Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Notes to My Future Children: Part One

I have always wanted to be a mother (Note: This is not an “I’m pregnant” post. Just to clear that up. Especially since last night, I asked Jeff to carry a heavy bag for me and he whined and I said, "You know, honey, some day I'll carry something for you. For nine months. In my uterus." And he said, "What? Like my wallet?") Anyway. I have always wanted kids. When I was little I used to stuff my dolls in my dresses and then huff and puff and act out births. Then I would slam their hard little plastic heads against my chest to mimic breastfeeding. Anyway, over the years it has occurred to me to write something now that my future children can have when they grow up. Originally I thought it would take the form of a sappy letter, but then I thought a better idea would be to dispense life lessons with a bit of future-motherly tough love...

Here, the inaugural 10:

1. Leggings do not equal pants. Especially for you, future son.

2. Beer before liquor, never sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear has never proven true for me. I go by my own mantras: “Add cheap vodka to Mountain Dew, you’ll be puking till you’re blue,” and “Milk is healthful and nutritious, but mixing it with booze is injudicious.”

3. If you’re going to play doctor, just call it playing doctor. Do not call it “Look in Butt"—that reveals the secret purpose of playing doctor and thus takes away the mystery. (True story: when I was three or four, my best friend Salvador played Look In Butt. It was doctor, essentially—or proctologist, more accurately—as we had no interest in heartbeats or hearing tests, instead choosing to focus solely on the anus. One of us would bend over and the other one would conduct the examination. What we were looking for, I can’t say—stray He-Man figures? Lost crayons?—but we took our work seriously. For years afterward I assumed that Look in Butt was consensual—the only thing that tempered the humiliation of its existence was Sal’s complicity—but my father finally told me that he’d overheard us once. Sal was playing the patient at the time, and as removed his underwear he said to me, “Una ... this is wrong.” And I have never played Look in Butt again.)

4. Don't let anyone call you a slut for sleeping with someone on the first date. Your father and I did, and now we're married!

5. Say it with me: if it is cold enough for boots, it is too cold for bare toes. Similarly, if what you are doing is athletic enough to require sneakers, then it is not prudent for them to have high heels.

6. If you have an irrational fear—say, that a rat will swim up into your toilet bowl and bite you on the ass—and so to protect yourself you create a little mantra that you say (again, hypothetically) every time you go to the bathroom, DO NOT ever tell anyone what that mantra is or they will NEVER let you forget it.

7. If you pee your pants while wearing woolen tights, best to take them off for the rest of the day.

8. Don't freeze the top of your wedding cake for a year. Eat that shit right away. I don't care what anyone says, it will not keep.

9. You will never be able to decipher the lyrics to "Louie Louie," but I'm here to tell you that I looked them up and that they make no sense anyway, so don't worry about it.

10. Disregard any comments I ever made on this blog to smoking pot. I was lying. Unless you have some.


  1. A friend of mine was just talking about the lyrics to "Louie, Louie" today. He also said they made no sense...what are the chances - two "Louie, Louie" references in one day.

    By the way, loved the entire entry to your future kids.

    P.S. Hope this isn't too random...actually, hope you remember who I am! Tell Aileen I said hello if you talk to her.

  2. amazing. and laugh out loud funny. man.

  3. Mark, I know a few Marks so I need more details. I am sure I do remember you, if you know Aileen.

    Also, thanks Annie ;)

  4. I was in the New Group with Aileen, graduated two years behind you guys, lived on Wes' hall freshman year... Ring any bells?

  5. P.S. LOVE the blog...your newest fan.

  6. Mark Schindler, I know you :) Actually, funnily enough I know TWO Marks who know Aileen, hence my confusion. Thanks for reading! I hope you're well. We're Facebook friends, so maybe I should just message you instead of going on and on here...

  7. These are GREAT. I always laugh so much when I read your blog.

  8. I, too, can attest to #4. However, in our case it was technically before the first date, but still. This is all great advice, thanks!


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