Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Open Letter To Jessica Wakefield

A sphincter in a denim jacket says what?


Let's dispense with insincere pleasantries, shall we? I find you about as dear as a jalapeno enema. Don't feign shock. There must be a brain somewhere in that perfectly-proportioned size six figure of yours. You must know that I know what you did. That we all know what you did.

I've never understood how you managed to pull off being both the villain and the hero. Conniving and malicious, your "antics" (like trying to ban a chubby girl from a sorority or trying to get the troubled sister of your brother Stephen's girlfriend who has JUST DIED OF LEUKEMIA kicked out on the street) always come off as fun and saucy instead of pathologically psychotic, as they actually are, and you always escape every scenario unscathed. Reading the Sweet Valley books, I always hoped for them to turn from teen soap operas into horror stories, for Elizabeth to whack you in the head with a tire iron or shove you off of a scenic cliff and put us all out of our misery.

As a preteen I took fictional characters very seriously, so I'm not overstating when I say that your black, black soul offended my delicate, virginal sensibilities. I immediately fell in love with your twin, the sweet, good-hearted Elizabeth, and whenever you would hurt her I would gaze up at the Day-Glo stars on the underside of the top bunk and wonder what kind of God would allow you to go unpunished. One Christmas morning I remember waking up and vomiting all over myself, and some of it splashed up onto my Sweet Valley High calendar and got on your face, and as far as I was concerned that made my fucking Christmas.

You are so incredibly narcissistic that I'm sure you have absolutely no idea where all of this vitriol is coming from, so let me refresh your memory. In the first thirteen books of SVH alone (and yes, I had to look the plots up online but my pain is still fresh), you were indirectly responsible for two comas (the first, because you left Elizabeth at Enid's Sweet Sixteen without a ride, which caused her to ride on Todd Wilkins' motorcycle without a helmet and get into a crash; the second, because you launched a campaign to ban "Easy Annie" from the cheerleading squad and Elizabeth, as usual, decides to be a decent fucking person and finds that sometimes people are sluts FOR A REASON, like maybe their mother is CRAZY, but it's too late because Annie takes a bunch of pills and goes into a COMA because she has NO WILL TO LIVE because some bitch wouldn't let her be a cheerleader). You were also basically the reason that Elizabeth gets kidnapped by a mentally-challenged orderly, because you made her sign up for candy striping just so you might have the chance to be on some dumb TV show. And I won't even go into the myriad episodes of boyfriend stealing and reputation sabotaging, because there are truly too many to count.

I'm getting angry now, so I'll keep this brief. What truly offends me is not so much your lack of moral scruples but rather the fact that you are never punished for your misdeeds (even by your own guilt, which is generally nonexistent or extraordinarily fleeting). You still get to start each chapter as a perfect female specimen and Elizabeth never abandons you and your parents never even CONSIDER giving you up for adoption. The one time you are in serious danger, when you go out to that shack on the beach with the creepy, mustachioed college dude in "All Night Long," he barely touches you but you disappear and everyone is so worried and Elizabeth even pretends to be you and then takes a test that you're missing and Todd gets all preachy and threatens to dump her. Bitch, what is wrong with you?

I'll give you this: Francine Pascal is not helping you at all with the self-awareness. From SVH #1:

Jessica stared at herself in the full-length mirror and saw a picture of utter heartbreak and despair. But what was actually reflected in the glass was about the most adorable, most dazzling sixteen-year-old girl imaginable.

No. This is what we call an enabler. Call David Carr, he may be able to help.

I'm glad I did this. I feel better now.

I hope you choke on your Dairy burger,




  1. The only person I hated MORE than Jessica? Amy Sutton! Bitch is the reason Regina Morrow DIES!

  2. Wow. You really took me back. I was a true Sweet Valley High fan and have to say that despite the rampant levels of ridiculousness in the series, I loved the fact that the "perfect" size was "6." That made sense to me vs. these nonexistent "0" girls.

  3. This absolutely killed me. Jessica needed to have her ass handed to her. Kudos


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