Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The End of an Era

Well, it's finally happened. I have gone through withdrawal and sweated and puked out my illness and now I am officially trashy magazine free. I'm kind of bummed about it, though. I would totally read them if they even pretended to be interesting. But they've given up. Defeat, thy name is Khloe Kardashian.

I mean, just look at these. Would you even use them for toilet paper? (Answer: Obviously no, since that cheap ink will rub right off).

First up is InTouch Weekly. This is the most terrible cover I have ever seen (and I once bought the US Weekly issue with the Real Housewives of New Jersey on the cover, so my standards are hell to the low).

I will admit that I rediscovered Emotions this weekend and it is fucking awesome. But nobody cares about Mariah Carey right now. Especially since, if her new fragrance ads are to be believed, she is slowly morphing into LaToya Jackson:

Next up, OK!, the worst celebrity magazine on newsstands, and—shocker—it's all Kardashian, all the time.

I do not watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians, but my sister has seen it and assures me that it is not worth anyone's time. And if you know my sister, that means it is an EPIC TV FAIL because that girl watches even more garbage than I do. Now that one Kardashian is knocked up and one had a surprise wedding, I fear they'll have newsstand real estate for months. Sigh. They are even worse than Jon & Kate! (Note that my chagrin stems entirely from the fact that I do not watch the shows on which these people appear; I almost wept with joy when I saw EW's Jim and Pam Office cover. My heart grew three sizes, until it was as big as one of Jon Gosselin's under-eye bags.)

(P.S. I hope Brad and Angie's recipe for love involves blood sausage.)

US Weekly used to be my fave, and I will give them props for putting actual celebrities on the cover, but this drama is soooo wah wah wah.

Ladies, do not date Justin Timberlake. No good can come of that. Did you not see this?

(Awesomely, this image is titled "bsnuts4." Which makes me think of those hot nut vendors in Manhattan called Nuts4Nuts. I always want to order some, but I'm too busy giggling at the idea of "hot nuts" because I am twelve. But Britney's next venture should totally be a franchise of those street carts called BSNuts4Nuts. No?)

Finally, Star...

This cover makes me realize two things:

1) I do kind of want to know if it is, indeed, "on" between JT and Rihanna but I won't be fooled; the articles in these magazines always completely blow. The only reason to even buy them is for the pictures, and now that 98% of those pictures are of someone with Kardashian blood, I ain't buyin'.

2) I want to take Shiloh Jolie-Pitt fishing. I think she'd have fun.

So, that's that. Now I'm just going to follow gossip online, and, when I really need a fix, buy People (the middle-aged aunt of the trashy magazine brood) and cry at stories about autistic children and fat people who lose half their size.

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