving my house. (Others in this category include It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and Battlestar Gallactica.) As soon as we got home, laden with our repulsive number of gifts, we cuddled up on the couch to watch.
I'm a big fan of Weeds, and Breaking Bad makes Weeds look like Dora the Explorer (with Dora and Boots heading to Mexico, naturally, to pick up a few pounds of chronic and learn about the division of una onza). Breaking Bad, about a cancer-ridden high school chemisty teacher who partners with a former student to cook meth, is fucking hardcore. Which is not to say it's not great... it's just hard. Fucking. Core. Like, in the second episode a dude gets dissolved in acid in a bathtub which eats through the porcelian and drops his entrails onto the floor below. It has set the bar pretty high for the next narcotics-based show, which I have just decided should be a heroin-centric HBO dramedy called Horse starring Thomas Jane as a drug-peddling ranch hand.
As always, Hollywood agents may contact me in the comments.