She Bangs

So my Around the Way Girl bangs from the Jessica Simpson fake hair collection finally arrived, two weeks after Halloween. WEAVE FAIL.

Here is how they look not attached to a head:


Here is how they look on a model:


And here is how they look on me:


Not so hot. Ignore the lemon-sucking look on my face; I am just looking at myself in the Photobooth window and realizing that I have SDS, or Shannen Doherty Syndrome, in which one's eyes are wildly asymmetrical. I'm not just being mean, either. Look.


I wouldn't be so worried except that side effects of SDS can include marrying and subsequently trying to run over a Hamilton. Anyway, at least the bangs come with payot!


If I wear my hair down, I can use them next year for a Joey Ramone costume!


To get my money's worth I'll have to find other uses for them. Maybe a dastardly mustache?


Or sexy chest hair?


I'm sure they'll come in handy sometime... Jeff and I own two mullet wigs, and let me tell you, they are so useful after we've had a few. MacGyver and Kate Gosselin really liven up a dinner party!

She Bangs