So of course I spent the better part of this weekend cleaning the apartment, since without fail I wake up on Saturday morning to the bleak realization that all week I have been throwing shit into the sink hoping that it will disintegrate and disappear down the drain so I don't have to deal with it and also haphazardly flinging my underwear onto every single surface I can find. For his part, Jeff is constantly cultivating a pile of urban compost made up of receipts, almost-empty gum packs, and loose pennies, which he moves from table to table around the house, trying to find the right ecosystem, I guess, in which it will thrive.
Anyway, I started on the dishes but was soon distracted by rearranging my closet. I've been keeping a straw hamper in the back that holds all of the junk I clean from other places in the house but that I inexplicably don't want to throw away. Today I decided to do an archeological excavation.
Here's a fun relic: a bag of freeze-dried flower petals and a veil that I bought for my wedding but never used. I don't even remember buying these, although this blog tells a different story.
I've never used ketamine, but I definitely fell into a bridal K-hole for, like, six months in which I ordered stencils and labels and eight different pairs of shoes online, basically without even realizing it.
Speaking of K-holes, I also found what I thought was an old gym bag stuffed at the bottom of the hamper. I opened it warily, fearing two year-old sweaty gym socks, but instead this is what I found:
-A lace garter with a tiny pouch attached
-A paperback copy of Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential
Um, did I ho for cash to pay for my all my unused wedding accoutrements? I have no idea what I was doing with these things in one bag. That foundation's not even my color. Could the CIA have tapped me, Alias-style, to infiltrate a fancy restaurant that was really a cover for an international terrorist organization and seduce the sous chef while my partner, hopefully still played by Michael Vartan, collected computer files?
If you have any information, please email me immediately.