I don't watch music awards shows, but a commenter just wrote something about Carrie Underwood's AMA dress and I realized, shit, thanks to my HuffPo recaps I am sort of a fashion critic now, albeit a completely unqualified one. And I owe it to you guys to be a dick about other people's clothing choices. So thank you, commenter. You've inspired me to create a new category on the blog: Red Carpet Ridicule (my Emmy post was the unofficial first entry, I guess).
So, the AMAs. I don't really get what they are. How are they different from the Grammys? Other than being less important? Can someone school me in this? Irregardless, let's hit the carpet.
We'll start with Carrie. Here's the (it turns out quite astute) comment:
Sorry for the off topic comment, but I immediately thought of you when I saw the "Best Dressed" slide show for the American Music Awards on Huffington Post. Am I crazy or does the dress Carrie Underwood is wearing look almost exactly like the hideous and universally-panned dress Christopher designed for the divorcee challenge on Project Runway? Can you explain the difference to me so that I can understand how this style made the "Best Dressed" list?
Let's see, shall we?
Shiny, poochy, belted... it does bear a strong resemblance to Chris' disaster. Let's do a super-scientific side-by-side analysis...
Wow. Okay. The pictures don't lie. Someone's been sniffing the Jiffy Pop lately. Although I will hand it to Carrie that her dress is much more polished, and the nude pearlescent sheen suits her, against all odds. As to why it landed on the "Best Dressed" list, well, scroll down to see what she was up against.
That wasn't Ms. Underwood's only nod to ProjRun. Later, she performed onstage wearing this:
I can't tell if this is a Mandee's knock-off or a bona fide version of...
Carol Hannah Whitfield's opening Bryant Park dress. Right? Except with shorts that make it look like a Racine Belles uniform from A League of Their Own. Sigh. That's such a good movie.
(UPDATE: This is NOT Carol Hannah-sanctioned. And she hates the shorts, too.)
Anyway, Carrie ended up being the fashion winner of the evening, ice-dancer sparkle and all. How, you may ask, was this allowed to happen? Well, there are so many people to thank.
First, I'd like to thank Rihanna...
...for showing us that poster board and stencils can go a long way during a recession. This dress, however, raises some questions, including but not limited to:
-Do those rose cut-outs show us her, um, rosebush?
-What would an aerial view reveal?
-If unfurled, does this double as a Science Fair exhibit about fertilizer?
RiRi was even more revealing onstage later in the evening:
I hope that she's taking a moment to thank her waxer. Also, what's with the cigarette butts sticking out of her enormous cap sleeves?
No matter. Let's move on, and thank Alicia Keyes...
...for dusting off her Bedazzler and Spin-Art and finding a way to re-wear her old bridesmaid shoes from that hideous mid-90s wedding with the Titanic theme.
I'd also like to thank J-Lo...
For going the way of Gaga and scalping Janice from Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem in order to fashion her skirt. In all honesty, she works it, but her eyes are pointing in different directions (as I've helpfully noted via Photoshop), which could be a smizing attempt gone awry.
If she is seeing double, though, it would explain the falling on her ass.
But hey, at least she was already wearing a pelvic cast.
Man, I should have written these down. So many people to thank for Carrie Underwood's fashion win. Oh! Kristen Bell.
Thank you, Veronic Mars, for wearing what amounts to a high-fashion tube top that—the Fug Girls point out—smacks of Crystal Barbie.
I'd also like to thank Nicole Kidman, for wearing a color combo that Benjamin Moore might whimsically call "Grandma's dust-ruffle" meets "rosacea."
Keith Urban is whispering, "Honey, this is a bad angle. Why don't you show some full-frontal action."
Um, no, not better. It doesn't even look good next to that stoned chick whose chest manages to look flat and saggy at the same time.
Speaking of which, what up, KHud.
Look, I know it's not the Golden Globes, but you could at least brush your hair.
In closing, I would like to issue a public service announcement to Val Kilmer:
YOU ARE BREAKING MY HEART, VAL.
I AM GOING TO MY SAFE PLACE NOW, WHICH IS WATCHING YOU IN THE ROLLICKING COMEDY TOP SECRET.