Thursday, September 24, 2009

Belated Fashion Throwdown: The Emmys

I can't BELIEVE I missed the Emmys. To paraphrase Cher Horowitz, I am majorly, totally, butt-crazy in love with awards shows. But... my brother-in-law was getting married, so I had to do the right thing.

I know I'm late to the game on this, but you know I have strong opinions about fashion, so I feel I must pitch my two cents into the bottomless latrine of Emmy red carpet coverage.

Let's start off on a positive note, shall we?

THE GOOD

There is nothing I love more than a great red dress (I have to restrain myself from buying new ones all the time; they're like my LBD), and Debra Messing turns it out in this simple, sparkly but not ice-dancing sparkly (ahem, Applegate, I am looking at you... scroll down) number. I love her minimal, elegant accessories too. Say what you will about her persona, but Rachel Zoe knows her shit.

I just love Mariska Hargitay. I don't know if it's the way her brow crinkles when she's investigating a brutal sexual assault on Law and Order: SVU, or that her mom is Jayne Mansfield, star of my favorite obscure comedy, Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter? or that she has a dreamy husband and the cutest kid ever. Anyway, I love her, and I love her gunmetal gown.

WANT. COVET. Love the color.

I also just love Jenna Fischer. I kind of want to be her BFF. She has a MySpace blog that I read, so I know she loves Project Runway and The Real Housewives of Orange County, and I want her to read my recaps and then call me and come over to watch Housewives (well, I'd probably have to go to her house since I don't have cable) and we could make cupcakes and bitch. Anyway... She never gets to dress pretty on The Office, so I love to see her all dolled up, and this Reem Acra gown is a nice spin on basic, elegant black.

SigWeave always looks amazing. Who looks this good in form-fitting satin? I think this is her reward from the universe for saving us from all those aliens. She is 60 and she beats the tiny pants off of Hayden Panettiere and all of those l'il bit starlets. And again, I am partial to red.

THE ALMOST GOOD

Take that bow off, Nancy Botwin! The color is awesome and you have an amazing body. But this dress makes me want to write a book inspired by my first love called the... (drumroll) Tales From Lake Bow-Be-Gone (cymbal rap).

Mila. Love the color, like the general ethereal effect. Now chop it to just above the knee. Perfect.

I want to like this but... just so meh, no? It kind of washes her out, and it looks like it needs some bodice flair or a statement necklace. This is a stylist fail; I cannot really fault Drew.

People fucking freaked over this dress like it was the second coming of Art Deco Christ, but am I the only person who thinks this is not the greatest? I think the top is cool-looking, and January Jones certainly looks gorgeous, but for me the top is too Wonder Woman-y. Maybe if the hip armor came off so that we had a nice uninterrupted waistline... Also the white washes her out. Pale girls (like me) think white makes them look less ghostly but this is a fallacy that is not doing us any favors.

THE BAD

Listen, Leighton. I get what you were going for, but this dress is really not nearly the best flowy Grecian goddess thing out there, and the weird toilet paper flowers on your shoulders ruin whatever charm this had. What would Blair Waldorf say? Why didn't you just wear her prom dress from last season? Also you look kind of sweaty and your hair has an air of I-just-had-sex-in-my-limo about it. Is that what happened? Did you have to repurpose a terrycloth robe at the last second because you ripped your gown in the heat of passion? Because that I can get behind.

Hi Peggy. You look pretty, I'll give you that. And I like your necklace. My beef with this outfit really has to do with two things: the color of your dress ("putty" is not a hue that flatters anyone) and the thing going on beneath your right breast. No, not your ribcage, honey. That... little fabric U-turn. It kind of looks like something broke and your stylist stapled the swatch to your bodice. But the good news is that you're not alone:

First of all, Debbie Ryenolds looks amazing. Oh, that's Hayden Panettiere? She looks... matronly. And I guess this belt-staple thing is, like, a trend? I don't like it. But I like it better on your dress than on Hayden's. Hers has a weird, DIY look to it. Is it just me, or does the hem look like someone hacked at it with kindergarten scissors?

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! A mermaid dress should never have actual scales, much like a ball gown should not be constructed of actual balls. It just isn't done.

I thought at first that this was Freida Pinto, which means, Jamie-Lynn, that you are too tan. I don't hate the dress, but I wish it was more flattering. You look much more pear-shaped than you are.

Wow, J-Lo must have taken a lot of muscle relaxers. Look at her dead eyes! Oh, wait, that's Kim Kardashian. Which takes this look from potential couture to bargain bin at Daffy's. Lop off that sleeve, ditch the hoop earrings and let your hair down and then maybe we'll talk.

Everyone loved this dress, but I think they're just excited that Chloe Sevigny is not wearing hotpants for once. For me, this dress is cute enough but doesn't do a ton for her complexion. It's just... too much fabric and not enough color. It washes her out. It doesn't pop. Maybe I'd like it better if it was cocktail-length....

I love this color so fucking much! But tiny little actresses need to wear knee-length dresses. This dress eats Ginnifer. And the drapey bottom comes off as dowdy on such a petite person. I feel your pain, Ginny. I want to be able to wear elegant gowns that make me look statuesque. But 5'3" will never be statuesque. Just watch this season of ANTM. And I hate when guys say this to me on the street, but smile, baby. Don't just SMIZE, SMILE. You're at the Emmys for Christ's sake.

All the critics also went bananas for this dress, but the sheer volume of it swallows poor Rose Byrne. I think it would have filled out much better on someone with some T&A, like...

The gorgeous Christina Hendricks. Whose dress, sadly, I do not love. I think it's the weird train and the overly modest cut.

THE UGLY

Someone has disemboweled Padma Lakshmi. But what a trooper, walking the red carpet with her stomach on her hip.

Oh Kyra. You usually hit it out of the park, but this is just so... escorting your daughter to her first cotillion. With a fifth of Jameson stashed in your purse.

This isn't so much ugly as costume-y, in a bad way. Very French maid. I want to give her a duster.

Let's ignore for the moment that Patricia Arquette is wearing a dress the color and texture of highway asphalt with a boxy, asymmetrical design and a lumpen piece of flair on the shoulder. Instead let's have a moment of silence for Patricia's left breast and armpit, which have been cruelly imprisoned in a too-small bodice. She has a lovely figure, but it looks overstuffed here. I would say she should have gotten the next size up, but that would mean she would still have worn this dress. Patricia! You were in True Romance. You are a foxy, foxy lady. You are better than this.

I have to be delicate here. Look, I know Applegate's had a rough year. Her show got cancelled and she beat breast cancer, and I think that she's a strong woman and a fabulous role model. But finding solace in the spangly, sequined, unflattering see-through midsection of one of Michelle Kwan's rejected ice-skating costumes should not be condoned.

THE JUST PLAIN WRONG

Um.... Wow. Unless this is an image of a funhouse mirror reflection of Sarah Silverman, this dress is, um, not very flattering. The words WIDE LOAD come to mind, and Sarah is skinny. Also, this smacks of Snow White to me. Like, the actual Disney Princess Halloween costume version. Is it possible that this is a joke? She's a comedian, right? Heh...heh?

And, finally, I'll leave you with...

THE INTERVENTION

Tina, you're beautiful. And yes, black sheaths are classic and elegant. That said, wear something other than a fucking black sheath. Or at least wear one with some detailing like Jenna. Dresses are eye candy, and nobody likes the licorice.

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