Wednesday, August 12, 2009

On Heartbreak

Okay, I need to get this off my chest and then we will never speak of it again. It's almost too emotional for me to go into but I've been doing a lot of reflection and I need to say this.

Amanda Woodward stole my innocence.

That's right, I'm talking about Amanda Woodward of D&D Advertising. The power-suited, highlighted minx who waltzed into a certain apartment complex in 1993 and ruined everything. My friends Allison and Billy were roommates and they were secretly in love but neither of them realized it and then this bitch Amanda swooped in and stole Billy's heart and I cried and cried.

It may have happened on Melrose Place, but the crying part is—shamefully—real.

See, I loved Melrose Place. In fact, I can't even say loved, past tense. I LOVE Melrose Place. And now the CW is pissing on its grave with a new version starring Ashley fucking Simpson-Wentz.

MP debuted in 1992 when I was twelve, and I watched from the first episode, thanks to the crossover on 90210 (which, don't even get me started on the new version. Somewhere, Gabrielle Carteris is rolling in her grave. Assuming she's dead—she must be, what, 80 now?). Anyway, I watched, and I fell in love. I used to tape all of the shows on VHS and label them in hysterical preteen block printing: DO NOT ERASE!!!! Seeing as I tend to get involved something fierce with fictional characters, I immediately became entranced with—and protective of—Billy and Allison, as played by Andrew Shue and Courtney Thorne-Smith, to the point where, yes, I sobbed when Amanda—Heather Locklear—came between them and my seven year-old sister had to talk me out of a locked bathroom.

So, to me, the CW's remake isn't just offensive. It's personal. How dare they try to erase over the tape of my childhood? Billy and Allison 4EVA, bitches!!! And, if you need a reminder of the awesomeness of the original, take a look at the clip below. Let's see you pull that off, Simpson-Wench!!!!

Okay, I'm done now. Like I said, never speak of this. Thank you.


  1. OH MY GOD. I remember one night when mom was teaching and we were stuck in moms room watching melrose place and eating chefboyardee and THIS CLIP HAPPENED AND TRAUMATIZED ME FOR LIFE. I cried and cried and couldn't sleep because I was scared of bald Kimberly. horror.

  2. Haha this is exactly how I felt when they turned Gossip Girl into a show. I started petitions and boycots!


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