Sunday, November 22, 2009

Confessions

Are you there, God? It's Montgomery Clift. I'm gay!

While you all know that I love nothing more than oversharing on the internet, I must admit that there are a number of inconvenient things about having a blog.

For one thing, I can't bitch about anyone I know. I could get amazing comic mileage out of a number of events that I have been forbidden from ever sharing with the general public, and if I didn't care about embarrassing my immediate family (a la my patron saint David Sedaris) I could have a whole other blog devoted just to them. But I want my friends to like me at the end of the day, and I realize that my parents have public personas, not to mention private lives, and that they'd probably be, at best, pissed (and, at worst, deeply hurt) by their daughter plundering the family psyche for blog fodder.

And then, of course, there are my secrets. I basically live in fear of accidentally outing something on the blog that I haven't told someone in person yet. Jeff recently reminded me that I announced our engagement on the blog, and my defense for that gaffe is that I was drunk, and also that it was after midnight, and in my family if you are calling after midnight then someone's had an aneurysm.

But seriously, I've been thinking that when I get pregnant or get a promotion or have anything else major happen I'm going to have to make damn sure that I tell every one of my friends and family members before I tell you guys. And I know I'll forget someone and I'll have to hear about how they had to read my blog to find out about such-and-such until the end of time.

Then there are things that I've told some people but not others and I can't keep track of who knows what so I avoid it on the blog. I know that's super vague, so here's a juicy one (with apologies to my parents, who will be embarrassed even though this is not about them): I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty, but I got tired of being a virgin and so a few months before I actually lost it I lied about losing it to a bunch of my friends. And the person I lied about was different than the person I actually lost it to (the lie was basically a wish fulfillment fantasy). And now I can't remember who knows the truth and who still believes the lie.

Oops.

Or, another example--I'm working on an essay about my ridiculous lack of athletic ability (and its underlying cause, my extreme laziness) and I found myself structuring the entire piece around something that I realize I've never really admitted to anyone. Again, apologies mom and dad. Remember that time senior year when I twisted my ankle during a cross country race and I went to a doctor that you probably paid for and I got an air cast (that I think is still sitting in a drawer somewhere in my old bedroom) and wore it diligently for weeks because I was such a trooper?

Yeah. I, um, faked that twisted ankle. I hated track, but I was a total coward and also my coach was so scary that I thought telling her I wanted to quit the track team would be like a made man telling Vito Corleone that he wanted to stop whacking people. I needed a way out, so I faked the injury.

But, you know, it takes a lot of willpower to throw yourself down a rocky hill, especially when you're only wearing a tissue-thin tank top and a pair of shorts with built-in underpants. So you can be proud of that, plus my stick-to-itiveness. I wore that air cast everywhere.

I'll stop now before I inadvertently reveal that Jeff and I are double beards.

P.S. You can visit my Dad's blog, where he somehow refrains from telling the entire world the personal details of his life or embarrassing his children, here.

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6 comments :

  1. the other thing i sometimes wish i could do on my blog is complain honestly about my job. not my current one, necessarily, but i imagine one day it would be great fodder for a blog. and that's a no-no.

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  2. Oh, yes. That too. I didn't mention it, ironically, because I am so paranoid about getting in trouble for blogging about work that I try not to mention work even in passing.

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  3. Pseudonym pseudonym pseudonym!

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  4. That's why I don't blog under my full name. I try really hard not to mention work as well, although I fail at that sometimes...

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  5. i never mention anyone's real names or where exactly i am. paranoia+blogger somehow does not compute.

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  6. Anonymous10:52 PM

    Sorry for the off topic comment, but I immediately thought of you when I saw the "Best Dressed" slide show for the American Music Awards on Huffington Post. Am I crazy or does the dress Carrie Underwood is wearing look almost exactly like the hideous and universally-panned dress Christopher designed for the divorcee challenge on Project Runway? Can you explain the difference to me so that I can understand how this style made the "Best Dressed" list?

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