Monday, November 9, 2009

Wheel of Misfortune

Well, I was ABOUT to post a smooshy story about Jeff and how, when he wakes up in the morning, he looks just like a character from Margaret Wise Brown's The Little Fur Family, but as I was trying to open Blogger I got the spinny ball of death, like, four times in the span of a minute.

Smug little piece of shit.

I hate the spinny ball of death. Probably everybody does, unless you're really high and then it just probably confuses you. (BTW, if you are high right now, go here. It's weird, man.)

I looked it up, and the spinny ball of death even has its own Wikipedia entry! According to Wikipedia, the spinny ball of death is also referred to as:

"The spinning wait cursor" — Literal, but not evocative enough of its evil.

"Hypnowheel" — No. That would suggest that I'd get sleepy, not filled with a roid rage-type affliction common to the LaMarche family that I will call wait-rage.

"Spinning starlight mint of doom" — A) Starlight mints are red and white, fool. B) I don't want to eat it; I want to kill it and watch it die.

"Pride swirl" — Gays, do not take this lying down. (That's what she said.)

"Spinning pizza" — Ditto above, except "pizza," not "gays."

"Spinning pinwheel" or "Pinwheel of death" —Pinwheels: Not round. Next!

"Colorful wheel of thought" — Um, no. It's not thinking. It's mocking you.

"Rainbow ball of doom" — Misfits : Jem and the Holograms :: Rainbow ball of doom : Rainbow Brite

"The Wheel of Misfortune" — Someone please make this into a show. I bet Pat and Vanna have nothing better to do. Tanks of hot oil should be involved somehow.

"The beach ball of hell" or "Spinning beach ball of death" — New obstacle on WipeOut???

"Marble of doom" — This has its own website, too. And the really freaky part? It's dated from my wedding day... Jeff, did you set this up as a metaphor for how I am slowly draining your will to live?

Anyway, no matter what you call it, this thing needs a facelift. Can someone make it self-aware? Can it at least get musical accompaniment? Like maybe "You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)" by Dead or Alive? Can it tell jokes? Like, as it starts to spin, a pop-up box asks "What do you call cheese that's not yours?" and when the spinny ball of death finally stops another box says "NACHO CHEESE!" Or maybe make it look like Clive Owen's face, and have him start talking about something—anything, really, he could even just read kindergarten-level vocabularly cards, and I'd never notice the time pass.

Come on, Apple. You can do it!



  1. I was afflicted by this misfortune today, too! Maybe it was a widespread epidemic?
    (What do you even do when you get that stupid spinny thing? I always end up forcing a quit.)

  2. Chessa11:19 PM

    Isn't the Wheel of Misfortune when you are strapped to a spinning wheel and someone is throwing knives at/around you? Or is that too gentle a title? Should that be called The Wheel of Don't Throw! Don't Throw! ?

  3. my favorite is pride pie.

  4. oh dear sister...lets be realistic...the LaMarche wait-rage only worsens if loud or repetitive noise is present. If your computer tried to tell you a knock knock joke I bet you 20 bucks you'd pound on the key board with your fists ( this is what I do when my computer sends me into wait-rage fits). It might be satisfying if it said something like " I am a slow piece of shit". I'd like that.



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