Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Sassy Curmudgeon's Casting Couch

I've boasted before on this blog about being awesome at casting celebrity biopics, which admittedly is one of the lamest savant abilities ever. But I can't help it. For instance, I'm an avid fan of Dexter and of The Office, and recently I got to thinking that John Krasinski and Jennifer Carpenter are MADE to play brother and sister in something.


I mean, right? If I hadn't seen them both on the Emmy red carpet this year I would have thought they were the same person. Anyway, someone should write a screwball comedy for them in which she's the Joan to his John Cusack. Get on this, Hollywood.

That pairing seemed so magical that I thought I'd put my dunce cap on and start brainstorming some other celebrity matches made in heaven...

The stars: JAVIER BARDEM and JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN


The project: A remake of 1988's genius twin mix-up comedy Big Business in which Bardem and Morgan star as two sets of identical twins separated at birth by a humorous accident. One set would be Spanish and one set American, so that both actors would have the opportunity to use their natural accents AND try something new. The climactic scene in which they meet again would take place at Bed Bath and Beyond in a display full of mirrors. Comedy gold!

The stars: LEA MICHELE and IDINA MENZEL


The project: If you watch Glee (and you should—I'm starting a backlash against the backlash), you know that Lea Michele's character, Rachel, has two fathers and that her birth mother has not yet appeared on the show. My vote for a sweeps guest appearance is Idina Menzel, a Broadway veteran who not only sings like a diva but looks like she could be Michele's biological mom (if she had her at 15...)

The stars: RACHEL GRIFFITHS and JULIETTE LEWIS


The project: Um... something with sisters who are totally, bat-shit crazy?

The stars: DANIEL RADCLIFFE and ELIJAH WOOD


The project: Fuck you, Edward Cullen! Who needs tall, sparkly and handsome when you could have these pocket-sized morsels of two-for-one, blue-eyed, ass-kicking fantasy goodness? How about some Harry Potter-meets-Frodo action? Harry could end up in Mordor or Frodo could replace that horrible Jar Jar Binks-esque Dobby the House Elf as Harry's new slave. Or Harry could have a long-lost brother, Barry Potter. J.K. Rowling, you have a new series to write.

Other fun pairings:
-Robert Downey, Jr. and Tom Hulce (now Tom Hulce looks like Richard Dreyfuss, but in his Amadeus heyday he was a dead wringer for RDJ. To this day, every time I watch Parenthood I think, Robert Downey, Jr. is in this? for a split second.
-John Cusack and Ellen Page: The father-daughter duo of my dreams!
-RuPaul, Tyra Banks, and Wendy Williams for a modern revival of Chekhov's Three Sisters. If you think that's inconceivable you are just being racist.

Oh, this is so much fun. Someone please make this my job.
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9 comments :

  1. Anonymous1:19 PM

    But John Krasinski is so amazing and Jennifer Carpenter IS SO ANNOYING!!!! i'll never stop being disappointed about how Deb hasn't been killed off of Dexter yet.

    ...And 1000 times more disappointed when I realized her and Michael C Hall met and married as cast-mates on Dexter. I assumed her horribly acting ass only made it on the show because her husband was the star.

    [Horribly acting is defined here as someone acting in a manor that makes me hate them. If that's the goal of Jennifer's character (the word 'Deb' now makes me vomit), I must concede she is then a good actress.]

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  2. Agreed that their skill levels are, um, different. I like Deb OK on Dexter but it's hard for me to imagine her being any other character...

    That said, this was purely looks-based. The movies I outlined above would in all likelihood be horrible :)

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  3. My roomies and I have been rooting for just that Idina cameo on Glee for weeks. Here's to hoping!

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  4. bridget4:19 AM

    You are hilarious!! And I'd def see the Javier Bardem/Jeffery Dean Morgan movie. Well, maybe I'd wait to Netflix it. Then it would sit on my coffee table for three weeks before I watched it.

    Can't wait for the PR recap! I think Carol Hannah was robbed. Is it just me or did Mean-a and Althea make the same collection? What's the deal with the long-armed sweaters??

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  5. I have found my bliss and it is Glee! Best darned show since Arrested Development.

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  6. Are you sure that Javier Bardem and Jeffery Dean Morgan aren't actually the same person? For the love of Sherman Hensley, they could be!

    I have been waiting for YEARS for someone to make a movie in which Goldie Hawn and Meg Ryan play spunky sisters in a mad-cap comedy. Now that they both apparently use the same restilen injectionist -WHAT - it's a word! - their transformation is complete.
    Merci!
    Shannan

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  7. Goldie and Meg WOULD make amazing sisters who couldn't move their foreheads!

    And Bridget--I know, those weird sweaters were too much. How do you do anything when your hands are covered? I can't even keep my clothes clean as is.

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  8. http://tvwatch.people.com/2009/12/03/wickeds-idina-menzel-would-love-to-guest-star-on-glee/

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  9. I really think the Glee team must have already come up with this idea, and will implement it in its inevitable second season. Maybe two Wicked star cameos is just too much for one season? And I wouldn't have traded Kristen's for the world!

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