Monday, November 30, 2009

The Sassy Curmudgeon's Holiday Gift Guide, Part 6: AnthropoloGeode or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Get My F@#$ing Expensive Rocks Off

A Philadelphia correspondent just alerted me to something on the Anthropologie site. I might have seen it myself, but I've been avoiding Twee Heaven ever since I bought a shirt that:

A) has constrictive bat wings instead of arms; and
B) cost $98 and then immediately went on sale for less than half the price, but I couldn't return it because seriously I cannot move my arms. Send help.

Anyway, apparently Anthro has decided that it deals in rocks now. Yes, rocks. I guess this is good in one respect: Now crystal fiends can shop discreetly without having to walk into one of those weird stores like the one that just opened in my neighborhood called "Stoned," which I can't even bring myself to look at when I walk past because the inside looks like Prince's Purple Rain album ejaculated on everything and the name makes me cringe, thinking Dude, be cool.

So guess how much a quartz cluster costs at AnthropoloGee, I've Always Wanted To Eat My Cereal Out of a Wee Bowl Made of Felt*?

*no, for real

Have you guessed? $98. Now you tell me: Which of the below photos is the real crystal...

...and which is $1 worth of rock candy?

Similarly, who needs to pay $38 for pyrite...

When you can ball up a wad of tin foil for essentially the same effect?

A single $3.49 45-ft roll of Reynolds Wrap, and your Christmas shopping is done. Time for wine!

This "unearthed trivet" disk goes for $78...

...but I'm pretty sure I have a wizened, five-month old kiwi somewhere in my crisper that I can just lop in half. Instant glamour!

So there you have it: For $5, you can approximate $214 worth of merchandise. Just remember not to wrap the kiwi until right before you are ready to open gifts; it may disintegrate or start to smell. But at the end of the day, it's really the thought that counts.


  1. wow, my grade school rock collection must be worth millions!!!

  2. You should try to return them to Anthropologie for a full refund :)

  3. You make me laugh, as always:) Oh and guess what, I'm prego ol' friend!


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