Monday, December 21, 2009

Dyker Heights + Satan + Methamphetamines = A Very Special Christmas

My Dad and his girlfriend are going to be in California for Christmas this year, so yesterday Jeff and I, along with my sister Zoe, celebrated five days early (our first of three Christmases, the secret upside to broken homes). We started with a Zipcar ride through Dyker Heights, a neighborhood in Brooklyn known for its over-the-top Christmas light displays. Think Clark Griswold meets Walt Disney.

This is what the inside of Jesus' heart looks like.

One house had a plexiglass manger in which Joseph (or a wise man) had his staff positioned in an unfortunate manner. "Look!" cried my sister. "Joseph is beating Mary!"

We returned to my Dad's Brooklyn Heights apartment and commenced the present opening. One of the first gifts was the traditional Amazon-fucked-up-my-delivery card-in-lieu-of-actual-present, given to my father from Jeff. The card announced that the board game Diplomacy had been held up in "Satan's workshop" and would be arriving imminently.

"Did you mean to write 'Satan'?" my dad asked.

"What? No!" Jeff looked stricken. Hahahaha. Diplomacy is for Satan worshippers. No wonder the UN looks like a high school gym.

I got quite a haul, including some books I've been wanting (The Collected Stories of Lydia Davis and Mary Karr's Lit) and an amazing compilation called Lost Crafts by a woman named Una McGovern that teaches you forgotten skills like building stone fences, making rope, coopering ("I want to make barrels!" Jeff cried, a tad too enthusiastically for my liking), and blacksmithing. This is totally my Julie & Julia ticket to fame, y'all (Una & Una?). It is going to be like Old Sturbridge Village up in my house in 2010.

This freakishly looks exactly like Jeff. Welcome to my future.

Another gift I got was Season One of Breaking Bad, a show that I've never watched but which is on my list of shows to eventually become obsessed with to the point where I stop leaving my house. (Others in this category include It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and Battlestar Gallactica.) As soon as we got home, laden with our repulsive number of gifts, we cuddled up on the couch to watch.

If cooking crystal in your undies is wrong, then Bryan Cranston doesn't want to be right.

I'm a big fan of Weeds, and Breaking Bad makes Weeds look like Dora the Explorer (with Dora and Boots heading to Mexico, naturally, to pick up a few pounds of chronic and learn about the division of una onza). Breaking Bad, about a cancer-ridden high school chemisty teacher who partners with a former student to cook meth, is fucking hardcore. Which is not to say it's not great... it's just hard. Fucking. Core. Like, in the second episode a dude gets dissolved in acid in a bathtub which eats through the porcelian and drops his entrails onto the floor below. It has set the bar pretty high for the next narcotics-based show, which I have just decided should be a heroin-centric HBO dramedy called Horse starring Thomas Jane as a drug-peddling ranch hand.

As always, Hollywood agents may contact me in the comments.



  1. oooh....i've always wanted to see breaking bad!

  2. I love it when acid eats through MY porcelain bathtub. Yeah.

  3. I totally recommend Breaking Bad, but it's not for the faint of stomach. Also it will make you think, wow, why haven't I ever tried making meth for money?

  4. So I am back reading and I don't even know if you will get a notification of the comment on month old posts but I started reading your blog and its fun and so I am killing th erest of my day with it.

    1) Battlestar Galactica- totally worth it. I haven't finished and may not for years... you see when I don't have it on hand I don't miss it at all- in fact I almost wondered whay I watched. Then the minute my boyfriend sits me in front of the tv dvds in hand, we don't watch anything else until the season is done.

    2) Kinda funny- you go to Dyker Heights and I go to Elcock Road for Christmas light spectacles. Apparently the Miller Drives and Sheridan Lanes of the world just can't cut it.

  5. yes *punches fist in air* breaking bad is AWESOME. it's just started here in oz and after the first episode I had to buy the full first season coz i couldn't wait. Who knew that Malcolm's dad was so amazing...


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