Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The Sassy Curmudgeon's Holiday Gift Guide, Part 3: Vermont Made

A few years ago, I was looking to buy Jeff a Monchichi doll for Christmas (since that was his childhood nickname—seriously, he was born with a full pelt of fur head of hair), and I stumbled upon the website for The Vermont Country Store. Not only did I get the Monchichi, I also bought like six packages of delicious lebkuchen—German cookies that are like pillowy discs of chocolate-covered soft gingerbread. The site was weird and wonderful, selling everything from maple syrup to underwear to sock monkeys. And thanks to my purchase, I got on their mailing list.

Isn't it magical? I mean, look at that table of contents:


Move over, Wal-Mart!

Seriously, check out some of the insane goodies on sale:

I must disagree that nothing delights a young child like a Jack-in-the-box (nothing HORRIFIES a young child... well, me, anyway, more than the tinkling keys of Pop! Goes the Weasel as I wait for a freakish clown to spring into my face) but I can vouch that nothing delights an adult more than chocolate-covered booze!

They also sell my favorite cookies: The mealy, almond-flavored, neon-colored bars you are most likely to find rotting away on a dusty shelf in an Italian bakery. Yummy. (They age like fine wine; dust only adds to the flavor.)

While we're on the subject of old, musty candy, take a gander at this:

Skybar! Zagnut! Walnettos! If this isn't the cutest little country store I've ever seen, I'll eat...

Well, I'll eat this hat.

Um, a felt fedora with an attached burka? YES, PLEASE, SANTA.

Haven't left your house since the Ford administration? How about a record player, a cassette recorder, a handheld slide viewer, or a typewriter?

Watch your slides while you listen to Benny Goodman 45s and type an angry letter to the Beatles for wearing their goddamn hair so long and smoking too much reefer. Good times!

Another blast from the past:

Man, how much would someone make to do a remake of this for hipsters? I'd call it "Fuck! Your Hair Smells Like Magic." Potential investors may contact me in the comments.

You've got to love a store that sells cassette players, children's toys, cookies, and ...

Vibrators! Accompanied by a photo of a sexually robust Wilford Brimley doppelganger. He knows that you'd rather order your "German massager" along with your ribbon candy from a nice family establishment instead of "run down to Sex World or visit some uncomfortable website." And fucking how, dude.

Of course, who needs sex toys when you can wear scents like Woodhue, Tigress, and Ben Hur?

Rrrrowr. There's also one called "Persian Wood." Snicker.

Here's something you don't see everyday: a miniature cast iron stove!

Here's the best part of the description: The set "includes a miniature iron cooking pot, kettle, frying pan, spatula, griddle holder and coal bucket that you can arrange to taste." [Emphasis mine]. I like to imagine someone coming over to my house and seeing my miniature cast iron stove and going, "Oh...oh my GOD. What were you THINKING putting the kettle on the LEFT BURNER??? YOU DISGUST ME." and then storming out.

Anyway, yeah. The Vermont Country Store. I guarantee that you'll find something awesome—and hopefully kind of inappropriate—for your loved ones within its bizarre warehouse. I recommend a gift basket consisting of Ben Hur cologne, a package of Walnettos, a Hitachi Magic Wand, and a handheld slide viewer. Keep that special someone guessing this Christmas.


  1. You have found the bizzaro Sky Mall!

  2. I'd also like to point out they sell people shaped candles. Pilgrims, to be specific. I love when they get down to the half-melted face state. Or headless.

    Nothing says Thanksgiving like melting people!

  3. Anonymous4:23 PM

    2 words: Sock monkeys. :)

  4. i LOLed and LOLed at your description, my little Walnetto.

    Adam and I stopped by the actual VT country store on our way to our honeymoon. They sold old-lady pajamas and thick wool socks and weird toys. I didn't see the vibrators, but that's kind of cool, though.


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