I know this is going to come as a shock to you all, but I don't tend to win things very often.
I ran track in high school (not well, mind you; I could basically manage to move forward while remaining upright but that was it) and one spring I won an 800 meter race by joining the slowest heat, which was made up of the types of people who carry inhalers and wear strapped-on goggles. I got a trophy but it was bittersweet.
After college, my roommate Ellaree once found a trophy on the street that she brought home. It was engraved "The Essence of Blackness," which obviously applies to us:
We kept it in the living room in a place of honor for over a year. (P.S. I once got into a bar having forgotten my ID based solely on the lines around my eyes. Click to enlarge for the full effect.)
Anyway, I recently had the opportunity to take part in a wedding weekend of Olympic Games, which included contests such as Heavy Rock Throwing, The Sponge Toss, and Retarded Crab Walk. I was saving my athletic prowess, though, for what I considered to be my event to lose: The Hula Hoop.
I have always been very good at hula hooping, a skill that has served me never. I am also pretty decent at air hockey, in case you hear of any amateur tourneys.
My heart was racing as the competition began. I had forgotten to carbo load, unless you counted the wine from the night before! Luckily, my hips had brough their A-game.
I was one of the last women standing when the Master of Ceremonies gave us an added challenge just to end the damn contest, which by that point had gone on for three or four minutes. He asked us to walk underneath a volleyball net while hooping. I made it, but I was standing right next to the net, whereas another woman was able to walk twelve feet or so. She emerged victorious...
... but I snapped a photo anyway, of what I belive is rightfully mine.
Man, I just realized that this is the most depressing post ever. Reading it over, it totally seems like I'm going to win at the end and then I don't.
I win at life, though. Look at this hunka hunka burnin' love: