Monday, November 30, 2009

The Sassy Curmudgeon's Holiday Gift Guide, Part 6: AnthropoloGeode or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Get My F@#$ing Expensive Rocks Off

A Philadelphia correspondent just alerted me to something on the Anthropologie site. I might have seen it myself, but I've been avoiding Twee Heaven ever since I bought a shirt that:

A) has constrictive bat wings instead of arms; and
B) cost $98 and then immediately went on sale for less than half the price, but I couldn't return it because seriously I cannot move my arms. Send help.

Anyway, apparently Anthro has decided that it deals in rocks now. Yes, rocks. I guess this is good in one respect: Now crystal fiends can shop discreetly without having to walk into one of those weird stores like the one that just opened in my neighborhood called "Stoned," which I can't even bring myself to look at when I walk past because the inside looks like Prince's Purple Rain album ejaculated on everything and the name makes me cringe, thinking Dude, be cool.

So guess how much a quartz cluster costs at AnthropoloGee, I've Always Wanted To Eat My Cereal Out of a Wee Bowl Made of Felt*?

*no, for real

Have you guessed? $98. Now you tell me: Which of the below photos is the real crystal...


...and which is $1 worth of rock candy?


Similarly, who needs to pay $38 for pyrite...


When you can ball up a wad of tin foil for essentially the same effect?


A single $3.49 45-ft roll of Reynolds Wrap, and your Christmas shopping is done. Time for wine!

This "unearthed trivet" disk goes for $78...


...but I'm pretty sure I have a wizened, five-month old kiwi somewhere in my crisper that I can just lop in half. Instant glamour!

So there you have it: For $5, you can approximate $214 worth of merchandise. Just remember not to wrap the kiwi until right before you are ready to open gifts; it may disintegrate or start to smell. But at the end of the day, it's really the thought that counts.
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3 comments :

  1. wow, my grade school rock collection must be worth millions!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You should try to return them to Anthropologie for a full refund :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. You make me laugh, as always:) Oh and guess what, I'm prego ol' friend!

    ReplyDelete

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