Thursday, October 15, 2009

Notes to My Future Children: Part Two

(See also my previous words of wisdom.)

11. If you drink too much and wake up feeling too gross to shower, that means you MUST shower, unless you want to spend the rest of the day futilely styling your limp, oily hair and smelling of Eau de Half-Empty Beer Bottle Filled With Cigarette Butts.

12. Avoid chocolate flavored with lavender. It will not make you calm and serene; it will make you wonder why your chocolate tastes like soap.

13. Sledding down a flight of stairs seems like it would be fun, but it is never, ever a good idea; neither is drinking a gallon of ANY liquid on a dare. You will puke. (Courtesy of Aunt Zoe)

14. The best way to get revenge on someone is to anonymously report them to the IRS. They only get in real trouble if they've cheated on their taxes, but being audited is far worse than receiving 20 pizzas you did not order.

15. Don't do anything on camera that you wouldn't let your parents watch. And that includes confessional video diaries. You are not Blossom.

16. If someone ever says something really mean to you, you should say "I would work up the energy to be offended by that if I didn't find you so fucking pathetic." Trust me, I've been working on that comeback since 7th grade; it's been honed to a fine, sharp point. You won't regret saying it. Unless you get in trouble for saying "fuck" in school, in which case deny, deny, deny.

17. Do not—I repeat, do NOT—ever order pants online. That is a fool's game.

18. You should start a garage band and call yourselves The Trapperkeepers. What, can I not live out my one dream through my children? Also in keeping with the theme your stage name should be Lisa Frank.

19. A great trick if you have to read a book for school and you don't have time to finish it is to read a few pages really carefully and then, at the very beginning of class, raise your hand and make a comment about something that happened in those pages. You won't get called on, promise. (Note: this does not work for exams. Also, questions—like "Who is Hester Prynne?"—are not advised.)

20. When, in the future, we speak of Melrose Place, which we will often do (wistfully, and over cocktails), remember that the only MP that exists to me is the original version that premiered in 1992. So much as mention the remake of 2009 and I will send you to your room faster than you can say "OH MY GOD IT'S A WIG! AHHHHH! IT'S A WIG!!!"

To be continued...


  1. Hahahaha! You slay me. I am LOVING number 16. I am going to memorize it!

    Oh, and I heart Lisa Frank.

  2. Amendment to #13 - unless you are still young enough to bounce and you are in fact sliding down carpeted stairs in a sleeping bag. THAT is fun :)

  3. 16 is perfection.

  4. Lauren Z3:07 PM

    #19...I actually did that in one of my high school classes...I had to read a very long book over my senior hell I was going to do that! So I read a few pages carefully, picked out a topic I could talk about, raised my hand to be proactive about the situation, and used some flowery language...I ended up getting an A!


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